How and when should you pause a difficult conversation with your spouse?
At one time or another, every married couple will experience a prolonged conflict. At the very least, you’ll face difficult discussions you can’t wrap up in one afternoon. These conflicts and disagreements can come at inconvenient times in your life, when you can’t give your full attention to discussing and resolving them right away.
Trying to force conflict resolution can complicate problems, rather than solving them. When you pause difficult discussions, you can come back calmer, and with a clearer perspective. Giving yourselves plenty of breathing room also gives you the opportunity to cultivate empathy for one another’s position.
Either way, it’s crucial to understand that you can’t always hash out a problem in one sitting, from beginning to end. Life requires us to approach problems with flexibility. This means occasionally solving a conflict over the course of several conversations.
When To Pause A Heated Discussion or Argument
Consider pausing heated conversations when it’s a bad time to process heavy information–like when you’re tired, hungry, or stressed. Maybe one of you is in the middle of a task for work or business that can’t be put on hold. Or, you might just not be ready to talk about the matter in question.
Be sure to define the silence; don’t leave it open-ended. You could say, “Honey, I just need a couple of days to get my thoughts together.” Defining the silence keeps it from feeling like a defensive response, punishing withdrawal, or shutdown. This protects you both and provides reassurance that you’ll get closure on this topic, even if it’s not today.
There are also life circumstances that call for conflicts to be paused. If there has been a major job loss, injury, illness, or death in the family, give yourselves time to process those things. Then, decide when you can talk through the problem.
Decide When To Talk About It Again
When you put a hard conversation on hold, you have to be willing to address it later. You and your spouse will need to agree on a day and time when you’re going to talk about it again. Don’t leave the conversation indefinitely, with no closure and many loose ends.
It’s okay to say something like, “I don’t want to talk about this right now, but I will be ready tomorrow evening after work.” Set a timeline and stick to it. That way, you’ll both know what to expect, and you’ll be that much closer to reaching a solution.
Be sure to set reminders for yourselves so you can resolve this conflict together. It’s tempting to leave problems unresolved, but that will cause more pain in the long run. You might argue that there’s no time to have a conflict, much less solve one–especially if it’s going to take up time you don’t have.
Our book, Your Time-Starved Marriage, can help you reclaim time for one another. It’s not just for helping you schedule date nights and time together as a couple. This book will also help you prioritize your time so you can resolve conflicts–and strengthen your marriage as a result. Pick up your copy here.
Have you and your spouse ever paused an argument or difficult conversation? Did it help you regain clarity and solve the problem in the end? Let us know in the comments.
