My Spouse Undermines Me In Front Of The Kids. What Do I Do?

Parenting should be a team effort. But what happens when your spouse undermines you–especially in front of the kids?

Raising and disciplining children are important joint responsibilities you and your spouse share. As a united front, the two of you are guiding your children toward what you hope will be a productive and successful adulthood. However, sometimes couples with kids get out of sync.

Maybe your spouse has a habit of undermining you in front of your children when you’re trying to offer guidance or dole out discipline. How should you respond to that? Is it possible to get back on the same page and work together again?

Consider Your Spouse’s Intentions

First, it’s crucial to understand your spouse’s intentions during frustrating interactions. For instance, they may not realize you feel undermined. In fact, they might feel that they’re being helpful.

Let’s say that your spouse intervened in a parenting situation in a way that frustrated you. Maybe you wanted to handle it one way, but your spouse strongly believed their way would get the results you both wanted. It’s upsetting to be on the receiving end of that interaction.

When we feel strongly about how a situation needs to be handled, it’s difficult to hold that back. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and consider that their intentions may have been good, even though the interaction was challenging. Consider the possibility that your spouse was trying to get everyone on the fast track to a mutually satisfying outcome.

Be Honest About How You Feel

Now, let’s say you’ve determined that your spouse meant well when they stepped into the middle of a teaching moment with the kids. It’s crucial to acknowledge good intentions when they exist. However, letting your spouse know how you feel is essential.

When you’re not in the heat of conflict, explain to your spouse that their intervention style can be frustrating. If they tend to be more authoritative or permissive than you, it’s important to agree on how you’ll handle these situations in the future. After all, it’s upsetting to set boundaries or dole out a punishment only for your spouse to contradict that.

Wait until you’re both calm and removed from the immediate situation to discuss your feelings. This will give you both more clarity, which should make problem-solving easier. Above all, remember that you’re both on the same team, and you both want what’s best for your kids.

Remember, All Parents Make Mistakes

The truth is that all parents make mistakes. It’s going to happen once in a while. Let the mistakes go; after all, you’d want your spouse to do the same for you.

When parenting interactions don’t go as you hoped, there will be other chances. Get on the same page with one another, and remember that there will be many more opportunities to model mutual support and cooperation for your kids. You can still show them that you’re a team.

Have grace for one another, forgive each other, and work through your parenting disagreements in private as often as you can. You won’t always agree, but that’s okay. It’s better to embrace the imperfection now than to continue fighting it–and each other. Our book, The Parent You Want to Be, can help you navigate these seasons and conversations with grace.

How do you and your spouse resolve parenting conflicts? Share your experiences in the comments.