If your spouse has ever cheated, then you know how gut-wrenching infidelity is. You might also know how hard it can be to get your spouse to tell you why they had an affair. In these situations, hearing, “I don’t know why it happened,” is nothing short of frustrating.
If you don’t know why an affair happened, is it possible to move forward in your marriage? And is it too much to ask your spouse what led to this? Let’s talk about it.
Your Spouse Might Not Deeply Understand Their Affair
First, understand that your spouse might not grasp all the whys behind their actions. They might not have a deep sense of understanding of the events and thoughts that led to the affair. There might also be an inner sense of shame, or an unwillingness to review their actions.
It’s tough when your spouse lacks real insight but wants to move forward in your marriage. They may not want to look at their actions. Instead, they’re compelled to leave the past behind and worry about the future.
Is It Possible to Move Forward Without Answers?
So can you move forward in your marriage without dissecting the reasons behind your spouse’s affair? It’s possible. What’s most important is where you’re headed as a couple.
Still, it’s incredibly tough to heal from an affair without the ability to openly ask questions and discuss how you’re feeling about it. You won’t be able to reestablish trust without a commitment to openness. It will be crucial for you to decide whether you’re at peace without answers, or whether you need them to heal.
Ultimately, your spouse needs to take ownership of their actions. Until you know where your spouse’s heart is, and until it’s clear they’re repentant, there will likely be a sense of distance between you. Without open discussion, it will be more difficult to see your spouse’s commitment to true, lasting change.
Seek Marriage Mentors With Similar Life Experiences
If you haven’t done so yet, it’s time to seek out a mentoring couple who has experienced infidelity before and has come out on the other side stronger. Alternatively, a pastor or counselor can help. The most critical thing is to find someone supportive who can walk with you through this season.
A trusted mentor or counselor can help your spouse connect with the whys behind their affair. They can also come alongside you as you move through the stages of grief. You’ve been betrayed, and recognizing that fact is essential to the healing process. It’s heartbreaking and hard, but it won’t always feel this way.
If your goal as a couple is to reconcile and strengthen your marriage, then you have to accept that you’re going to carry this deep wound for a long time. Support is essential along the way. The two of you also need to be able to communicate about the affair for as long as it takes to find healing and peace.
Finally, know that there’s hope. It’s possible to overcome infidelity. We’ve seen so many couples in your situation who have come out stronger on the other side.
That’s why we wrote our book, I Love You More. You never chose to experience anything like this, but here you are. This book is a companion as you navigate this major jolt in your marriage. You can find a copy here.
Have you repaired your marriage after an affair? Was it important for you and your spouse to understand why it happened? Let us know more in the comments.
