Did your spouse lie about the debt they were bringing into your marriage?
Secret debt is a common, unfortunate scenario for couples. And it’s understandable why you might be angry. After all, your spouse withheld information that impacts you financially.
There’s still hope if you’re facing the difficult situation of uncovering a debt deception. You certainly have a challenge to overcome. The good news is that it’s possible to solve the problem while rebuilding trust.
Why Did Your Spouse Hide Their Debt?
People hide their debt for many different reasons. One of the most straightforward answers is that people tend to associate debt with shame. It’s difficult for some people to take ownership of the choices that led them into debt. And it’s even more challenging to admit to the person you love that they’ll be taking on your past financial burdens.
You might want to understand better why your spouse didn’t disclose their debt. Maybe they were struggling with shame. Regardless, it’s important to contextualize the situation so you can get any support you may need, such as counseling.
Get Your Feelings Out There
Next, it’s important not to hide your feelings about this debt. Learning something like this is complex, and the new knowledge changes your perception of your spouse. Not only are you taking in the shock of the discovery, but you’re also likely questioning their trustworthiness in other areas.
It may feel as though your spouse tricked you. This debt affects your future now, too. So it’s crucial to be honest with yourself and your spouse about your feelings and get them out.
There’s no use pretending that everything is fine when it’s not. It’s perfectly okay to be angry and to express that anger constructively. If you suppress your feelings, they’ll eventually come out–possibly in an unfavorable way. Negative emotions have a high resurrection rate, so getting them out in the open is best.
A licensed counselor can help you navigate through expressing your feelings. You’ll need to talk this situation through with your spouse. The conversation doesn’t need to go on endlessly, but it may take some time to process.
Find A Way to Move Forward
Finally, it’s essential to find a way to move forward together. Your spouse can’t change their past decision. Instead, you must invest in the future and work together to reestablish trust. This is all about rebuilding a partnership you can count on.
It will be important to set up mutual accountability and create a plan for debt repayment. Get financial consulting to help the two of you build that plan. A professional consultant can help you build a smart strategy to face the overwhelm one step at a time.
While repairing your relationship and tackling your debt will take time, there’s hope on the other side. This is an opportunity to course-correct your marriage and give yourselves a fresh chance at honesty and trust. Conflict can bring the two of you closer together, though it may not feel like it right now. (That’s what our book, The Good Fight, is all about. Find out more here.)
Have you faced debt deception in your marriage? How did you and your spouse overcome it? We’d love to hear your stories in the comments.
Hello, thank you for this article. This is the first time I had heard of this happening to someone besides myself. This was life changing for me. The lie totally distorted my trust in my new spouse from that day forward. We did go to credit counseling and were able to get rid of the IRS debt. I took over all the financial duties. My spouse chose not to apologize but to make excuses or reverse blame. This behavior continues in our marriage till this day, sadly I married a lier. Please be very cautious if you experience dishonest behavior. This doesn’t go away with talking it out, even counseling in my case.