Should you wait to get engaged if you were long-time friends before dating?
Maybe you’ve only been dating briefly, but you’re sure you want to marry. You might have discussed engagement with loved ones. However, perhaps they seem put off by the idea. If you’ve known one another for a long time, is there an appropriate waiting period before engagement?
Give People Time to Adjust
This relationship progression might seem like a long time coming to the two of you. But to friends and family, a quick engagement might feel sudden. Even though you’ve shared a long history, the time frame feels short to the people in your life.
It can take some time for people to respond to a new idea or situation. If they’ve never seen you together as a couple–or if you have only been dating for a short time–they may need some time to reframe your relationship. Let’s say they’ve only seen the two of you as friends; they might say they could see this coming all along, but it might still take time to adjust to the new normal.
Understand that it takes time for people to react and just to change. Some people embrace sudden change, while others resist it. Everyone has their own personal style and it could take them some time to catch up.
It’s important not to disregard the people raising questions about your relationship. Rather than dismissing them, let them know you’re interested in their feedback. They’re concerned for your best interests, so take their thoughts into consideration.
Laying the Groundwork for Engagement
More so than the length of your dating relationship, the factors that make your relationship most stable for engagement are the longevity of your friendship and your individual maturity. Age, level of maturity, and degree of independence from your families are major predictors of marital satisfaction. It’s important to weigh these factors against your loved ones’ concerns.
Research tells us that people who have been in a dating relationship for at least two years have a significantly lower divorce rate than couples who date for a short time. Relationships that have plenty of time to develop become more stable and mature. The good news for long-time friends is that romance didn’t mask your friendship in the early days.
Your loved ones’ concerns are understandable, but the truth is, because of your long friendship, your relationship is more likely to be stable. Rather than worrying about the timeline, consider having a very intentional engagement period. Use this time to ensure you’re prepared for marriage before the wedding.
Save Your Marriage Before It Starts
Our Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS) book, workbooks, and assessment provide discussion topics, tools, and exercises to deepen and strengthen your relationship. Set aside time to go through the exercises together each week. This will help you stay engaged and proactive as you prepare for the life you want to experience as husband and wife.
Your marriage can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in it. One of the most important things you can do during this intentional engagement is to work on yourselves as individuals. In addition, work on who you are together.
The SYMBIS Assessment can help you get to know yourselves and one another better than ever before, and with a wedding on the horizon, now is the best time to dig deep. Learn more about SYMBIS here, and take a look at the book and associated materials here.
Were you and your fiance (or spouse!) friends before you dated? If so, how long did you wait to get engaged? Leave us a comment and let us know.
