What can I do if my in-laws don’t accept me?
When someone withholds their blessing from you, that hurts. You feel rejected and “not good enough.” And when your in-laws are the people who have rejected you, the pain can feel almost unbearable.
In today’s video, we’re discussing how to respond when your in-laws have rejected you.
Not only is it hurtful to you that your spouse’s parents (or other relatives) have made it clear that they don’t approve of (or even like) you; it’s also devastating because it creates distance between your spouse and their family.
Everyone is human and fallible, and unfortunately, for whatever reason, your in-laws aren’t able to reach out to you. And when that happens, it’s hard to not feel like it’s somehow your fault. You might spin in circles and worry yourself silly, trying to figure out what you might have done wrong.
You can’t keep trying to change or perform in a way that gets your in-laws’ blessing. Instead, strive to separate yourself from them with a “this is me, that’s them” attitude; you have your own life to live, and your own family to create with your spouse.
Even though it hurts right now, go on without their blessing. You can find peace and contentment in your marriage despite their attitude. There’s no magic formula to win their approval, so don’t try to find it.
It’s okay if you want to keep space in your life open for your in-laws. Be willing to include them if they want to be included. But don’t live in such a way that you’re actively trying to get them involved. Exude a sense of space, openness, and hospitality, but don’t focus, strive, or waste your time on something that probably isn’t going to happen.
Finally, grieve the loss of that relationship and move on. They may not be your blood relatives, but you probably expected to have, at the very least, an amicable relationship with your in-laws. Grieving is essential to moving on with your life.
Over time, it’s possible that things may change. Sometimes, in-laws come around when grandchildren are born. Other times, hearts soften with age. Unpredictable moments in life can be milestones.
Most importantly, remember that this problem is more about them than it is about you. Stay focused on your own marriage, and you can find happiness and lifelong love together.
Have you dealt with rejection by your in-laws? Was the issue ever resolved, or did you and your spouse learn to live without their blessing? Share your story below.
The problem is when they have get togethers and do not invite you but make sure to post pictures on Facebook etc… I have been married to my husband for 28 years and this has not changed. We have two sons who graduated in the top ten of their class whom their grandfather willillingly uses for bragging rights but does not invite us over for thanksgiving or Christmas because we are four too many, yet his daughters are invited to come. He is living with a woman he is not married to, my mother in law died four years ago.
Remember that’s it’s not you, it’s them. It’s their problem. And maybe you’re not invited to their family get together’s because either their embarrassed by their behavior, or it makes them feel superior not to invite you. Even if you did attend one of their functions you would probably feel uncomfortable with their standoffish attitudes while their judgmental eyes kept glancing in your direction.
You mentioned your FIL has daughters. What are the sister’s relationship like with your husband? What is your husband’s relationship like with his father? Are you being used as the scapegoat for their indifference?
You can’t make people like you so I find it’s better just to leave them alone. Have your own family outings, share your own pictures on social media (if that’s your thing as well), and don’t waste your time or energy on people so tragically petty and obviously dysfunctional.
I didn’t get along with my ex-husband’s parents. They made their disapproval known at the very beginning of our relationship. After we were married we had stayed with his parents for a couple of months. During our stay with them his mom, “Phyllis” would always say loud enough for me to hear that their son “Shawn” had made a huge mistake and that when ever he wanted to leave me, they would pay for the divorce.
I didn’t like visiting with his parents because they always went out of their way to make sure I was uncomfortable. Phyllis would talk about someone’s daughter and that she lived close by and was single, or she would bad mouth me to anyone that was willing to hear gossip. The only reason I went to their home was just to do our laundry. The last time I went there I was getting the detergent out of my car and Phyllis yelled over to me saying the only reason I was invited into her home was because of her son. Then she walked back into her house and slammed the door closed behind her.
My ex and I had many screaming arguments about his folks. And even when I’d tell my ex what his parents had said to me, he’d stick up for them.
It’s painful when the person you love with all your heart turns their back on you and you realize the relationship isn’t going to work. Needless to say our marriage lasted a little over 1 year. My ex sided with his parents and sold out to all the bribes they offered.
The thing is Phyllis’ in-laws treated her in the same manner. She always said how hurtful and humiliating it was for them to put her through that. And no matter what, Phyllis was always the victim. But yet she was being just as disrespectful and hateful towards me.
It was a bittersweet situation – I was broken up over the divorce, but also very happy to leave that situation. My ex and his parents are someone else’s problem now. And I’m pretty sure if Shawn’s second wife didn’t meet his parents approval she was probably put into the same situation as I was.
When your in laws don’t like you, excluding you from family pictures, shooting daggers at you,, etc etc they have the problem! Build up your boundaries , make new friends and just do you, enjoy a hobby, get healthy and keep moving forward!!
I pray to get here. So hard
I am in the same position. 6yrs and still left out of everything unless my husband drags us along. I’ve finally given up. It never gets easier, you just learn to let yourself let go of the pressure and stress you place on yourself to fit in.
You can only use the information given to you to help
I totally understand, dear Joan. Praying for the same.
I had been married before and had a wonderful and loving relationship with my now ex’s large family. He and I split, and they were just as loving toward me as ever.
So it was quite the shock meeting my new husband’s family and experiencing their hatred. They admitted trying to run off the first wife — like I needed a hint of what their goals were! So I refused to attend their crap and feel so much better now.
My wife of two years, sided with me when her aunt and one niece were on a hate campaign against me. The aunt and I are slowly building a bridge between us and I like it. But about two months ago my wife’s good/long term friend wrongfully accused me of something and she explained I hadn’t done what they thought and they apologized to her but have ostracized me. My wife is okay with it.
Your wife is okay with her friend ostracizing you? Over something you didn’t do?
Pack your bag if at all possible
Thank you!!! That’s what I will be doing. I have been fighting for 7 long years for their love and affection for myself and my kids. I was unsuccessful. I had enough
Hi rowena
I have been with my hubby almost 6yrs…married for just over 18 months…we have six kids between us…my youngest is now 12 and we have brought him up together since he was 6 so they are very close.
My boys 26 and 27 are great with my hubby…respectful and treat him like one of the family but my husbands daughters aged 24 and 22 hate me and his older sister aged around 63 and her daughter aged around 46 hate me too.
I have never given them any reason to dislike me and have spent years trying to be closer to them for my husband as I love him dearly but to no a avail.
It is very sad…but you cant go on forever trying to be accepted so I have given up. I no longer invite them to my family occasions and no longer go out of my way to attend theirs. In the past I would have baked cakes for their birthdays but now I dont even acknowledge them. It is sad as I feel they have changed me as a person but that is the way it is.
You just move on…my husband loves me no less for backing away and we no longer have upset.
When your a loving person who poses no threat it is hard to get your head around this sort of situation but sadly some people are so twisted in their own thoughts they cant see a good thing when its staring them in the face. The relationship between my husband and his family has suffered because of their behaviour towards me without my intervention at all.
I feel sorry for them in the end as what they have tried to avoid…their father spending all of his time with my family… they have created all by themselves because of their nasty ways
Ive been fighting for 21 long years for affection, respect and acceptance. To No Avail! I hear exactly what your feeling.
I have gone up one side and down the other for years. Its years of a vicious circle of confusion, emptiness and heartbreak.
My husbands mother is the “Italian Queen” of her family and they all do, feel and think just as She directs. Its sad cuz now her campaign against me has them all disliking me, talking bad about me, and thinking I am a “NOTHING”. As my daughter got older they all started to manipulate her mind too. Its been so so awful for me.
Thank the Good Lord we live in another state!
Now for the Good News.
After the last straw when his mother physically almost broke my finger w/ one of her yelling @ me bouts, I drew the Line!
Never again will I subject myself to her rudeness, cruelty, Prideful, Arrogant behavior and disrespect of me and my family. Due to this, She Lost us going to see her for Xmas, birthdays, holidays, etc.
And….I dont allow her to come to our house.
Her Loss.
It still hurts like Heck deep inside. Still creates a little frustration in my marriage, but Nothing like she used too. My husband doesn’t really get or feel it. Cuz he’s her child.
However, I’m getting stronger everyday. I’m holding my head higher now.
I’m learning to believe “it’s her problem, their family problem, not mine”
* I can look back and say, I did try to get her blessing a thousand times, but she blatantly refuses to give love & friendship”
As for my husband, he sees the blatant rejection, but he rarely stands up for me cuz hes just plain scared of the rejection from her too.
Oh well…..I will continue to pray Jesus gives strength, courage and fills me w/ Love.
Me being a Christian and her being an Athiest never helped the situation.
Hold tight, be Free, Pray and “Give it to God”
I feel the exact pain. We aren’t included in anything aside from the major holidays. That is probably just to save face as it’s the obligatory invite. My husband parents, sisters and sisters husbands have no relationships with us. When we are around them they only talk about themselves, talk over us, only talk to eachother and overall don’t care to know us/listen. My husbands parents and their daughters are very very close. I know they all talk close to daily and hang out constantly. We are always the odd ones out. My husbands sister hated me for years. My husband basically gave up on everyone as he top sees what is happening. When we are around them it’s surface level at best because we are tired of trying. I’ve told my mother in law a few times how hurtful it is to feel left out. She’s full of excuses and says what we feel isn’t true. Nothing ever changes. It’s beyond obvious they don’t care and don’t notice we are the only ones excluded. It’s very very painful. We all live in the same tiny town. So we are well aware how we are consistently excluded and the only ones without emotional connections. It’s also odd to me just how careless my husbands own parents are to anything that happens in our lives. Our backyard practically touches our inlaws backyard and they make no effort to know us. And to add – in front of others or if other people are around they act as if they know us so well. So pretend I guess. When in reality they have no communication or emotional connection to us, make no plans to see us, and are ok with us being left out of everything.
Me too. And I got illnamed by my husband that I’m varriganr, stubborn, and always ready to pick fights. 8 yrs seeking their love but I never got, never felt that they treated me as a family member.
I dont get my husbands parents they don’t approve of me his mom doesnt want me in her house his father has never once talked to me. Yet his mother asks him for pictures of us both so she could put it on her work desk or hang it at on a family tree. So if they dont like me why on earth does she want a picture of both of us. Instead of only her son.
They just want to show a good face, nothing more. My own family (talian) is like this, what is important is to show a “belle figura” to people outside family. Inside the family it’s all coercion and manipulation.
Beautiful Liar,
Bravo! That was a stellar performance you put on for us all these years… And you kept it up for quite some time, in between the disappearing acts. It must have been so exhausting, presenting the illusion of a real person capable of real love. I’m not sure if you know this, as an emotionally stunted 5 year old, but telling family you love them while continuing to mistreat them is abuse. I know, I didn’t want to believe it either, but it’s true. You are the abusive one, despite telling anyone (willing to sit in front of you and listen) that it was anyone but you… That pedestal we put you on when you weren’t busy being evil, was just our love and light that made you seem so special. In hindsight, you are nothing but an insidious coward. We wish we had realized it sooner…
I had the power to destroy you and I had the grace to walk away. You’re in karma’s hands now. I hope she’s wearing your beloved fake smile when she visits you. Going forward, I pity the empty shell that you display to the world. You will continue to spend your days attempting to fill your insatiable void, with no luck. Disposing of us, while luring us in, only to disappoint will not suddenly transform you into a good person, despite the lies you tell yourself. You hate your fake reflection and take it out on anyone who dares to try to love you….
Your arrogance one day will certainly wonder if we hate or miss you. The truth is, you can’t miss someone who never existed in the first place.
Man… Talk about narcissism! I hope your daughter-in-law doesn’t walk—-I hope she runs!
Yuck!? Projection much?! Here you are writing about her in a comment section, but she’s the coward.
And I bet that you have never said any of this to her face..
It’s obvious from the backhanded compliment (Beautiful Liar) that you are steeped in bitterness. Nobody wants to be around that. And I don’t blame her for disappearing , you seem to be very unhealthy individual.
She didn’t dispose of you, you did that to yourself, with all the evil antics you’re conveniently leaving out. Your going on and on about what she did, but never about what YOU DID. I hope your daughter in law stays far away from you and doesn’t allow you anywhere near her children as people like you are POISON.
You should be thankful that she was able to still carry a smile even with that attitude. She is alone and you bullies doesnt deserve her. Its good that she was able to run away from all your maddening and sickening behaviour. It’s you who has the fake and misleading attitude. You’ve caused her so much pain already and whatever brought her to runaway from all you is the best decision she could have possibly made.
Everybody deserves to be treated and respected right. But you definitely doesnt know how to do that.
It’s not her who is arrogant but its all of you who did not even bother to take time to see her.
You can all stay together and pretend to be happy.
Dont worry, I bet shes having a blast not missing all of you. Because now she’s FREE!
My husband’s grown boy’s are disrespect ful of me. The granddaughter is just like her grandmother with her mental illness & is as dangerous as a cocked gun & screamed out at me with a finger pointed in my face in my yard just because appologised for mentioning her grandmother’s name & I wanted to honor her & let my husband’s son’s know that I was not trying to take the place of her.
It’s sad but ultimately it is a reflection of them not you. I’ve chosen to not participate any family gatherings and I am much happier for it. My husband is torn between not participating and staying home with me. I encourage him to go.We share a daughter and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. My first born and I have never been accepted by my husbands mother father or his sisters. When he asked for his mother’s blessings when he proposed to me she declined and said she couldn’t give her blessing. It’s hurtful. I am happy to say we’re still married it’s been 21 years married and 27 years together total. We outlasted his mother and fathers marriage they lasted 15 years. His sisters on her 2nd marriage his father has been married 3 times. I know my worth and I refuse to be disrespected and will not tolerate toxic people in my life! I’ll tell you what both of my daughters are grown and both see these people for who they truly are.
I know what you feel and it is hard because even when people tell you to not care you care more and just wished they changed Ive been married 10 years and sometimes wonder is its worth it feeling uncomfortable all the time when you go over or your husband staying home with you ina way makes me feel guilty 🙁
Im reading these bc im going through it too. Just about had enough…are u still dealing w this?
I have trouble with my mother in law. She is so malicious and likes to be viewed as the perfect mother. In reality she is a great mother, terrible wife and even more loose morally as a sibling. She is the most judgementally disturbed person anyone could ever be. She hates the idea of her husband treating her like a roommate, but she is never there for him physically. He is great but I believe he wants to get out of the trap. She cried with him when we announced our marriage. She tried to attack me for asking her to respect my marital boundaries. She has gotten better about calling him incessantly, but will invite him over and keep him away for extended periods of time. I was truly heartbroken when she cursed me out. My husband was shocked that she broke her Mary Poppins character to betray me as unworthy. She told my husband to only care about his son and treasure him and that if I was a brand of weed; I’d be Reggie. And that’s not what anyone truly desires. She uses every moment to cause confusion in our lives and that statement got me kicked out of her house. I never thought my existence would hurt her. But I think her understandable desires to be a great mom took a turn when she starts using my husband as a crutch. I am afraid to give him a child and he continues to ask. I want to move but one bad encounter with her makes me a believer in her dark magic. It’s like she plucked a. hair from us both and is the ventriloquist of our lives.
Amen. I am glad you have stayed together and hope things are well still. I have kind of the same problem. My father in law was the only reason we were ever invited to family get together’s with my husband’s family since we had gotten married. He has saddly passed away and now the true colors have come out with his mother and one sister in particular. Funny thing is his father would always get this one sister mad so she would leave until he got sick, then she started pouring on the syrup to gain his favor. He still made sure we were at family gatherings and still on occasion did something to tick her off. Now, after he passed away, my husband’s sister targeted him in a way she knew would put him in a bad light. After he refused to even go around her we promptly were deleted from family gatherings. So that she could shame me, she has made sure his ex wife has become part of their family. My father in law knew she was not a good person and only pretended to be to those she could manipulate. My husband is torn and misses his father. He had always told me, even before his dad passed away, his dad was the only one that has ever stood beside him. He apparetly was the only one that stood beside me and our daughter as well.
Your story connected with me . I am torn about no longer attending family functions either along with my daughter . There is no acceptance, disrespect and Blatent rejection of my entire family . My partner has a son form a previous marriage (the mother is not around and left when he was an infant ) I didn’t birth him but I consider him my son and he considers me as his mom . We then have a baby together . There was no celebration around the pregnancy or birth ,I was told they will never love another grandchild as much as their one grandson .
His parents comment on social media acting all loving , write these emotional filled letters to all of us in the family to read out at the family gatherings infront of one another .. but they contradict everything and are rude dismissive , manipulative try to put everyone in their family against myself, my daughter and my extended family . It’s creates such cognitive dissonance. I called out their crap This summer . And they agreed to go to therapy with us . My partner has gone with them and talked about his trauma as a child at their hands , their continued toxic patterns that continue and the boundaries he has now in order to try to continue the relationship . I don’t know if I want to attend therapy sleuth then . I feel done with the games and manipulations and want peace in my life … there is no space in my life for them without it being nothing but painful . I feel like I’m failing my partner .. he supports me , but I know it’s not what he wants .. are you truly happy with the decision the remove yourself from the situation ?
I have been married to my husbands for 18 years. I don’t talk much, so I don’t know if people think I’m stut up or what. I’m not smart, I don’t know about sports , I don’t know politics. I just don’t know what to talk to his family about.
One day his Mom wanted to take a picture of all the girls in the family. I didn’t want to get in that. So I told them that is ok, I’m not blood, I’m just married to you all. Well that started it all. We don’t get invited to family birthday’s, we barely get invited to Thanksgiving stuff. So I don’t care to go over their, his cousins dont talk to me. Don’t know what to do now. What to do.
Kelly D., my sister in law told me I wasn’t part of their real family because I wasn’t a blood relative. It crushed me. I only have a mom and sister on my side of the family and have always treasured my husbands family. To me, they were family. It doesn’t sound like you meant to hurt any of them with what you said, so that helps me. However, I know now that they don’t think of me as family like I do them and that has been very difficult for me. I no longer know my role in the family so I have just backed off.
I’m in a similar situation. Married for 5 years, I actually thought we were close and had a good relationship. Until one evening when they humiliated me infront of their cousins. The oldest sis in law seats she doesn’t care about me and doesn’t love me. The other one says she gives me bring married into their family regrettable ! They apologized the next day saying they lived me and consider me as a sister. However, I just can’t forget overlook their statements, the humiliation, disrespect & disregard. I’ve been broken since, mostly because I didn’t see it coming.
I strongly suspect that you didn’t do anything wrong. I say that because from what you said, you’ve long felt (18 years), unwanted and unwelcome by your husband’s family. I went through the same thing, for 17 years, then we divorced. My being treated like an alien by his family wasn’t the reason our marriage ended, but it was a significant stress which added to our marital problems.
I was so hopeful throughout most of those 17 years that they’d treat me like a normal human being, but I didn’t “get it” until about a year before we divorced, that my being treated as an equal was never, ever going to happen. And, that my alienation was not my fault.
My exclusion began the 1st.year.of our marriage. My MIL was so sarcastic, but I continued to “play nice” with her and was hopeful by doing so, that she’d come around. Also, I had thought I was in a positive relationship with my SIL, although sometimes she was a little “icy” toward me.
Well, both my MIL and SIL were boundary-crossers, and I’d let them know (always kindly) a couple of times, that as a couple, my Hubs and I needed our privacy. Here’s a brief list of the boundaries they crossed: when we were at work, my MIL found the box we kept our household bills, credit card bills, etc, in. She then interrogated ME about each bill when I got home. She also took over the kitchen, everytime she came over. I made dinner for all of us once, and she made sarcastic comments about my cooking, all that night. My SIL wasn’t so rude as my MIL, but she too, expected us to drop everything – our plans, etc, whenever she stopped by.
And, get this – both my MIL and SIL, lived 65 miles away. Well, after 10 months of this bad treatment, my SIL, her hubs, and their 4 kids once again showed up on a Sunday morning, and this time, I was still in my nightshirt, which barely covered my fanny, but hey – it was my day off work, with my hubs and our baby. But, I’d forgotten to lock the front door!. One of my SIL’s 4 kids got to our door, before the rest of them did. Didn’t knock, he just opened the door and ran inside, and there I am standing, half-dressed. None of them even noticed!, until the last one came in, which was my BIL. I was mortified with embarrassment, he apologized, but my SIL didn’t care.
I didn’t blow up, though. But after they left, I told my hubs that from now on, his SIL needed to call us first, to make sure we were home, and were available to see them. My hubs agreed, and kindly relayed this to his Sister. From that point forward, I was increasingly “iced out” of their family. He wasn’t iced out, but I was. He received complaints for well over a decade after that, though, from both his mom and his sister, that I was so very, very wrong to request my SIL, to call ahead. It was horrible after that, for me. They either pretended I was invisible and didn’t exist, or what they did say to me, was laced with heavy sarcasm.
I was in my early 20’s then, and naive about things like manipulation, control, hidden aggression, etc., so I kept trying to “work it out” with them, explaining over and over, why I needed a call ahead. Years later, after reading books on manipulation, wished I’d never, ever explained myself, cause I realized I’d been played for years, by those two women. From that point on, I became relieved of the heavy burden of false guilt they’d laid on me for years, over my requesting a call ahead. I mean, come on, that’s ridiculous! They didn’t ever change one bit, and that’s sad… But at least I finally figured out that their acceptance of me, was never going to happen. The pain of being rejected is awful, and my heart goes out to you and your husband. If you read up on manipulation, it may offer you some emotional relief.
I’ve been married now 39 yrs. this April. My MIL has turned everyone agauist me, from the very beginning. In the last 20yrs the MIL will call my husband & say the ‘whole family’s getting together” but, our kids or I don’t welcome. My husband used to be ok with this but, he finally realized in the last few yrs that it hurts our kids and me. Now when he goes over by himself when they have their so called family get together, well, where’s S—–? Why didn’t she come? The last time he went my husband said “you didn’t ask her”. And they didn’t say anything, he said. His MIL knows what she’s doing. She figures if she keeps treating me like shit, I’ll leave. She’s done the same thing to the other in-laws and they got divorced. Right now the 1 son got divorced about 15 yrs ago, still lives in mother’s basement, doesn’t work. But MIL is very happy with it. She has her son back living with her, just like when he was a little boy. And b4 that, she thought she would break up my husband & I by having someone call me & tell me my husband was having an affair with many women. I hired a P.I. to find out who made the call, was told it was someone in the family. Well, we didn’t break up but, shortly after that happen, brother in-law got divorced and moved back in with her. As a matter of fact MIL has my husband listed as he lives with her in her house. Husband has NEVER lived with her in her house she in now. Has another son, not married but keeps having kids by many different women. She tells that son, he does NOT have to pay any support to his kids because he never married the mothers. “What?” We had our wills made years ago; husband’s brother told husband when I die, he can change the will anyway he wants and to put the brother and his kids into the will. That makes me feel good, waiting for me to die so the brother in-law can get something. He nothing but a freeloader. Nothing will never change with no matter how hard I’ve tried to be nice to them in the beginning I don’t try any more. Now I can’t wait for the MIL to die, she’s in her 90’s & still the same way. Anyways, when the mother dies, the brother will just take over where she left off. They are free loaders, only out for what they can get.
How do I handle a son-in-law who refuses to allow me to watch grandchild. He believes that I am a horrible parent. He also will not allow any of my daughters siblings to watch his 3 year old son. Yet his mother and siblings are great to watch him. He has verbally attacked me about what I give him to drink, eat, toys to play, childrens educational tv etc. Yesterday he yelled at in a hotel hallway, because I gave him and other grandson gatorade diluted 50% with water. They were playing outside in 90* weather. As well as gave him a drink of pediasure milk. Both in his mind are terrible things to drink
Kudos for being a parent who is willing to consider how you may have contributed to the conflict with your child’s spouse. Your grandchildren’s parents have absolute authority over the care of the children. If you apologize and agree to follow their wishes, they may be more open to visits. You cannot justify going against a parent’s wishes no matter the temperature or how healthy the drink—it is their call. If you have concerns about neglect or abuse, call dfcs
— it isn’t your place to intervene.
Omgosh!!!! Thank you for that input! Please tell my mil this! She is evil. She doesn’t fool me. People think she has changed but she’s still the same old evil Grinch she always has been.
Thank You so much. I have cats interfering in my marriage and parenting since day one. I reach out and try to be cordial but it’s not reciprocated and then I’m accused of not being genuine when the issue isn’t my authenticity but rather they reject me at the onset. I sincerely try to be humble and get all sorts of insults whispered even though I have 3 college degrees got my wife a brand new house brand new suv and work hard to pay mortgage.Lost my job in my profession and ended up working 12 hour night shifts in a freezer yet still treated like I’m a snob when I’ve been open arms and willing to roll up sleeves to provide. A lot of passive aggressive body language and vibes from her brothers and parents in general her mom vicious talking about how our house is small and wanting in the yard. I’m very deferential and try to be generally contrite so that I’m not labeled precisely as snob and trying to pour love on my kids but then try to exclude me really connected w her dad but always get a disingenuous vibe from him finally one day I snapped and they saw they confused nice w pushover. I am nice but I’m human everyone has limits how dare you stay in my home and try to correct me in front of my kids talking about how my two year old daughter is on a trajectory to criminality you don’t know what you are saying you ignorant midget lard. Livid. No one will say that about my little daughter no one not my wife not her dad not her mom not my dad not my mom not the emperor. You will respect me and my authority i my marriage and home. Don’t correct me on parenting I’m almost 40 w three kids I’m not 18 inexperienced and If I feel I need help I will ask or you can ask me but don’t sit there and lecture me when you have not had kids in decades and then say something so mean spirited.
I just wanted everyone to know that reading your experiences made me feel less alone. I am dealing with a similar situation to Hope’s. When we first married, they loved me, but their opinion of me has changed over the years, particularly since they have another daughter-in-law who can’t stand me. It hurts to see when we are excluded, when I see pictures or hear them telling stories of things where we were not invited.
I don’t care for myself, but I do for my husband and children. I want them to have a good relationship. It is to the point where I avoid family functions because I just don’t want to upset my husband and children with my own reactions. For whatever reason, it just doesn’t bother him the way it does me, That is strange to me, since it is his family.
I am a turning point where I need to make some decisions for my own well-being and that of my own family. I encourage my husband to engage with his family. If I didn’t encourage it, he probably never would at all. Ironic that I am the reason he has any interaction with them, when they are so cold to me and our children.
I am in the same position. My children and I are excluded from nearly everything. Then, when we do see them, we get to hear all about it. My children are treated like they do not matter. My husband sees his siblings as they are, he does not wish to spend a lot of time with them, but they are his family. I respect that. You need to grieve, process, and finally accept that these are not people you want to be around. They do not embrace you, they are not good for you. Find your boundaries, stick to them. Always be who you want to be. Don’t let them change you or doubt yourself. You’ll never figure them out and it is a waste of precious time trying. I spent a long time on this. I’ve put great distance between us and it has been very good for me and my children. We have grown closer, learned a lot about ourselves and what we want. It has led us to a firmer appreciation and embrace of my family and our friends in a way that we couldn’t before because we spent time on negative, fruitless relationships.
Thqnks for the reply sister, I am on the same situation right now and I came to a point that whatever coz my mom in-law is very controlling from his money ,she even but the bedding for him while I’m around ,she dresses his bed imagine, who can sta.d up for such nonsense
Your situation sounds like mine,I have a boyfriend he has 2 sisters and 1 brother,my mother in law despite me very much,she also poisons my sister in law’s to despite me,my brother in law has a girlfriend now my mother In law love my brother in law girlfriend just because she is working she can put food in the table,they criticize me,they say I’m not working so I don’t mean anything to them.
I love my fiance but our baby didn’t even change the way they are towards me so cold and I don’t get invited ,I don’t know what to do if I should marry or not ,it makes it and cause he will never cut them off and they are all verry close
I’m going through the exact same thing, our son is 8 months and my fiance’s family hasn’t even came by to visit him, they didn’t come to the hospital for his birth even though we were there 4 days, they didn’t want to help with the baby shower and the ones who showed up sat in the back of the room the whole time
My daughters boyfriends (18) parents called us over so he (step-dad) could talk to them with me present after he found out she was pregnant (19) (she’s decided to keep the baby) He tried to control the whole “meeting” by telling her how disappointed they are and told her she needed to take care of it while it’s still early. He went on about how they are not here to raise grandkids. He even tried to talk for his son by saying he has mixed feelings. (Before we arrived he told his wife and son not to talk) If she decides to have it they will not have any part of it and they are no longer allowed to see or talk to each other. Making it clear that my daughter or the baby are not welcome. I spoke up and told him that I left the decision up to her and that she is going to keep the baby. I said I don’t feel comfortable here so we got up and left but not after I said my family will help support her. I can’t believe how much he talked down to us. This totally crushed my daughter, she was not expecting that.
Susan,
all the best to you and your daughter (and the baby bum). Don’t let low lives destroy what should be a wonderful experience for you and your daughter. The day will come they will be embarrassed about what happened in the room that day.
The law requires the child’s biological father to pay child support, medical bills for the pregnancy, etc. Whether his dad approves or not. Whether the boyfriend likes your daughter any more, is allowed to see her, or not.
How about wanting to be a part of a baby shower for a grandchild, and the “mother in law” hands the entire event over to her sisters leaving you cut out of the whole thing?
Or how about not being invited to the birthing of your grandchild of your gtandchild at all?
We’ve been married for 11 years and half the time my inlaws still dont even speak to me, Sometimes even in my own house. I constantly receive dirty looks and never will there ever be any family pictures that’s not even in the equation. And all my wife does is stand there with a dumb ass look on her face or she acts like she dont see nothing wrong.
I would be hurt about not being included in the baby shower planning but when it comes to being included at birth I dont tjink anyone can be upset about that. It’s such a personal thing and you have only who you feel comfortable having there. I only wanted my husband there. No mothers whatsoever and we didnt even announce the birth for hours afterward so that I could bond with baby without interruptions.
It’s hard on most people who are excluded. It’s harder when it’s family. The pain of rejection is real. There is only one thing which will stop the pain, it’s when we don’t consider what is happening to be painful. We can’t make people like us. We can manipulate people sometimes but they will resent it and we will experience pain as a result. Let’s consider a different perspective: we didn’t ask to be born into a family, we chose to be part of others life. If they don’t choose to accept our gifts of friendship, love and alliance then they are the lesser for it not us. We are not victims, we are not any less. We are loving and that’s why we feel. The feelings are present to show us how others would feel if we acted unconscionable. We move forward and walk in love while guarding our hearts. I understand the solitude and questioning.
Oh yes exact same prob but they live next door. So you see the whole thing.
Hi Doris, It’s your daughter in-laws decision who she wants to handle the baby shower and invite to birthday parties etc. It’s not yours. It’s natural for her to pick someone she feels very close to, respects and trusts with this particular planning event. It sounds like you feel you have some sort of unspoken authority over how ‘included’ you should be. As a mother gets older and gives her children roots and wings, it’s important to realize that the dominant figures in this new family of theirs SHOULD be the mother and father. You can still be important but you will not be on the pedestal you once were. It’s natural. Age and be gracious in your new role. Help when asked. Give counsel when asked. Nobody likes unsolicited advice. Gain their respect and trust and they may look to you for a stronger relationship.
That is their way of showing disapproval of you. Yes! They hurt our children to prove a point “they don’t like us.” Your healing is to know and understand that they have a problem. How you win: stop wasting time or energy on people so tragically petty and obliviously dysfunctional. There was a time I felt rejected when my sons father family did not support him in a critical and tragic time of his life (ICU) fighting for his life. They did not come to visit, not the grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc. I could not believe. Well, I picked up my jaw, closed my mouth and moved on. Now that I have accepted it they are even angrier. You see you win when they cannot hurt you anymore. POINT: You cannot change them, work on your peace. God Bless You.
What a great response! And everyone who has posted something here about how they are dealing with this issue and moving forward! These situations are different, but they’re also all the same. It’s hurtful, but all the thing in our lives that are difficult are the things that help us grow. Every single one of us has the ability and the strength to use this situation to become stronger and a more resilient person. You can’t change anyone but yourself! <3
Amen to that…it gets to a point where you become indifferent and just focus on enhancing YOUR life with YOUR husband (their son/brother ;-)) and let them think however they’re going to think. My in-laws prematurely sold their paid for house because they were going into retirement in the motherland (my family members are immigrants) even though they actually go back and forth. When they come to the U.S., they stay with the oldest SIL but they burned the bridge of living with their daughter (SIL) and her husband because of their lack of respect for him (they really didn’t agree to SIL marrying him in the first place…they’ve been married for like at least 20-21 years now) which caused tension and conflict in the home to the point where the husband and SIL said she no longer wanted them to live with her. So when the time came about 2.5 years ago and we bought a bigger house which happens to be in a neighboring town from SIL, the parents in law just so happened to be at the tail end of living with SIL and got it in their heads that they would move in with us…YES THEY DID. They came to see our new home which my husband wanted to inform them that we moved and give them a house tour before we even got settled in the house. We had not even unpacked and within 2 weeks, they were talking about moving in with us to my husband. When my husband approached me with the idea, I naturally said NO…I mean…if they are having a hard time staying with their own daughter, what in goodness name would be my fate as DIL? Not to mention, they, including SIL have only acknowledged us WHEN THEY NEED SOMETHING. She have the nerve to even try and promote the process to move along…yes she has NO consideration for others because she’s in her own plight. This particular SIL never really gave me a warm reception anyway from the time I was introduced to her when my husband and I began dating which was over 20 years ago (dated for 3 years and now married for 17.5 years). Over the more recent years, it seemed like she was making “attempts” but it’s really neither here nor there to be honest because the moment something good seems to happen for me she shifts, and it’s likely that she is more “friendly” because she was under the impression that her parents would be staying with us. My younger SIL is no better with her underhanded remarks towards me about how “expensive” something is that I have on (implying that I spend a lot of money, read her brother’s money on my clothes and appearance) or my eating habits (insinuating that I have a questionable eating pattern, read eating disorder simply because I have two kids and still wear the same clothing size I wore throughout my adult life), and she has struggled with losing and maintaining her weight throughout her young AND adult life, and yet she does things that are practically mimicking my taste/style. The youngest SIL is what I’ve known as a snob and questioning things snarkly or in a judgmental manner if she doesn’t seem to agree. For example I happen to LOVE shoes and have a large shoe collection. Before we moved to our larger home, I stored things in the garage including a large number of pairs of shoes. When my husband was just teasing me in fun about my shoe obsession, and me being enthusiastic about the subject, he opened the door to the garage to show off my shoes while she stood there looking around commenting snarkly “Who even needs this many pairs of shoes?” “Why would anyone buy so many pairs?” “I mean look at all of this…what for?”…yes she just kept going “This is just too much and unbelievable…I mean really who needs all of this?” Well…wait till she get a load of my closet which is an entire extra bedroom that I use and I have other closets that are filled on top of THAT, lol 🙂 They younger SILs live out of state with their husbands and families and we coincidently closed on our home a few days after they left from their last visit do they haven’t seen our house yet. Anyhow, the parents in law particularly the MIL is all of a sudden a holier than thou “born again Christian” who tends to bring in God in EVERY discussion no matter how casual the conversation and quote scriptures and bring up bible scenarios and the like to a discussion that is NOT even a bible study. She also does this to underhandedly give out insults. BUT when it suits the purpose of her kids or her daughters are in the same joyous situations, she is praising Jesus and the like…much like when they had a tour of our new house she was praising Jesus, but I soon realized it wasn’t to express joy for us…it was more to express relief for them when they thought they could just move in with us. In terms of unsolicited advise, the subject came up (again) about the amount of things that I have since we JUST started moving things in little by little, and she began with saying how “Well.. there are orphans in Ghana (country of family’s origin) that could benefit from those things or the funds…if you haven’t worn them in the last year, you need to get rid of them.” If it were HER daughter who had an abundance of clothing and shoes, she would say something like “Oh God has truly blessed you…God is SO good.” Yeah…although I’m glad they don’t come by frequently, including oldest SIL being that we live in the neighboring town that’s like 5 minutes away from them, now that it has since been in place, I would just LOVE to flaunt my closet(s) in their face and let them say what they will (yes…indifference and to gloat). FIL is a gossiper…he gossiped about his own daughter (oldest SIL) in reference to her husband (the one that they lived with) how much more me? He said some truly inappropriate things about me and even exaggerated and downright LIED about me…and then he went on about my brothers. Unfortunately for him, he gossiped to people that respect my parents and they went back and told my parents all that he said. HE GOSSIPS ABOUT EVERYONE HE GETS CLOSE TO including so called friends. The problem with gossip about me is that because we are in-laws, there are people that would tend to believe it and run with it. Again, WHY would I have them living with us? They also tend to give unsolicited advise and really work to manipulate my husband by playing on his emotions like how a son should be towards his elderly parents. I can go on and on. Nevertheless, as far as I’m concerned, they are NOT moving in with us now or EVER. They have THREE daughters…they can opt to live with the other two since they burned the bridge with the eldest…maybe ask BIL…that is, if HIS wife is open to the idea which between us, she had already expressed that she is not willing to have them stay longer than a week or two but NOT live for an indefinite period of time.
Good advice!!! You have to grow ways to cope through the pain and dysfunctional crap. I am also a huge proponent for distancing yourself from the people that affect you negatively. Life is too short to put yourself in that pool of toxic waste called the in- Laws or Outlaws as I refer to them as!
I left my ex- husband because all his family would do is talk about me and their favorite saying was that i was less of a woman and unworthy. I cried for many nights and days over everything that was being said to me by them. They hated me because i had already had three children before me and my ex- husband even got together. They talked about my children as well. Now they are emotionally abused. Me and my ex- husband share four kids together and his family talks about them as well, but at this point because he has decided to side with his family, i left him and moved on with my life to better myself with my children. His family now pretends like they are so hurt. I won’t even budge for them. I’m unbothered.
Me and my fiance have been dating for almost 4 years. He is from India and he finally told his parents. His dad told him no. He really wants his family blessings. Although my dad said no I was willing to turn my back to be with the man I love but after 3 years I don’t even think he knows all he can say is I’m making this hard. Who says that?! I’m so mad right now. Everyone is telling me to give him his space. I just don’t know this is so furstrating. Being from 2 different cultures this is hard.why can’t these people be Normal. Guess I should be glad it happened before we got a child mixed up in it.
I’ve have invited in laws for Christmas 2 times within 40 years because it always revolves around them on my invitation they come 4 to 5 hours late because cause they are visiting others how do I look At this I know they love to show favorites of their other son and grandchildren.
you will always be left out dear Licia. I would take the baby and find someone who him and his family love and adore you. People like this don’t change.
Same situation. We’ve been together 4 or 5 years. Have a 3.5 yr old son, been engaged since before getting preggers. Married about 2 months ago. Mil has not spoke to me more than 3 words since we announced it on Facebook and leaves me out of everything. Even to the point of trying to give my husband a baby shower without me there that my husband found out about at the last minute and I went only because I got off work an hour and a half early. Sneaky woman. Some days I wish this wasn’t my life but it is so I need to try to work it out. My son is ores his dad and I couldn’t hurt him because of a woman that should know better that to act like she is 🙁
Frankly, I wouldn’t have gone to that baby shower and neither would HE have gone. After all, it’s a baby shower (without the mother-to-be no less) that you “knew nothing” about… I mean…how odd for her to even consider such a thing. I know the feeling of exclusivity from the in-laws though. I don’t even get introduced to their friends that happen to pop in on visits during the holidays or even say during the youngest SIL’s bridal shower for example. I wasn’t even aware of her bachelorette party or festivities or anything. I mean…hey. Plus the second to youngest SIL has introduced single women to my husband, again with no acknowledgement or introduction of me, as if she is suggesting they talk (if you get my meaning). Strange isn’t it? This is from the same SIL that in a breath she would refer to me as “her sister” when asked directly who I am or who she’s talking to…BULLS***. I find HER and the eldest to behave in a manner of what I feel is insecurity towards me more from the beginning and frequently than not. They plan trips, leave during family get togethers or visits to go on shopping outings or events…name it…I DON’T get included but they ask their family friend who is there during the same visit to join them. I expressed this to my mother some time ago and what she said made me truly see things differently. She stated “Really, I understand why you feel the way you do but trust me…appreciate the distance. You don’t want to be too close with your in-laws especially like the ones that you have. Just always be cordial and polite. But don’t mind if they don’t include you because knowing how they are, you don’t want to be in their company for too long anyway, how much more a trip?” YES…she’s right. I mean it’s not like I can’t plan my OWN getaways with friends or my husband or even independently. Plus, it’s more fun to shop alone majority of the time anyway because you can conquer more ground and be as long as you like. Anyhow, the bottom line is I’ve grown indifferent. I continue to live my life as comfortably as I can and choose. Plus, it’s not like I see them often anyway. I remain cordial, and polite but I don’t bend over backwards to do things that I would otherwise not do at any other moment. I’ve been married now for 17.5 years and trust me…if not for this site that I just so happen to come across while I was googling something else, I wouldn’t even be thinking about them because I am on the tail end of my vacation as we speak (;-)) and have my thoughts and energy channeled more towards my upcoming shopping trip and what I’m going to be doing once we return home :-O.
I have had a very simular experience. But in the past when the kids were little my in laws would fly him to family reunions each year and the rest of us stayed behind. Now that the kids are grown he still gets flown in from wherever and I stay behind and my kids who are older are asked to go.
My mother in law died labout two years ago and now my husband tells me that he no longer wants to be of the same religeon as me because his mother wanted him to be of her religeon. Even across the grave she is seperating my family.
I’m in a situation where my husbands family (Aunty who is a mother figure),uncle,cousins all very close and very strong & judgemental people,contact mainly when they want something.the aunt is what I say likes to be top dog in the family been with my husband 12 years always got on fairly well with them not to the extent I would meet up without hubby never felt comftable enough to do that,always brought presents for bdays,xmas ect.this year I had noticed a real coldness at the family dos. literally would just get a hello and goodbye.im a hairdresser and have done the aunts hair for 12 years.on one or two occasions I couldn’t do her hair a paticular time she wanted usually I would on a weekend but had plans (as I work full time) but also around the same time me and my husband had had a bit of a row so out of the norm he went to them upset and for a sholder to cry on (which I said straight away I was upset about as I’m very private)
Ever since then she has gone elsewhere for hair,so I’m not aware which of those things is why she’s gone quiet on me?even so are they any reasons to go cold on someone?! We went to a bbq and my other half noticed it after months of telling me it was in my head,he purposely left me to see if they would approach me but they didn’t
So he made a comment as leaving about it saying that he wouldn’t be coming to anymore dos as no one had made any afford to speak to me.They all know I suffer from anxiety too
After that do it took a month for the Aunt to contact hubby,she wouldn’t speak to him,no messages to me even which upset me,
Then when she finally contacted him through a txt saying she didn’t understand the problem he called her and exsplained saying he’s noticed they’ve gone cold on me they didn’t deny it they said they had tried to call me but couldn’t get through and tried to txt him but they wouldn’t send ‘Bull’
He also said he had gone to them upset in confidence that time and he feels like they gone funny on me since then,again no denial just ‘we can understand why you would feel upset about that’but no contact to me at all
To me just don’t give a dam
No birthday present for me this year no message nothing ,I’m upset because Iv done nothing to them,always been kind to them (to kind)
And my husband just goes round there for tea with the kids like nothings happened?is this right?I feel upset cause they gone cold on me no contact but he’s just carrying on
I’m torn…my husband and I moved from Texas to North Carolina so that I could be closer to my mother.we have been married for ten years and have had our ups and downs.my family aware of some of our issues,some unacceptable,some forgotten.our first two weeks there were great.but then my sister,who has her own issues,started hiding food,creamer,and sugar from us and we bought it. We got in an argument and my sister and Mom over heard,got involved and it’s been going on back end forth since.my mother called last night and basically told me as long as I was with him not to call that she was done.my husband texted her calling her name’s.im so torn and hurt I don’t know what to do with these feelings
My in laws are chinese and I am indian. My in laws have disowned my husband in through their will, took lot a money from my husband, and disrespected me when I visited them. His mother in law is a pain who acts crazy and she has a strong personality. They are racist and that is the reason they hate me. Sometimes I feel they want me dead so they can get their son back. I am also afraid that one day my husband will leave me for his parents. They call my hustand at work in my absence. This is my life. I knew this before marriage, I continued the relationship. I pay for it.
I have been with my husband for 26 years, married 23. My parents in law still mourn the fact that my husband left his first wife. I will never be accepted. I makes me sad as lost my parents a long time ago. I think they are nice people but they just can’t accept me as a second best/second wife.
uhh that breaks my heart for you.
This happen’s to me and our family. My husband’s parent’s have never liked or approved of me. They said we were too young to get married and that was that! His father has since passed away. But, here I am 42 year’s married to their son with three grown beautiful children. Still not accepting of me and our family. This has hurt me more than I can say. I have watched her with her other daughter-in-law’s and she treat’s them like her own daughter’s. It’s extremely hurtful to see her ignore our children and their children. But, yet she treat’s her other son’s stepchildren as if they are her only grandchildren. I am now 62 and this woman still make’s me feel bad and I cry.
Not to make little of your situation, but it seems YOU have the upper hand especially since you have been married to your husband for SO many years. I would’ve since become indifferent (which is what I did about 5 years into my marriage and now married 17.5 years) and focus on maintaining and leveling up myself and my family. It just becomes too much power and control that you gave or continue to give to someone that can not and does not dictate how you run YOUR home, family and life. As a matter of fact, I would’ve used my energy towards doing ALL the things that a wife can do to make her husband feel like he doesn’t have to go anywhere, and the children feel like they have the best mother on earth while living my best life. She is A SMALL fraction of your life…doesn’t matter that she is MIL because YOU are the QUEEN at YOUR address and you have the power to place yourself in a different space. I am cordial to my in-laws BUT INDIFFERENT for the very reasons that I’ve noted…and I tell you it’s easier that way because if you spend time mourning over what she is doing and what she is not doing and bending over backwards to please her, you will forever be disappointed because they will continue to find fault with you and you will continue to lose their respect (like my SIL’s husband has come to realize and FINALLY stood up for himself and STOPPED trying to make them “like” him). Travel the world or at least the nation, find a hobby, be the best MIL to your future son/daughter-in-law that you would’ve wanted and seriously…forget about her/them. I only got my respect from my in-laws when I chose to do my own thing during holidays and laid low in my own space. It doesn’t bother me if they don’t like whatever I CHOOSE to do with MY life and with MY husband because I can do for their son, MY HUSBAND, what they can’t so their input or feelings are frankly irrelevant…this is me at 43 years of age, 17.5 years of marriage compared to the 25 year old newly wed, less than five years in…just a thought.
His mom has turned most of the family against me. These family members ignore me now, but their relationships with him and wiry my own kids haven’t changed. I’m the only one being hurt by his evil mother, but he can’t seem to see it. I’ve told him that his cousins have blocked me just like his parents and sister did; but he’s so desparate for a bond with them that he ignores how much they alienate me.
Well…it sucks that he is blind towards their behavior because he wants to form a bond with them. I say MAINTAIN YOURSELF as you were before he married you, always improve and enhance yourself financially and how you carry yourself, talk to him respectfully about your concerns without sounding like you’re nagging (not that you are but you have to come across like it’s puzzling to you considering he has such a “bond” with them and they respect him…get him thinking deeper but honestly, you’ll have to let it go or it becomes nagging), and continue to channel your energy and thoughts towards YOUR life and household because at least at your home, YOU are in charge. Don’t waste too much time about this issue to him because if he chooses to communicate with them (after all, they ARE his EXTENDED family), let him and just give him space in that regards…trust me…you’ll rather appreciate the distance between your in-laws…you wouldn’t want those types of individuals, particularly your in-laws to be too close to you anyway. Just remain cordial when you do see them…JUST CORDIAL…no bending over backwards and that’s it. As long as your husband is being responsible in providing for your household, and he’s still coming home to you, THAT’S the most important not their feelings or thoughts about you…let them think what they like..don’t even make it your business anymore. You have bigger things to focus on and fulfill.
I’m on my second marriage and my in laws just won’t accept my daughter and grandchildren. I’ve been with my husband 9 years and not once have they ever sent a birthday or Christmas card. I’m heartbroken and feel I want to end my marriage
I feel the exact pain. We aren’t included in anything aside from the major holidays. That is probably just to save face because it’s the obligatory invite. My husband parents, sisters and sisters husbands have no relationships with us. When we are around them they only talk about themselves, talk over us and overall don’t care to know us/listen. My husbands parents and their daughters are very very close. I know they all talk close to daily and hang out constantly. We are always the odd ones out. My husbands sister hated me for years. My husband basically gave up on everyone. When we are around them it’s surface level at best because we are tired of trying. I’ve told my mother in law a few times how hurtful it is to feel left out. She’s full of excuses and says what we feel isn’t true. Nothing ever changes. It’s beyond obvious they don’t care and don’t notice we are the only ones excluded. It’s very very painful. We all live in the same tiny town. So we are well aware how we are consistently excluded and the only ones without emotional connections. It’s also odd to me just how careless my husbands own parents are to anything that happens in our lives. Our backyard practically touches our inlaws backyard and they make no effort to know us. And to add – in front of others or if other people are around they act as if they know us so well. So pretend I guess. When in reality they have no communication or emotional connection to us, make no plans to see us, and are ok with us being left out of everything.
You just described my life to a T. Even after two kids things didn’t improve. What I hate the most is the pretending in front of other people… like if they help or care about us a lot, when in reality they don’t give a sh*t.
I wish I could give you advice, but I am lost myself. I also don’t have my parents and brother (deceased), and I am living in their country (Japan).
I never had any emotional support of any kind, since I arrived here.
Wow your situation sounds very similar to mine—or what it was for years. My husband and I started dating when I was very young and I met him through my college roommate (his sister). The family has never liked nor accepted me. My in-laws are polite (MIL and FIL) it’s the siblings and their spouses who treat me and increasingly my husband horribly. For the longest time I was tolerated for my husband’s sake, but my husband grew alienated the more he tried to stand up for me.
My husband went to work for his brother after law school 20 years ago. I wanted to stay in NYC where he was offered a huge job, but agreed to move back to CA to be closer to family. His brother recently made two younger associates his partner, without telling my husband about it, forcing my husband out of the firm. He then lied to the family about it, saying he told my husband “a year ago”, which would have meant my husband was “pretending to be shocked”, which is ludicrous (if he’d known a year ago he’d have been starting his own firm a year ago, instead of within a month, with a kid headed to college, throwing our health insurance into chaos, etc.)
I come from a dysfunctional family so his family uses that a lot to explain my “inability to get along with people”. My in laws have asked for available dates for functions then planned things on the dates we can’t come. Then my husband’s parents would blame us (me) for missing “important family functions”. One of their kids is a serious alcoholic, and in the middle of his 5 year separation divorce somehow I was the one everyone turned on for suggesting CPS might get involved (they ultimately were, when their kid told a teacher her dad drove her around while drunk. Didn’t tell the mom, mind you.) my MIL made a nasty comment about how I’d be happy to hear that I’d been right.
My husband is livid at his family because of all this past stuff but especially because of the way they ignore what his brother did to him and lied about it. They all “don’t want to get involved,” and the MIL says the two need to “work out their differences “. We were expected to pretend like nothing happened! With our entire lives thrown into chaos. Last week my SIL told me she was taking her mom down to SF and di my kids want to come? Didn’t invite me or my husband) . I found out later the whole family was going down and she wasn’t going to tell us. My daughter was working over break anyway, but didn’t want to go and neither did Tommy. My daughter was crying when this job thing was going on thinking she might have to quit school if her father couldn’t get enough work right away! And they want her to go on some outing with people who want to pretend this didn’t happen?
Somehow I’m the one my SIL is mad at. I’m the one she defriended on FB. Not her own brother, who was livid and texted her to “just leave us alone” and “why on earth would she think our kids would want to spend the day with the guy that did this to our lives?”
It’s truly unbelievable . I sometimes can’t help but think I’m the crazy one. It makes me want out of an otherwise stable and happy 37 year relationship.
There’s also a LOT of jealousy: my husband and I are self-made; we’ve always paid our own bills and never had handouts from parents. Our kids do very well in school. Despite being the “dysfunctional” couple we’ve done well, are still together, are best friends onTop of that. We had a courthouse wedding and lived together for years and were engaged for ten years before that—everyone else just lied about having premarital sex and had huge expensive weddings.
I’m at the point where, once Tommy is done with college, I want to move. Maybe back to NYC. I know once my MIL dies we will have nothing to do with these people. I feel like the distance will help tremendously.
Isn’t it interesting to find out that the family you grew up in that you once thought was dysfunctional, wasn’t nearly as dysfunctional, as the family you married into??
My ex-husband’s family were what I call, “Fabulous Fakes”… To the general public, and to me, before we married. They pretended to be superior to others, but it turned out, that my family of origin, was way better off mentally, than any of them were.
My family was pretty honest about past difficulties, and we’re all down to earth, everyday folk and don’t put on any “airs”, pretending to be someone we’re not.
After years of hell on earth trying to have a strong, honest and loving relationship with the Fabolous Fakes, I realized I had fallen for their act. It was just an act, but they were very good at it! And why wouldn’t they be?, they’ve been practicing since childhood! People who are Fabulous Fakes, are nothing more than Wanna-Be’s. You know, wanna-be superior, wanna be thought of as important, wanna be catered to, envied, etc, etc. When they hear about someone else’s family going through a crisis, they first express fake concern, but then they jump all over it like wolves gnashing teeth, gossiping and criticizing that fsmily, and then their comparisons begin, “that would never happen to us”, Yada, Yada, Yada.
Truth is, their family closet is so overloaded with secrets and skeletons, that the weight of the bones broke off their closet door’s hinges, long ago. But you don’t know this, until you marry into a Fabulous Fakes family. We all have skeletons, but they deny they do. It amazed me to discover that in comparison to my husband’s family, my “dysfunctional” family is now and was even then, far more mentally healthy!
Its the 2nd year of my marriage and my in-laws hv not accepted me till now. My husband got married before his elder brother and that time nobody was having any issues but somewhere inside they were doin conspiracy against me that what i feel. Everyone was talking to me but cos of some purpose and they hide some facts as well. Earlier i used to think this family is beautiful, even now wen family dont like to be with each other they like and love each other so much. When my husband’s elder brother decided to get married they told my husband that i can’t be the part of their wedding cos they haven’t told anything abt our wedding to his in laws( in india ppl think if the younger one get married first, then the elder one is wrong) with a heavy heart i told my husband to go and attend the wedding , even he was hurt . Not even 6months passed of our marriage and this was happening. I was depress and one the daily basis fights started b/w my husband and me, and younger brother in law used to see everything infront of him abd he did not participate to stop anything. Finally the called me to their home town for the first time and their i found that my husband’s sister in law was that their , she was not told abt our weddind still and she was send to her hometown that time so that things don’t get relieved. My elder sis in law ( husband’s sister) she the main master mind , i the whole scenario nobody called or console me and after that also i went to their hometown so that the things get better but i was wrong. In December they expected a baby also they did not told us anything , here they made the second mistake , everyone knows that my husband’s elder brother is having a baby now but we were only the one who never knew abt this. On the same day of my husband’s bday the baby was born , thou they called us then but my husband did not receive the call . Even my husband maintain the distance cos of their behavior with me. But m deeply hurt how people can be so mean with your own family… i know my husband did marry early cos my his brother was not getting married he was 45 and my husband was 34 that time. He was working in a metro city , living alone and so many years he tried hard so that his elder brother decided to get married , but my eldest sis in law( husband’s sister) she never wanted my brother in law to get married cos i feel in that way her authority will be taken from her thats why every time a gal proposal used to come for my husband’s brother she used to reject that gal for stupid reason , cos her and her husband purpose was that heir children should study in their hometown and my husband’s elder brother should spend money on them, if he will get married may be their authority will be taken. I have a question my husband married me was it my mistaje that his brother did not decided to get married first. Are they taking revenge from me. They hv made my life hell. I mean i was always a chirpy gal but now i cry for silly things, i feel attached abd detached with my husband’s family at the same time.i don’t want to sound cruel but wen i get angry i say lot of things to my husband abt his family. This is not wat i wanted.
Enjoy yourself too. Get friends who are also lonely and create get together to celebrate each other achievements including your sons. This is the best way you can do offload loneliness and hear interesting new stories from grateful people whom you have found solutions for their loneliness which you also suffered. and DO NOT post it on your Facebook accounts.
This way you enjoy yourself secretly. You keep it in your heart. Allow your in-laws to hear it from third parties.
Let them do detective work.
When they talk just say you are a philanthropist to the lovely.
Ensure you make the get together fun and lively.
I’m in so much pain over this right now it has driven me to suicidal ideation.
Cora – We are so sorry to hear this and our hearts go out to you during this difficult season. It’s important that you seek immediate professional counseling, and please call 911 if you are in any kind of crisis. Here is a link to seek a counselor in your area:https://ccn.thedirectorywidget.com/. You are in our prayers. – The SYMBIS Team
Don’t believe those lies the devil is trying to tell you. That something is wrong with you or that you aren’t worthy!! You lack self-worth!! Girl get up and wash your face and remember you are daughter of the most high King! Prayers for you!! 💗🙏🏼
A blessing they don’t. Honestly! Do you really want to eat their poisoned food, listen to their hurtful comments, mean looks? Count your blessings!
I have been married for 30 years. In laws hated me from day one. I did everything to fit in and be accepted. My parents passed away when I was young. So I had no family. They used that as a weapon. I really never fit in. Was reminded I was not family often. 2 years ago I finally stood up for myself. I was regularly snapped at treated rudely screamed at and just treated badly. Well that was unforgivable and all out war ensued. It’s better to not be invited to holidays then be invited forced to go treated like crap. The one brother has a new girlfriend that of course they love. After one event mil rubbed in my face how much she adored the girlfriend it is too painful to go over. Fil won’t look at me. I have apologized I tried everything to make amends. There is more to the story. Husband and I are in therapy. It’s painful it hurts badly. The best thing you can do is focus on your family. Therapy helps. Best wishes
My in-laws did all that they could to ruin my wedding to my husband. They made up lies to not go to the wedding and told him two days before the wedding that they were not going to do the traditional wedding ceremony for us after they promised. Nobody showed up for him on the groom’s side and he was left to do everything himself. Everybody on my side of the family and my friends helped him to prepare. He has decided to cut them all off from his life. Now, after all of his family members are going through personal tragedies, they want to reconnect with us. He has not welcomed any of his family back in our lives. I, honestly, can care less about them and do not want to be involved with them at all. If your spouse sees how their family treats you, and does NOTHING to protect you from them, do not walk away….RUN AWAY! If he did not see the insanity which is his family, I would not have married him at all. We were together for over 12 years at the time of our wedding so I frankly have no patience left for them. I hope they enjoy every bit of karma that comes their way.
I hate my in laws they are very toxic I’m grown I get treated like a child they were nice at first but now it’s alot worse my soon to be ex husband is in jail his dad called my mom because I spent my husband check for food but not all of it it’s still part of mone I used it to order food I’m homeless I have no help or support I didn’t know what to do I did the best I could but all of them are very selfish I wish they were dead
My mother in law has a problem with me because I’m not traditional enough. That I don’t cook and I left to live with my husband soon after marriage. In India, it is quite common for a married couple to live with the guy’s parents. But she was too toxic in the month we lived there. Screaming and crying because I didn’t know how to cook and clean and I was too awkward to make conversation.
She expects me to cook, clean and do my office job(which stretches on for 10-12 hours per day). And look after my husband and look after them too.
She’s also not happy with me because I’m not sure about having children.
I just wish I had never gotten married because I feel like shit and good for nothing. I recently tried reconnecting with her and was rejected again. The first time it happened it took me months to come out of the funk. I don’t know what to do.
The worst part is my husband doesnt defend me enough and it hurts so much I just want to be wiped from existence. I have problems with depression and anxiety and this adds to it.
Don’t expose your children to this narcissist. Be glad you do not have him under your roof, yet. Smile, be polite, but nothing more. He does not deserve to know your children, if he cannot treat them, nor you, with loving words and respect. Enjoy the peace and quiet, without a narcissist ruining your family’s lives.
This is great advice! I come from a very welcoming family. My husband’s family are very judgemental and cold to me. Over time, I have gone out of my way to stick it to them whenever I can. A part of me does not want to become as nasty and bitter as they are though. Trying to stay in that detached space can be tough but I have to continually stop my thoughts from being angry toward the situation. They are just very unwelcoming people in general. They also are used to calling the shots and that does not fly with me. I know 20 years from now there will still be the coldness and hostility from these people. At least my husband got lucky and has a saint for a mother in law!
Wow…you and I are living in the same exact situation! It honestly gets so old how childish and disrespectful they are. It’s hard to deal with (in the sense that it hurts me) everyone always tells me that they can’t hurt me if I don’t let them— EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!
Have any advice for me??
over time I have just stopped caring if they liked me or not. But it took some time to get to that place where you say to heck with these people. Only people who are supportive and kind deserve your utmost attention. After a while of being friendly and trying to do the right thing over and over- and then being met with nastiness, you say, ok fine. Let them do their nasty thing and I am going to live my life and focus on the good people who care. The biggest piece of advice is to focus on the good people more. It is easy to waste time wondering about those that don’t like us. It is also futile and it will never change. Apathy is a good thing when it comes to nasty in laws!
Your answer is very assertive for my situation. I’m going to take your advice and you are right when you said only people who are supportive and kind deserve your utmost attention.
I got a gut feeling that I have to stay away from my inlaws for my own sanity, but I don’t know if my marriage will survive.
Thanks
Hello my dear am Rehemah from Uganda I also feel so attouched to ur story I also pass in the same situation like you,but my advice is leave your own like my dear those people won’t like you even if you try more and more.that’s there nature and attitude that’s how they were brought up u won’t be the one to change them leave ur own life and dont worry our marriage will survive as long as our husband loves you thax
Gosh, you are spot on with this advice!!!!!
But what about my husband who still is involved with them and my kids … it’s impossible. I felt so blessed to have my husband and our family but after 20 years my in laws have flat out told me they hate me. How does my husband still laugh with them, visit with them, chat on the phone … as if I don’t exist. Is there any decision for me but divorce? I can’t bear to see them … they’ve ripped my soul out. So upset, feeling so distant from my husband. I would have cut my parents out if they ever told him they hated him. Period. I love my husband less. That’s the fact of the matter.
Hi, your husband is in denial and has been groomed by them from an early age to be mindlessly compliant. Be assertive and stand your ground, but dont be needy. I told my husband that I know who his parents are behind his back and he is welcome to his fake relationship with them. Dont give any more energy to the situation, it is so soo hard, but be calm and assertive and reasoned, and be defiant about your version of events and your feelings, dont allow them to be invalidated. Over time your children and husband will see how reasonable you are, your husband may eventually regret not standing up for you, in time your children might even deem him a coward for it. I would encourage marriage counselling, it helped my marriage and made my husband see that his parents behaviour was not appropriate. I’ll be honest his inability at the time to stand up for me changed my view of him sbut he has made it clear to them that I am his wife and he supports me. Things are better now but it took alot of work, anger and pain. I have no relationship currently with my inlaws at all but I hope for our sons sake, all goes well for the furture. Im not having a second child by the way, I couldnt go through the bullying I experienced from parents in law and sister in law after giving birth, i nearly had a break down, I also feel like I can protect one child from their toxicity easier than two, none of its ideal, and my son might resent me for not having siblings but Im doing what I have to, to protect him, my marriage, and my sanity. I have the right to not be bullied, its a pretty basic request! I wonder what i would have done if I had known for sure what I was marrying into….? Its a very sad question for me to be asking.
Can a marriage survive when you don’t ever want to be around your spouse’s family? My husband’s adult son has disrespected me so many times that now he is not welcome in my home. My husband refuses to stand up to him. My husband only wants peace but will not stand up for me.
I feel your frustrations my husband ignores all my mother in law’ s nasty puns and rude silence after I speak so I just smile and give my husband a big hug and go smoke lol . Don’t let your in-laws put you against your husband it’s there problem the more you take it out on him your giving them what they want . To wedge between you two just be loving and kind act as if there opinion doesn’t matter that they don’t matter because they really don’t and trust me it is way more satisfying like a silent middle finger lol.
Well said!!
INDEED…My thoughts exactly. I am cordial when I see my in-laws but frankly I have since grown indifferent by the time I reached the five year mark of my marriage to the point that not every holiday was spent with/at the in-laws and this was the beginning of how I began to earn my respect. By then I was 30 and just had my second baby so I was already in a space where really, nothing or no one outside my household mattered. This is 17.5 years of marriage now. I focused on and continue to focus on being queen at my own address which they are welcome to come and visit but I’m not forcing anyone’s hand. I also give them space to talk to their son, my husband, when we are visiting any one of their houses. Sure, they “liked” me or should I say even “loved” me for their son (though I can’t say the same for the eldest SIL who seemed cold from the time I began dating my husband but now she tends to put on different faces) before we got married but people and dynamics shifted once they realized that their son was no longer fully available to cater to their whims and needs all the time if at all when he became a husband and father. Also, yes…I’m familiar with the exclusivity too. BUT I’ve since come to embrace it because I now appreciate the distance more considering I wouldn’t want to be too close to people who can be judgmental, manipulative by playing on emotions (husband) or showing false flattery (me) in order to do things or take advantage of situations that only suit their purpose, like when they wanted to move in with us, after burning the bridge at their daughter (eldest SIL’s) and her husband’s house because of the tension and friction they caused due to the lack of respect they have for her husband. My husband asked (after feeling all emotional and things…a pro and con mind you) and I said NO. Also, we are not always readily available to answer their calls or fulfill requests for their advancement or upkeep, while later, they forget how they got to the better position the moment they succeed or the moment you can’t accommodate their needs. Thus, I have learned to be selfish too when it comes to in-laws…plain and simple, because contrary to popular interpretation, being selfish is not always a bad thing, and one must always do what’s in his/her best interest first as oppose to utilizing energy towards others and spreading yourself thin to where your household lacks. So YES…attention and focus is only placed on me and my immediate family being my husband and kids…I can’t nor due I choose to spread energy towards their thoughts about me OR my husband’s choice to NOT accommodate their needs…he has his OWN family to tend to.
Don’t let them see you upset. Smile and be happy when you are around them. Give them compliments. As if nothing they do can intimidate you! People hate to see other people happy. If you don’t get upset you will win! And you will see good things come into your life from being the better person!
SAME. Very me va them divided attitude since the beginning. We started out long distance and I went from MI to NJ to meet his family. His sister who is my my age barely acknowledged me, argued with the father her was caring for her 5 year old and left after eating. I had never witnessed anything more disrespectful and selfish and no one even batted an eyelash. All while the 5 year old is taking it in….i have found that the mother treats her daughter like a friend while the father cares for the grandchild almost 24/7. Their marriage is loveless and it is a manipulated codependent situation. Since then he has moved here with me his sibling has said things like he “abandoned his family” and speaks on behalf of “the family”. He moved here for a domestic relationship with me AND a higher paying job, ability to buy a home, etc. It’s taken a year and a half for me to understand all this and came with lots of pain and frustration for both of us. On one instance they wanted to come for a specific weekend that wasn’t good for us. We suggested another weekend and to maybe NOT bring the 5 year old granddaughter (let her stay home wth her mom and Dad) again so we can do adult things (I have never been around them with out the 5ywar old present) and there were heavy emotions. His mother acted cold rude and upset that we could request such conditions. How could you not want to see your niece? Etc. And they refused to come at all. Now they all claim they were never “invited” – the passive aggressiveness is to the point where his mother sent me a bday card with their names, her 30 yr old daughter (who still doesn’t acknowledge I exist) and baby daddy (who I’ve never met) and the 5 year old grand daughter. Hadn’t heard from them in 9 mo or so and I sent her a thank you tex telling her it was generous and unexpected.. She didn’t reply. My fiancé ended up asking why she didn’t and her response was ” I do not understand what I’m supposed to say to thank you” …. I was speechless. Very unempowering womanly vibes… trying by to be above it and not stoop but it’s infuriating and still pretty new to me. Just trying to keep to perspective that they are miserable and I don’t have to be too.
I’m in this situation. It hurts so much I have skipped 9 Christmases and will likely not attend funerals.
My spouse is terminally ill, and they don’t support me in any way. I will not have a funeral they are invited to.
This is one reason whey people move out of state – to get away from toxic families.
Amen to that Gail!!..If it can make your life more peaceful with less misery, then why not move!..my mother always told me how mean my grandmother was to her and that her life only got better when they moved out of state (from Texas to MN due to my fathers promotion)..She does not believe their marriage would have survived otherwise. They have now been married for 43 years. Anyways, Life is too short to be fake, play games and being treated horribly!..Move to an inconvenient place far away that noone cares to visit, or a small home where they would need to get a hotel. If they want to visit, they will have to be on your terms and be nice. That is, if hey even care to visit. If you have tried to be nice, then its possibly time to live in peace away from the toxicity. I believe in an earlier post that people hate to see other people happy possibly due to their own issues!…maybe pray for them and move on. You cant make people respect you and can only control yourself!….I can relate to it all and it is a work in progress following my own advice!..peace everyone.
That is so true! My elderly mil moved in with us. We are her slaves. What a joke! My son, wife grand child moved to the east coast, my 2 brothers left the state ect. Too much, too soon, too many. We don’t live w/ them, we have to live around them. Others do not help they come up w/ stupid excuses to get them off the hook. It isn’t They Want To Help, They feel like They Have To Help. When I ask for help, they think I am complaining.WHAT?
If I could get into a time machine and give me advice 18 yrs ago (the 22yr old me) I’d tell myself to not force myself on my inlaws. To not go around them or even meet them until they apologize to their son for rejecting me. They refused to meet me before we were married and didn’t try to meet until after I was pregnant with their grandchild. All bc I had a kid from previous marriage. They were actually upset because I didn’t invite them into my labor room. Let’s see.. I’m giving birth looking like crap. Iv had to hear how beautiful and wonderful my sister in law’s friends & everyone else is. But I wasn’t good enough. I did not need that.
If I had stayed away for the first 2 yrs instead of trying too hard, we might have a relationship. Now as it is I’ve not seen them in almost 8yrs and I will never agree to see them again. I’d rather divorce than to be forced around them. They ruined my self esteem. When people use god to reject you… you feel spiritually broken. My inlaws are considered to be the best kind of people but they only tolerated me. They didn’t apologize to me for being wrong. They tried to apologize 2 yrs after my marriage (after their grandson was born) The apology wasn’t because they were wrong… the apology was because my feelings was hurt. They still felt they were in the right to reject our marriage. I will admit after 2 yrs of being made to feel like I’m their sons shame I gave it back. I acted shameful at times. I thought this wasn’t me. I was very forgiving of my ex mother inlaw, I see now it’s because she didn’t treat me any worse than everyone else. My ex mother in law had bipolar MAJORLY!!! But like I said she treated me the same and didn’t show favoritism. My hatred for my inlaws didn’t leave until a few yrs ago. Now I pray for them afar. Lol I cannot honor these people and see them.
I’d had to watch them brag & do for my sister in law and her husband, while knowing I was just tolerated. You would have thought I had given their son AIDS the way they talked to others about us being married. My sister in law is a big jerk about it. She acted like my husband’s ex wife not his sister. She actually cried like he had died when he married me. I’ve never had sister problems in the past.
My daughter was adopted by my husband but again, they only tolerated my daughter. My daughter has a lot of self esteem she didn’t let them get to her. She’s loved abundantly by my parents. She’s the pick everyone else. My son was their everything until my sister in law had a child. After another grandchild came along my son felt the favoritism that the (me, husband & daughter) three of us had felt. At 12yrs old my son said he never wanted to see them again. He did not hate them but he feared that he’d have a deep seed of hate that his father had for them. My husband doesn’t even like it when people mention their names. My husband went years watching his sister get his parents acceptance, while they crushed his spirits. Me and my husband actually make better money and we are devout Christians! My sister in law loves that she has them all to herself, but she’ll regret it when they get older. My whole point of writing this to you is… if someone wants to reject you.. ignore you… give you looks of condemnation but not talk to you… leave! Don’t come back until they have fixed themselves. I’d hate to see others unhappy and sometimes it is good to break away. Be missed before you end up wondering if you could have fixed the situation.
But what about your husband???? Does he go on with his family without you??
This is so reminiscent of my life. I could have written this myself. So sad that people can be so evil. My inlaws wont even speak to my children. And my newest who is 18 months they have seen once by default at a funeral. They live about 20 minutes away.
My in laws did not approve of me a second wife 14 years my husbands junior.
They did not bother to get to know me and told me when they passed I would get nothing.
My husband did not stick up for me however he continued to visit his parents after we were married and also after our first son.
We have now been together 38 years my husband regrets not saying anything to his parents.
I have been married to my Husband for two years . His parents mainly his mother has judged me from the beginning . My own family is kind of a mess . My mom struggled with heroin addiction most of my life an was very abusive to the point she allowed her brother to sexually abuse my sister and I resulting in him getting a lengthy prison sentence it tore what was left of my entire family apart . My family an I no longer talk I have been estranged from them since 2011 . I was on my own an met an older guy I was very young for my age 18-19 but more immature then most . I had to do things that I thought was love an he eventually persuaded me to become a exotic dancer it turned into a very abusive cycle lasted almost five years before eventually homeland security became involved an I moved to a shelter . After about six months I had met my husband we got married without really knowing each other but we were in love an when you know you know . He has struggled with his own addiction issues an has been very dependent on his parents . They bought him cars , given him money , paid his rent an he has lived in very nice places such as San Francisco, Marin County California etc. first off they didn’t wanna meet me an when they did they judged the fact I use to dance calling me a whore , his mother said I had to many problems for her son , they called me trash . Plus she would do things to make me jealous just to get a rise out of me talking about his ex girlfriends or his life before I was around . This has been going on for two years an now she’s put the rest of the family against me . Keep in mind she use to get my husband drugs, allow him to hang around people who did drugs, use to go to his drug dealers house with him as well. I’ve neber done any of that . She has said “God forbid I have a child.” , her an her sister have said they wanna find my ex pimp which if they did that I could be in a ton of danger . They went as far as searching his name. They tell my husband to divorce me. My husband rarely sticks up for me. When I got a sum of money due to my uncles abuse I tried to take care of my husband so he wouldn’t talk to them I thought we could save the money an we will be finally free of them . They help a little financially . But instead my husband went through all the money spent it on clothes for himself He has a clothing business he buys clothing an then sells it for a higher price consignment . He hasn’t sold anything an in less then a year every penny is gone . Now he acts as if I don’t matter an all the things I bought him including $5,000 pair of sneakers , Louis Vuitton, Gucci , supreme , bape , a pure Bred Boston Terrier , a tattoo from downtown Manhattan any many more other things . Now that I’m not good enough an I have no money my husband doesn’t take my side even less then before . This past year I have had his back with everything including the very same mother who treats me badly he found out she has been cheating on his father. I just got into another fight with his mom after she treated me like shit yet another day blaming me for everything per usual I retaliated back by emailing her the screenshots of how she cheated on her husband her son has done that an it’s okay for him but not for me. She called me a bunch of names an told my husband to leave me . We were suppose to go there for ten days an now we aren’t . My husband was suppose to get gifts an money an he acts like that’s more important then me. He blames me for not going . His mother said I don’t know what a family is , or how to be in one, she also says I don’t wanna be in the family. But that’s not true I have tried really hard an spent nights crying about it . I have done so many nice things an when my husband first found out she cheated an wanted to tell his dad I stopped it . Now it’s December 20th nighttime an my husband has slept all day refuses to talk to me I try to say we can make Xmas fun just you an I . I have bought him 3500 dollars worth of gifts an he doesn’t seem to care about that he doesn’t even wanna get a hotel . I feel like I give an give an all he cares about is money instead of seeing my part . He screamed st me this morning while he was on the phone with her . I don’t know what to do I have spent so much money an time trying to be there for him. He tells me he is sober for me. But when it comes to money he acts like I don’t exist , his parents have plenty of money I don’t what do I do ?
Leave him, you are not being respected, you are being used and that’s not love. You deserve love and respect in your life.
I too am in the same situation. I have four beautiful kids and inlaws who once adored me. My sister in laws manipulation and sick minds together with our mother in law injected hate and jealousy with their husbands towards me. When we had family get togethers sister in laws acted sad. My children would say, mum if your not there aunties laugh and have fun. I wasn’t aware of this. I guess I was the only wife in that greek family who did not have a hairy back or face…
I knew how to host amazing dinners…with no help. Yep cooked 5 meal course. Sister in laws would often say you know you dont have to do dinners!!!This was a Christmas dinner I did once a year lol.
I also completed a bachelor degree and never lost my self to their bitterness. Now they both look misrable they still talk behind my back but I dont care. I have let go of wanting to be part of that crazy family…seriously why would I lower myself. Both sister in laws have lunch with our mother in law. I say well done girls you will bring up your kids well. Plus, having wealthy in laws makes it more fun…lets throw away one extra expense (me). That’s right!! My sister in laws plan. Especially the eldest who constantly played her role well. She even started to look like our mother in law. Our father in law has handed her the gold Visa on many occasions. Oh boy does she smile!!
I teach my children intergrety and respect. I still send my children to see their grandparents. And where does my husband fit in all of this… well he’s a mummy’s boy. He does what they say. And they live next door. Yes my eldest sister in law got so upset when the inlaws moved next door. She felt threatened I would get the inheritance. I say have it all. I believe that they believed the vacant block was going to be theres. But inlaws built. So, since then my sister in law made it her duty to manipulate and make me look like a horrible person. She made up lies…to the point my inlaws no longer talk to me. When I was studying my inlaws were happy. My father inlaw was discussing how happy he was…then my eldest sister in law got up and told her husband I’m going to throw up and they left. The next day my husband told me ‘never talk about your degree with my father again’. I was told by my mother in law, that I needed to dress up like my eldest sister inlaw and not to dress up my kids so well! I know i can write a book. I believed at first it was my mother in law and father in law who were crazy….but the horrible truth is it was my eldest sister in law. Sick mind. She had also told our mother in law I should go on medication. She’s very cunning. Shed say my emotions were all over the place. I was always happy. Plus one of her parents is diagnosed with bipolar and other family members with mental illnesses. With the help of this sister in law
the in laws have disonwed me…i say , hell no I have escaped and at peace!! Upwards and onwards….
My husband and I just got married few months ago and we never had his parents blessing. I’ve been called names by his parents. They’re accusing me that I’m just going to use their son for a greencard. We are all the same nationality but they are US Citizens. My husband and I known each other for more than 5 years. It hurts a lot every time I think about how humiliated I felt when we were asking for their blessing. I love my husband so much and I feel sorry for him because he’s not talking to his parents even if I asked him a lot of times to still communicate with them. His parents never gave me a chance to get to know me. And I swear that I will never forgive them.
the best thing is that your husband is taking your side! thats very important. the rest does not matter.
I’m in a long term relationship with a man that has a sister and a adult daughter both dislike me even before they met me as sister is on her own and wants her brother to control the daughter is only worried about money and her every conversation is about money and what “ daddy “ is going to buy her which so far is land properties a new car every 3 years the next one being a Porsche ( she is 26 ) and she works 15 hours a week and complains how tired she is !!!!!!!! They have started to exclude me and he says nothing just does what they both want without any thought for me so I sit at home on my own like a mug he has stopped me working I’ve lost my friends as he didn’t like me seeing them I have nobody .
As long as he takes your side you’ll be okay. My husband does not stand up for me against them.
Its better for you to forgive them.Whenever you have the opportunity be kind to them.Do not repay evil with evil.This will further attract Hods blessings into your lives and marriage. Unforgiveness is cruel and nothing good can ever come from it.
This didn’t work for me my sisters in law and mother in law has been mean and cruel. I have allowed them to stay into my home only to.have them go back with the same.old.mean ways
I have similar situation too. My fiancé’s mother (refused to meet me)hates me because I have 4 children from my late hubby, she hates me so much that she even told his son to change the will if he marries me and she even said she knew someone who is single never been married and has business. I already done organising the wedding but I feel like my fiancé is confused. Now we are going to pre marriage counseling 4 weeks before the wedding.
My wedding is in 8 weeks and I’m so nervous. So many issues… how did it turn out for you?
I have been married for 18 years, I also wasn’t accepted right from the start. My MIL was uncooperative and nasty to me on my wedding day and bridal shower. She plans trips to take my husband on and excludes me from everything she can. The one trip out of state , she even invited a single girl to go with them. I found out and forbid my husband to go. If at a funeral or public function , she will introduce her son but not me.. It is like I do not exist in her mind. I had a very serious injury when my dog tripped me down the stairs. Broken bones, surgery , etc.. and at a funeral dinner , her family members were giving me attention over it. Her husband yelled out , that I was clumsy and the dog did not trip me in a harsh tone. I was so humiliated. She kept pictures of me in the basement. All other family was upstairs. Never a Happy Birthday wish in 18 years. For years I would struggle with not understanding what I did, why I didn’t measure up to her expectations. I work hard, am a good wife and mother. Then one day I happen to look at her Facebook page, and I seen years and years of me posting happy birthday, Mother’s Day, all sorts of well wishes.. never once an acknowledgement, a thank you. It took me seeing all of my efforts over the years to find the strength to call her and say I am done trying. I said everything I felt and have closed the door.
Wow! Good for you. I come back to this site because I find some comfort in knowing that other daughter in laws are going through this too. But it really is painful to be rejected by your in laws. I am only 6 years into my marriage but I know 20 or 30 years from now nothing will have changed. My husband knows things are bad but he does not have it in him to confront them. It is not like they would even care or admit to being wrong. So we only see his family occasionally. I do the bare minimum for holidays and birthdays.
I am in the same situation. My husband sees the wrong his family is doing, but doesnt want a confrontation. I find that its hard to just ignore & be civil. I try my best to do the bare minimum, but I must admit, im probably failing. We bought a condo, and in the process of renovating it, and I’m having anxiety thinking about having them visit our new home. Its our sanctuary, and I would rather no negative vibe come through the door, but it feels inevitable. 🙁 I have no idea how to ‘be ok’ with it.
Over time you will learn to save yourself from your in laws. Saving oneself means many things to different people. It makes no sense to put up with toxic relationships.
I WISH ONE DAY I CAN BE AS STRONG AS YOU! Thank you!
I’m also in the same boat. I actually moved to the USA to be with my hubby, which means I left my job, my very welcoming family, my friends, and everything I’ve known!
Now, I’m ostracized by his family instead of him being happily welcomed by mine. It makes me so homesick.
We walk in to his parents place and I’m always happy and positive, smiling and greeting them, but they only display happiness to see him by smiling and cheering/ shouting his name as if they hadn’t seen him in years, when he goes twice a week. Once alone, and on the weekends with me. So, they’ll cheer when he enters but they don’t acknowledge me until I say hi first and then they’ll say hi back. Hubby could care less how I feel. He’s very defensive about his family. Even though I’m his family too. My in laws don’t acknowledge me almost the entire time I’m there. I’m shy and have to really come out of my shell to start a conversation or ask if I can help in any way, but they shut me down fast and seem to have no interest in having me around. My BIL’s wife is the worst. She’s outspoken and always asking my hubby for help or talking to him and joking to him, and even though he is a quiet man who has no interest in talking to people, she chooses to put in an effort with him but never with me. Even though I’ve tried to become friends with her.
Im broken after this weekend. My mother in law sat in the kitchen with BIL’s wife the whole time we were there. When I walked in to say hi they stopped talking me just stared at me. I felt so awkward. I don’t know what more I can do. Honestly, they aren’t this bad when my BIL’s wife isn’t there. Do I really have to put myself through this rejection / ostracizm anymore? Or maybe it’s all in my head. Even though I’ve felt this way for 5 years and nothing’s changed. I feel so low when they don’t acknowledge me, like I don’t exist or matter. I takes me days to build myself up again.
What do you do when they don’t respect or accept you and yet, they demand or expect to have child care rights over your child without you being there to supervise? How do I get the message across that in order for me to teach my children that we deserve respect that they can choose to change their behavior to have a relationship with grandchildren? Husband doesn’t think any of it is wrong. They have convinced him that I’m the problem.
My other half’s sister I decided she didn’t like me before we met and is so Pathologically jealous of me she has blocked me on Facebook as she can’t best seeing me with her brother and organises dos that exclude me I’m very hurt and feel my partner enables this behaviour.
Dear Allie – I’m so sorry to hear this, your story is actually my story line for line. Every relationship I have ever been in this has been the outcome, the relationship I’m currently in I’m still dealing with this and my fiancee get an attitude when I tell him about his family. I’m so sick and tired of it and I feel that I am a decent person and do not deserve this. You do not either! I’ve been told when these experiences happen the with MIL, SIL, BIL’s wife, cousins, aunt’s that their is jealousy involved. That may be true but also I believe people like us – me and you- cares too much, if we we’re mean, hostile, and negative people like they are we would be included in a heartbeat! Lately I’ve been trying to just stand by my man but I don’t go visit all the time with him, just every now and then. Like weddings or cookouts and even those can be hard at times. I feel if we stand together in unity its harder to divide us. Good luck to you and I don’t know you personally but you remind me of myself, and I happen to think I’m a nice person so there you go!😉
omg this is exactly me too.
I’m so sorry to hear you went through this. It never feels good to try so hard to be partnofnsomething, especially a family unit. I can just imagine how hurt you must have felt to be excluded from special events or wishes. You sound like you are being the best person you can be, despite the ridicule and embarrassment you have encountered from his family. Its easier said then done to ignore in-laws. As humans we are meant to have feel a sense of belonging and a sense of community. Marriage is never easy and with interference of in laws it causes stress. Focusing on the relationship between your spouse is of up most importance.
That’s what I just did … after the same abuse for nearly 20 years. But what about holidays. Your husband? Your family … does he still visit and such? Mine does and I feel betrayed on such a severe level.
I know how that feels… my husband just met with his parents last week because his mom was on her way to the US to be with her eldest son’s family, and right after they saw each other he posted pictures with them on fb, and I felt bad about it, but I thought that was so wrong of me… but you’re right, it feels like being betrayed. I’ve been going through the same thing for almost 5 years… One time I decided to confront them because they wanted me to feed my daughter processed food which is not good for her because she has asthma, so I stay away from those… and I was calm, and I explained softly, but then my father-in-law sat beside my mother in law and 2 of them just started attacking me, and mil said I was just defiant of her, and all sorts of accusations. I woke my husband up so he caould explain my side to them, but he just ended up fighting with them, which I appreciated, but then a few minutes later he walked out, leaving me to fend for myself… i could do nothing but cry, and the worst part was that when my 3 year old daughter who loves them went near them and asked what was happening, mil just ignored her, like, pretended that she was not there, and my daughter had to ask the question 3 or 4 times before she finally got that she was being ignored, it just crushed my heart. now we live far from them, with my husband, but he still gets invited, and his parent still ask how he is, and send him pictures, and now mil says she misses my daughter and she wants to see her (but has blocked me on fb) and my husband just continues like nothing happened, and he send them pictures of my daughter, and for some reason it feels wrong.
I’m glad for you!!! I went through something similar! I knew my mother in law to be for years!
My fiancée and I decided to finally tie the knot and never got his parents blessing. She never even acknowledged my ring when I had it on. When my fiancée and I went out, she called him on the phone and yelled at him and said, “What are you doing?” “Playing house with Ariana?”!!
Then she called us another time and said to him,
“What are you doing?” Playing with Ariana? Is that sick or what?? Sounds like jealousy! I got real upset. She never accepted me since he and I met but we want to marry. She wants control over him too. Tries to make him feel guilty all the time. It’s just him and his brother in the family. It’s all about control there. I can’t stand it. I told him I’m never gong over his house ever again.
Because she says remarks out loud to him when I’m there! But, he is afraid to stick up for me! Not good. It’s all when I’m there. Also, she calls every day when we are alone. She’s been doing this for 17 years.
Well,
I am still in the circle of being hated by inlaws for no just reason.
It started with my sis in law and then she keepa trying to make every other person hate me too.
Telling lies and false stories about me.
Im married to a widower with 2kids …soy situatuon is worse…my husband is somewhat a mama’s boy (thats cos hes mama so manipulative and a sweet talker)
My family is pissed and want me to leave but im still here.
This sis in law even fought me few months back cos of the kidz.
I have a daughter and the hatred is beginning to show towards her as well.
I dont think she’ll even spend holiday with any of them…not even my mother in law.
My husband really doesnt see anything that happens…the few times i tell him after theres been an outburst,he’ll charge up and make decisions only for his mama to come sweet talk him again.
All this advice is good advice but it hasnt worked for me yet.
I try my best to find boundaries and respect them but ….
Now this sister in law tell my step kids alot of shit about me.
Like,
Im not their mother
My daughter aint their sister but step sister.
My mama aint their grandma but my daughter’s only.
They shud call her mommy .
She even call me by name when refering me to these kids.
These kids are just babies…6 and 7 years old.
I do my best
I love ’em kids
But everythiing i do seems wrong and misread.
Sometimes even my husband throws comments thats hurts when it comes to the kids.
Im thinking of leaving with my daughter and let ’em get someone they like for him to marry.
Im sick and tired
I dont look myself anymore…aint nothiing working for me.
Like im stuck.
I dont want to separate my child from her dad or sibling cos they love each other dearly.
But with all these,i see the future as hell.
And im done burning .
Whats yout advice?
Bearing in mind this is just one side to my misery.
Hi Anonymous,
Don’t give up. Even at a young age children know the difference between right and wrong ask them how the comments your sister in law tells them makes them feel. Be okay with whatever title people try to put on you. Prove them wrong by just being you. If you develop good bonds with all of the girls it won’t matter. Mu oldest daughter has a step mother who tells her children that my daughter is their step sister, etc. My daughter is so hurt by they she feels see won’t have a good relationship with her siblings. Well I just tell her someday you’ll will be grown. You be you and they can make a decision for themselves as they get older or when they are grown. If not, at least you have been a light in a dark situation.
from day 1 I was not accepted by my the in-laws and my husbands brothers and wife.14 years later 10 years married and 1 child still just drove past our house don’t visit just always “phones or send a WA” but that is it – the problem is my husband is trying his best to be in their good books wants to go visit them all the times ect – every time we speak about them their is always a fight – we never had their blessing as a couple or when our son was born they said is it was a girl they would be interested but because it is a boy the are not interested in him. This breaks me…………And my husband is all for them.Don’t know how to handle this anymore ?
After 18 years I finally had it out with my mother in law and she told me how she just hates me and she just wants to see the grandkids and her son … how lovely after trying to be a loving, supportive, fun and decent part of all of their lives. Hosting Xmas eves and never forgetting a birthday for a niece of nephew. Being with they’d family for 18 Christmases … all for her to say ” I never liked you and don’t care to ever see you again.” How exactly am I suppose to stay with my husband who is still in their lives … he sneaks calls to mommy and then she calls flaunting it. Truly sick people – I believe most women would divorce their parents or siblings before their spouse. The same is not true for men. I’m done with his family … but I’m beginning to see I’m don’t with him too. Teen boys I cherish more then life is why I’m still u see this roof. I gained 30 lbs last year from the drama and sel doubt. I’m just done … and sad because I love my husband but I can’t live like this.
I had all those problems too! And I believe that a toxic in law family is not worth my damn time! Especially if it makes me sick, heart broken, and hurt! Remember……….this is for the rest of your life your supposed to be with this family your marrying into. It’s not worth ruining my friggin health. I had to cut all ties after 17 years. I did nothing to my in laws at all. I got very very sick physically too over them. That’s when I called it quits sweetheart!!!!
Ariana, Do you feel there is anything that could have been done to save your marriage?..Would he not back you up or protect you?…just wondering if there is any hope because I love my husband but my in-laws are just horrible. His mother wont even meet me after two years of marriage. We have a history of dating for several years earlier and reconnected. Anyways, she didnt want him married and has been very outspoken about it!!…It makes me sick and feel horrible even though I have never done a thing to her. His sister acts like an ex-girlfiend, very jealous. Extremely bossy and rude. Anyways, what would you recommend?
Oh wow, there are so many women in similar situations regarding in-laws. I don’t want to share my story because it’s very similar to the ones I have read, however,I want to commend the strength displayed by everyone here. Whether you decide to make it work or decide to cut them off. Good for you, do you. I am a big believer that my happiness is not defined by any external factors, that includes my husband, but rather in myself. I chose to stay in my marriage and make things work with terrible in-laws because I married my soul mate and no amount of hate will make me change my heart about him. We are a blended family of seven.Four children are from three failed relationships and one is ours together. So you can imagine the baby mama drama I am dealing with. Adding the hate from all the in-laws is enough to make anyone feel like leaving. But I soldier on. I live with all the kids, it’s far more economical that way because the all the other parents are unemployed. I am at peace knowing that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your stories.
Very inspiring words! You said it best. I don’t want to let hate win either. I love my husband and we have a beautiful son. I have simply given up on my in laws though. Don’t know what else to do.
I have a boyfriend who’s parents absolutely hate me and will not accept me because my boyfriend and I had a child out of wedlock. We gave them their first grandchild. It should be a blessing and a very happy time in their lives. They never showed up to the hospital when she was born and did not see her until 4 Months after her birth. My boyfriends sister had a baby and it is the best thing that has ever happened to them. They put on socia media that they where blessed with the most beautiful granddaughter ever. They treat my daughter like she almost doesn’t even exist. I’m actually considering withholding my child from these people until we are accepted as a family. My boyfriend just recently proposed to me and we were not congratulated by his parents or sister.
I have been married 11 years and I’m not accepted by my in laws. I couldn’t think of a word for it, but reading the post, maybe they didn’t give me blessings even though some attended the wedding. His family accepts his baby mothers but not me and I do not know why. It hurts, and my husband knows that they are wrong. But he wants to go around and visit and wants me to go. I don’t want to go because I hurt from it.
I know it is hard, but understand it is not you. I am guessing you are probably a nice person who generally wants to get along with others. There are people in this world who thrive on negativity. There is probably nothing you can ever do to please these people so don’t go out of your way for them. In the beginning I tried and never a thank you or anything. Do the bare minimum. My advice is to continue to endure the occasional uncomfortable in law visit for the sake of your marriage. This is what I do at least. It is the bare minimum again. My husband would probably resent me if I was the reason he was cut off from his family. If I made him chose. That is what his family has done to him ultimately and he does not see them often (of his own choice). Just being a great wife and mother will win your husband over (hopefully). I am sorry you are dealing with this. It bothers me so much that I am not accepted either.
I have been married for 7 years and my in laws have showing dislike and hatred towards me all those years but my husbands dad and his wife have always been really nice to me, accepted me. My Mother in law, my husbands stepdad and my husbands half sister have a major grudge against me, I think they find me weird because of my social anxiety, i find it hard having conversations with them so they got in their head i don’t like them and my husbands stepdad said loudly in a restaurant to me at a family gathering ‘were horrible people aren’t we’. My mother and sister in law gave me frowning looks. My mum had a horrible message on my parents answerphone with a lady that sounded like someone from my husbands family saying ‘up your nose and my mum’s name on the message.’ My mum thinks it is someone from my husbands family that left that message. My family and i will keep being civil towards them no matter how mean they are towards me or my family even though they have made my anxiety really bad and now i hear negative thoughts/voices in my head so find it hard doing social things. My mother in law and her family hardly contact my husband for catching up where as i come from a very close family and my family really like him for a son in law and brother in law and he see’s more of my family than his. I wish my in laws could try getting pass whatever they can’t stand about me and accept me for who i am.
His mother and sister didn’t want anything to do with me and said so once we became engaged. I was suddenly banned from their home . We never were told a reason, just that I was not allowed there. So my man chose me over his family. They weren’t invited to our wedding. We haven’t seen nor spoke to the majority of his immediate family for over 32 years. He has even gone so far as severed relationships with cousins who try to get him to repair the family ties.
I have never considered them inlaws and do not refer to them as such.
Just recently, I began doing doing genealogy. I have found two family trees for my Husband’s family online. Neither of them list me as a spouse. They only list his ex wife. And like someone else mentioned here, there are always pictures posted on social media at Christmas or family days that include his Ex and her relatives. My husband and his first wife had been legally separated for 2 years when we met so the reason isn’t that I split up their marriage.
This has eaten away at me all these years. I’ve been for Family Counseling many times to deal with the pain and guilt of the estrangement. Thanks for this webpage. It has helped me to read it this morning.
I am very sorry you are going through this! Your husband did the right thing by choosing you. It is his family that are wrong. Not you.
So glad to hear that he chose you, you are more important than those Narcies….I’m in a very similar situation and things got worse when we both spoke up… Sister is Jealous and Mom is upset I live 3 hours away….Time to move on now. Cant reason with them. Life is too short to take this mental abuse.
It was nice reading these posts to know I’m not the only one disliked by in-laws. I just have a question..I’m not married yet but I will be in a few years and my mom accepts my boyfriend, my dad does not but that’s ok cause I live with my mom 😀 but my boyfriend’s parents do not accept me along with a few other members of his family. I was just wondering how my parents and his parents are supposed to meet before we’re married? Like are they supposed to meet before because it’s the proper thing to do and to discuss and help plan the wedding ? Or is it just okay to plan and then invite them as though they are regular people?
My advice is you and your boyfriend plan the wedding yourselves. Enlist the help of any family member who is supportive and positive. Don’t arrange a meeting with the families beforehand. It is a waste of time if your husband’s family hates you. Invite both families to the wedding and that is the first time they can meet. That is my two cents at least.
My father-in-law started shunning me after the 4th of July last year. It is because I emailed him a serious, yet (I thought) loving email about how he had treated several family members. Other family members had been hurt by things he had carelessly said to them, but no one had the courage to say anything to him. So, believing he and I have truly loved one another for 30 years, I told him in a straightforward, loving way that he needed to apologize to the other family members. He never responded. Several months later, I called him to work things out, but he was rude, gruff and said he wasn’t going to be at the whole Family Christmas. He said, “I don’t want to be there because YOU are going to be there!” Since then, he has refused my requests to please forgive me, he has booked trips with other family members during times our family has traditionally spent together (Fourth of July for the last 30 years, Christmas for most of the last 30 years, etc.) He cancelled a trip he had invited our son to, but never told us. He and his wife never mentioned coming to our home for an annual traditional weekend we have shared for 10 years. They literally are shunning not just me now, but my husband and children. It is hurtful beyond words. It hurts mostly because he is KNOWINGLY and INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt me/us. All I know to do at this point is to keep praying that his heart will change, because he is loved by our family. He and his wife have made up their mind, though, to intentionally hurt us, and we can’t do a thing about it. Very, very sad. Especially for our children. They are our youngest son’s only grandparents that he remembers – and they choose to excommunicate us from their lives.
I am having the exact same story with my FIL. So used to calling the shots he couldn’t get over the audacity of me gently telling him to stop meddling in our lives. You don’t need such a petty old fool, trust me. Baby has thrown his toys out of the pram. Whatever you do don’t apologize, the more you apologize the more he’ll Ignore you. He’s savoring your pain and knows ignoring you is actually giving him a martyr like pleasure.
My inlaws don’t understand why we don’t want to see certain family members kids, aside from the fact my SIL is a psychotic freak they don’t seem to get the fact we’ve lost 3 sets of twins through IVF very recently which I’m still recovering from. Being around husbands horrible family is hard, but I have absolutely no trouble with friends babies and kids.
He still sees you as a child and he’s the adult. Live life, enjoy yourself, ignore him for a good few weeks and spend time with people and friends who love you. Your husband and your children. Keep busy, plan a new family activity on the days you used to see them and trust me, it won’t hurt as much and your mind won’t focus so much on it. Push through, good to know we’re not the only ones going through this childish rubbish. Be civil but let him know respect is a two way street. If he doesn’t play ball, ignore him. Good luck.
This all sounds very familiar but I have one problem that has not been mentioned. My husaband is the root of my problem. From the beginning he kept me separate from his family, I am his wife and his family is his family. His son had a child while we were engaged then another after we were married but my husband refused to acknowledge me as “grandma”. I wanted to be the children’s grandma. I have no grandchildren of my own and was very excited to have these children in our lives. He would address me by my first name when talking to the boys so naturally his son has now taken the same attitude. We had many, many fights about this issue. I explained that I felt left out and how it hurt me & made me feels as he thought I wasn’t good enough to be part of his family. Finally one day, I decided that if he wouldn’t acknowledge me as grandma then I didn’t need to make the effort to play that part anymore. A couple of years have past and now my husband wants me to be a bigger part in their lives which I was glad to do but his son stated that he doesn’t see me as being anything to his children. He son made other statements about me that were very hurtful. My husband did not stand up for me until I got mad. Now I have cut ties with his son and they are not welcome in my house since he has disrespected me many times while he has been in my home. I understand that I can’t make his son like me but I do believe I should be respected especially since I have never disrespected him or have treated him badly.
My question is – can a marriage really be a marriage if you are not part of your husband’ family.
Oh boy Christine I can relate to what you are saying. After 25 years of being sent to Coventry by my sister in law and her family, she apologised, said she was wrong. I forgave her and started to gradually establish trust and make a relationship. My husband was then very quick to introduce our sons ,18 and 21 to their aunt who they knew of but hadn’t known even though we live in the same city. They accept her and like all of her family. Im proud of that. But the past 10 years have revealed that my husband has included me only when it suits him, while gradually increasing his contact with them and taking our sons to play cards and watch football, meet the cousins when they visit etc. I’m not invited by him unless we drop in after church. Any family business is “private “. I’m also excluded from that by my husband with implicit agreement by his family. I have never had a cross word with anybody in the family, always determined to be civil and set a good example. My husband is so delighted (understandably) to have his family back but is territorial about them and keeps my involvement with them to a bare minimum. I am hurt beyond words by this. I made my own life when I was estranged from them. It’s much harder to ignore this new phase where I’m in the outer circle. I’m trying hard to find peace with it. My husband is unsympathetic. Thanks to the above replies I feel less alone.
The only way through this misery is to leave it. Bury it, put up the tombstone. These vampires love the fact you’re on the outside, it gives them a huge sense of power and enjoyment so they throw you the crumbs. The only way to put a stake through their heart is to live your life to the fullest, stop asking about them, start a few new classes, join a running club, take up something you always wanted to do, join a team. Your pain will lessen and you will gradually begin to claim back your power because the only person who can make you happy is you. You have a choice. Being ignored sucks and is heartbreaking but joining an organization / club opens you up to so many people who could become fantastic friends. Warning, be prepared for your inlaws to notice this and try suck you back in and then they’ll discard you again. They want you to suffer, to be immobile, in pain. We’re not going to do that. Make a new sick al life schedule and happiness and love will follow. X
Hannah, you have MADE MY DAY. I’ve been having the most dreadful time with toxic in-laws and your advice is perfect – so perfect, I’ve printed it out. Here’s to living life to the max. THANK YOU x
This is not an attack on you as much as it is on your spouse. What most people do not understand is that if a parent wants what’s best for their child they accept their child’s choice and do what they can to make sure their child is happy in their relationships. What hurts their child hurts them. If they are line this they have probably been abusing your spouse most of their life. They want to see them fail as they have put all the blame and shame onto them for many years. They are right people they have to be right today right tomorrow and right yesterday. They don’t care what the truth is only what they can make other people believe. They feel that if they have a good relationship then it takes away from the golden child’s life. My suggestion is educate yourself and your partner on this type of abuse. Be very specific about not allowimg them to continue to abuse and if they refuse end the relationship. Sadly I doubt that they will ever admit to it or stop. It’s extremely painful. If your spouse can’t do this be patient continue to educate and try to be supportive but often. They push such a huge wedge between you and your spouse you it’s impossible. The sad reality is heart breaking. It’s devastating. I’m so sorry if you have to experience this. You will need to get out quick before your character is murdered and you can never repair your life. Remember these people are sick and it’s from generational type of abuse. You have to protect your children. You can not make someone do what is right or understand things they can not. There are defense mechanisms that make a person forget and it may be too painful for them to get past these things. Tell yourself this doesn’t get to destroy you. That you will survive. They truth is the in-laws are forcing domestic abuse, and the chances that your children will live in a dysfunctional family is very high. It’s hard to watch when your spouse is still after his parent’s approval. It’s truly tragic.
You are so right Hannah! I’ve experienced very toxic in laws and they way you describe is the only right way to protect your soul from such negative people.
Hannah, thanks for the reminder to focus on myself. I believe it is exactly what I need to do in order to save my marriage. His toxic family has created so much tension between us. I am done!…I am no longer putting up with people who are toxic and make me feel horrible. My husband sticks by me. I hurt for him that he doesnt have a relationship with them, but he is having an easier time than me for some reason. I dont like being disliked and disapproved for no reason at all!…I have never done a thing to anyone. Never even met his mother. I had one conversation with her where she told me off saying she didnt want us married. Anyways, people like this can really kill a person. I’m not letting the pain happen anymore.. you are soo right!..I’m burying them. Done. Thanks for the great way to put it. Thanks!
My in-laws treat me like garbage. I have done nothing but show love to them. They treat me like im not even a human being. They would call me nasty names like, you’re a slut and the biggest whore in the world. And it hurts so much. Sometimes I just want to leave my spouse because I don’t deserve this kind of treatment, my spouse always ends of fighting with his siblings because of how they treat me. And the sad part is they are always telling me that im a trouble maker and I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I cannot ignore them because they’re always looking for trouble with me. I need advice on how to deal with this because it’s making me sick.
Your husband is right to defend you against his family. If they start calling you names, you pick up your purse and tell your husband it is time to leave. Or tell the in laws you will not put up with such disrespect in your house. Do not take that abuse. If the in laws refuse to respect you, you cut off contact. They are not welcome in your house. You refuse to attend anything they host. Your husband can choose to go alone but you must draw some boundaries for your own sanity.
I have been married 38 years and have lived on the same property as my inlaws the entire time. We have owned the land for the last 22 years but have been stuck and unable to sell or move as my husband always puts his elderly parents ahead of our family needs. Now that our 2 boys are adults and out of the house we need a smaller piece of property as my husband has back problems and I have to do all yardwork, housekeeping, car upkeep etc. Although inlaws r 90 they get around fairly well but mil has mild dementia and do a lot of the yard work on the part of the land on which they reside. They have been very good to our sons, but since I am not blood I am not considered family. I had ACL-R knee surgery as well as cataract and susequent eye surgeries and inlaws never came to hospital or asked how I was doing nor throughout my 4 month knee rehab . We attend the same church ( husband does not attend) and although I have difficulty driving at nite, they never offer to take me to evening bible studies which is only 5 miles from home. This past year they totally ignored my birthday and have received some thought less gifts in the past thrown in a black plastic garbage bag. I have been told to mind my own business, given snide remarks by mil about me, my home, my relationship with husband which is poor since he cleves to his parents and has never left their side. It is often them against me. I now just keep my mouth shut and don’t say anything bad to husband about parents and rude remarks they make to me. I have as little to do with his parents, rarely go to their home or have them to my home anymore. I have done all the holidays for the last 30 years, mother and father days, xmas, thanksgiving, easter, 4th of July and birthday dinners, gifts, & decorations. After my knee surgery I said I had done my share and paid my dues which husband agreed and now we go out 4 most of the major holidays and usually pay 4 them too. I have allowed myself to be used and finally came to my senses. Now when my son’s and their significant others come over I do not invite the inlaws. It is tense I feel when they r around and my mil has to always b the center of attention. For 38 years all family discussions have been about them and never included me. I have 2 siblings who don’t live close so I don’t see them much or have any famity close. By just having my immediate family I find it ,much more pleasant and peaceful at family meals at my home. My inlaws never invite us when their dtr and husband visit from out of state. My husband was actually told to not come to their home when his sister is there as his sister usually starts some drama. Overall, looking in from the outside I see how I have been rejected and taken advantage of, but now that I have put my foot down I am in control not under the inlaws control and much happier.
Some of these situations I am reading about are worse than mine. I am saddened and surprised at how many hostile situations women (and men) have to go through with inlaws, and I wonder what the causes are? I encourage those suffering from abuse from inlaws to cut them out or see them very rarely if it is unavoidable and even then say a few polite words and walk away, distance yourself emotionally, physically. My husband and I are moving away and it the best thing ever. I recommend moving to a different county, even state if needed. Prayers for things to get better for us all. We deserve better.
My situation is somewhat similar. We got along just fine for a while. In fact we were very close. My husband and I lived with our in laws for 8 years. Unfortunately, I started noticing indirect negative comments quite frequently. At first, I thought nothing of it, but gradually the comments kept getting more frequent and more degrading. I felt like I was drowning the last 3 years living there, like I could never take a deep breath. It was such a hard thing because they always said how nice it was to have us there and yet I felt like I was not wanted there. I ended up developing body dysmorphia because I couldn’t see myself as I truly was.. She would constantly call out any imperfections she thought I had. She would say my daughter looked like my husband and his side of the family. I truly loved them and still do. It ended badly because I stood up to her in a respectful manner. I would rather talk it out with her myself then talk to other people through gossip. She ended calling me a drama queen in subtle ways, instead of thanking me for trying so hard to keep a relationship instead of talking behind her back which is what everyone else did. So now at least we moved further down the road and seeing her less helps a lot. But to this day she still tries very hard to act like I don’t exsist. The good thing is I have done a lot of self reflection and realized my many potentials and qualities.
Anonymous,
I have been married for 32 years. I have always been disliked by my MIL and SILS. Same issue as you, constantly picked apart for my looks, my shyness and my already low self-esteem. You are correct when you say that you have come to the conclusion that you are a worthy and important person! Indeed, you are made in God’s image and he made you YOU for a purpose. I am proud of your courage and resilience and you should be praised for the person you are. When I had been married for 17 years, I made the conscious choice that I would no longer accept the insults and condescending looks and comments given to me by my husband’s family. I received some resistance from my husband but I only go around his toxic family when I choose to. I do not owe those people anything but since I respect my elders, I don’t confront them, I simply disengage them. My eldest child unfortunately is just like them. My youngest child is just like me, therefore she has always been ignored and she is subjected to obvious favoritism shown to my oldest child. This actually hurts me more than they could ever imagine but the truth is, they do not care because that is their goal. To hurt us both as much as possible…I am praying for you and I have faith that things will improve in all three of our lives. My youngest daughter just got married and did not invite any of them to her wedding. It was HER day and if their presence would have ruined her day then I didn’t see any reason for them to be included. It was only done with the idea that if they could not celebrate WITH & FOR the bride and groom, they should remain toxic and hateful on their own time!
Please please take your children and leave. If your eldest can not understand this is abuse and won’t change there is not much you can do. Let them go and pray that come back to you. Explain to them that you didn’t understand this type of abuse that it hasn’t veen recognized long enough for people to know whst is happening and teach them about things like scape goat of the family. Send them articles they will choose to not be part of it or they will discredit you. It’s sad but they have that choice. Sad for everyone but you must break the cycle of abuse and prptection your children that want a different type of life. Your obligated to. It’s hard. It can also be impossible if they have money and power. Pray pray pray. And one verse that helped me proverbs 6 :12-15 the worthless man. Maybe that will help you see things for the way that they are. My life was awful. My husband turned on me the worst day of my life. The death of a child. He set me up had told lies about me for years and years. Said things in such a subtle way nobody knew he was insulting me. I tried so hard to get him to stop. I read him many things and begged and pleaded. Nobody ever loved their husband more than I did. His mother was on hospice and then died. It was like she had to be right and I had to be the problem. He began having affairs. He closed out joint checking account and did not tell me. He told me to write out checks trying to make me look crazy. My daughters fought beside me and my sons turned on me. It was being dragged through hell backwards by my hair. And then God saved us as my husband got himself killed. It’s really too bad he had been so affected by their abuse it not only cost him his life but his daughters said “we know it’s a terrible thing to say, but it’s really a blessing that he is gone.” My sister in-law begged for his ashes to be buried with their family so I allowed them to take them. They had a graveside funeral and did not invite me or his daughters. They want to believe it was my fault. With only a fourth of the income we had when he was alive I have been able to get half way to fixing the financial disaster he created when he went on his self destructive path. The abuse from his family had caused him to become insane. He would have killed the girls and then me claiming is was murder suicide and gotten life insurance from the girls and he would have probably gotten away with it. I owe everything to Jesus. Please avoid this. Please don’t stay until you can’t leave. End a relationship no matter how painful it is for you at the very first sign of this or when you can understand what im trying to tell you. These people are evil. The sins of the father are passed down. Don’t let it hurt the children. Some of it is unconscious bit my husband choose to destroy me. I had gotten him his high paying job. How he repaid me. “Women think im a good catch, I make a lot of money.” We hadn’t fought before this for over 10 years. I thought he had gotten passed his issues. He had made so many promises. Then when my grandson died who wasnt his biological grandson he turned into a terrible monster. I fought for my life. I didn’t fight back before. I believe just because someone else acts badly doesn’t mean that you have to. But put any animal in a corner threaten their food, shelter, life and then their children’s lives that animal will come out swinging. It’s not easy when your so much smaller and have been repressed so much that nobody will help you. I had stayed home and focused on my family. I didnt understand why people were so rude to me. I did not know what he had been doing. I almost didn’t survive. It was like he seen me knew who I was and choose to destroy me over a period of 26 years. It’s like being killed slowly. As the emotional abuse is hard for one to fight back and recognize it. Run run run. This is beyond horrific. Only because Jesus saved us did we survive. They are evil people and evil people do not create good people. Your spouse should have never allowed this. I wouldnt have. They have replaced themselves as the scape goat with you. Now run!
I was also rejected by my in-laws except my husband s parents. They gave us their blessing. My father inlaw has three wives and so its a family that is very complicated. There’s an issue of whose mother should we support? Some of my husbands relatives didn’t attend our wedding because we got married at the third wifes house where our father lives. We understand that it was not about us but about my father inlaw. They missed out on a wonderful memorable occasion. It was their loss. My husband and I love each other and we have our parents blessings that is all that matters to us. We are blessed with a baby girl and they never shared in our joy again. We grieve the loss of a relationship with them and we moved on. My family is so supportive and we re there for them too. Life has so much to offer so we r excited about our life that we re building together.
Hi Ladies I feel your pain. This year I will be with my husband for 6 years and married for 2 year. I really don’t know what is up with my husband’s mother and just his family in general. I’ve tried my best to be polite and understanding and after numerous attempts after being rejected I still tried for my husband’s sake until I couldn’t anymore and things between us got very hectic we would argue and go dats without speaking however I prayed that God may open his eyes and one-day my husband started to see that what I was saying was the truth. But still i tried because I don’t like having issues so I confronted his mother and we had a good chat hoping things would change and 2 months passed not a single word from her and to her that is normal and then again with my husband I went and the same thing until recently my husband told her he can’t allow her issues to affect his marriage and if he has to he chooses me so if she wants to really be in his lofe she has to make things right with me and to this date I have not heard a single word from her and it angered me because rejection is not nice at all so what this shows me she will rather not have her son in her lofe than try to have a relationship with me but today I’m putting them all aside they are no longer going to get me down however if there is something I will never so is keep my husband from his family or anyone he would want in his life so I do encourage him from time to time to have a relationship with his mother and family but if he doesn’t want too I can’t force him however I will not allow them to get the better of me. All I wanted was what he has with my family but now all I want is for them to stay away from me they can be in his life
So many awesome ladies I can relate to. Married for 30 years and still rejected by my mother in law and three sisters in law. From day one, the sisters have ignored me or shunned me and over the years as my kids grew into amazing young adults them too. I realized over the years my mother in law was the ring leader in the gossip and mean girl ways and my sisters in law would play along as to compete for Moms favorite (a lot of money involved here and mother in law works it). I have been used thinking they were gonna be nice only to be made a fool of. How I cope- I remind myself how my husband is not like them, I will no longer spend my precious free time with anyone who does not appreciate me! I also remind myself they are insecure, jealous of our life and they are the ones who are missing out. My husband visits his mom alone. I remind my husband to not over share when visiting his mom or get led into backbiting. My husband has seen how they are and over the years the more he supports me and the kids the more his mom has distanced herself. My daughter didn’t invite any of them to her wedding and I don’t blame her- she says were making our own family mom. I believe in universal law and know in my hart that their behavior is evil so I stay away from it.
Your daughter should invite them. I know that sounds hard to fathom. I do understand how it feels not to be accepted by in-laws. I too have been married a long time, over 30 years. My MIL died last year and she never accepted any of her children in laws. She would talk about them all behind their backs and there is no doubt me also. My MIL even left a girl in my house when our kids were very young that was hitting on my husband who is her son. I found that shocking as I gave her grandchildren. But I imagine they would have liked an extra set of grandchildren from the girl they brought from my FIL’s homeland. My MIL never gave me a birthday greeting, card or gift nor did she give anything to her grandchildren so I felt very rejected and was extremely angry about it for years when i was younger. But after 30 years of marriage your MIL is close to the end of her life also. So let’s break the chain of women who can’t accept each other in families. And let’s not deny your daughter whatever gift her Grandmother might give her as a wedding gift. There is no reason to put her at an important table etc. but let her come to the wedding, if for no other reason than the fact that the mother of the groom may want to see and meet more relatives simply because she is interested in what they look like or how they sound or act etc. Right now I am reading this page because my son just got married and I am angry that not one of the things I might have wanted was considered, but even more angry that his wife was cruel to her parents and did not invite either one of them. I would really like to know what her mother looks like, and I feel as though she has pushed her own parents so far away (she does not speak to them) and has always been distant with my husband and I, I have a feeling she will do that to us also. Not to mention some other things that tell me she bad mouths us to our son all the time. Truthfully, we DIL can be as bad as MILs.
I am sorry to hear your daughter in law is such a cold fish. I have seen some daughter in laws who are very cold and cruel to the mother in laws. Personally, it would take a lot for me not to have my own parents at my wedding. But it is amazing how many daughter in laws won’t even allow grandparents to see the grandkids just because the daughter in law has a personality clash with them. Here I tried to be nice to my mother in law and she tells everyone how horrible I am. I would never deny her being with her grandkids even though she is honestly pretty nasty. She does not know what bad is!
Am Lincoln Smith.
Am 24 in a relationship with the one girl I love the most.
I have quite a good relationship with her siblings.
But theven parents, especially the dad have great hatred for me.
Keeps feeding her with stories about me that are not true.
And all I want for her is to be happut, she is a brave and strong young beautiful lady,she choosed me over her parents and can do everything for us to end up together. I love this girl so much, but she’s sufferingot a lot from her family just because she chosed me.
I just want her suffering to end,,leaving her it’s not an option here..I don’t want to stay without her.I
Even though it is tempting, try not to bad mouth her family. The best thing you can do is be supportive of her and just be the best partner you can be. Believe me, I have in laws who hate me. I know it is hard. I am not an outspoken person and try to be polite to everyone. You can’t change her family. I try to just be a loving wife to my husband and let him decide how he wants to interact with his family. I don’t get involved because I have no relationship with my in laws. Your situation will probably be the same unfortunately.
My in laws have judged me and treated me like I didn’t exist. My husband is completely supportive like my rock. His family is completely did functional. His first wife left him for his father, just destroying him. He’s healed since we’ve been together and are very happy together. His nephews girlfriend ran around on him and now the whole family seems to have invited her back in with open arms. I don’t understand any of it. They’re very supportive of him and the stay in close contact daily. He won’t ask them why or acknowledge the distance. I try to appear strong for him but it confuses me and breaks my heart. I wish I knew how to handle this. All good advise I’ll try to apply some.
I have one daughter from a failed relationship. Me and my boyfriend have just known each other for about 6months. But it’s really one of those relationships like you’ve known each other for so long already and would go through anything to make the relationship work. He was also the reason I was able to muster all the strength to end my toxic relationship with my daughter’s father.
Well, I just met my boyfriend’s mom a few days ago. The introduction was fine and short as she had errands to do. I even thought it went well. But night came and she was busy going back and forth in their restaurant and she just kept passing by me and never said a word, looked at me nor asked how I was doing. She even got angry one moment with his son for not ordering the softdrinks and ice ahead of time because all his son did was MIND UNIMPORTANT MATTERS (which I knew was referring to ME!). I wanted to teleport myself back home or disappear at that very moment. I felt offended and disrespected.
I’ve been crying for days because of this. I felt right then and there the rejection. I feel it would even be worse once she knows I have a child.
Don’t give into the mothers bitterness and hate. I was the same way when I married my husband. I was devastated that they did not approve of me. I lost out on enjoying my wedding day and a whole host of things because I cared about the nasty mother in law who did not approve of me. I say this because, please, don’t give away your precious time with your boyfriend, your child, the joy you have in your life to these nasty people. If you stay with this man, you are going to have to get tough and say to hell with these people. They don’t like you. They don’t approve of you. And to hell with them. Be strong and believe in yourself. I say this with conviction so you won’t waste your time being hurt and losing out. Yes, it does suck but just remember you don’t need the approval of anyone to be happy. One last advice, never apologize for your life either. These nasty people will try and knock you down. Be strong and be proud.
Yes I do have to get tough. I Love my boyfriend so much and I won’t let anything or anyone tear us apart. As long as he Loves me too and fights for our Love. Thank You for your words of encouragement…
AMEN
Good Advice
I ‘m in a similar situation my future husbands adult children went bonkers when he told them he wanted to marry me.
We have been together for four years; I was Ok until they heard
We were planning to get married.
From the beginning of our relationship they treated me like a piece of furniture, cold and most of the time at family gatherings they ignored me.
How do I move forward? Do I continue feeling uncomfortable
when I’m on their company or do I never my relationship with his children?
I would not try and force a relationship with his children. Just be polite and don’t get overly personal with them. Over time they will either come around or still be nasty to you. You can only control your own behavior and just remain civil and polite.
I have been with my now husband for 10 years and married for just over a year now. I am 10 years younger than my husband and he comes from a large immediate family being the youngest of 5. I have had ups and downs with my in laws but have always managed to maintain a civilisrd relationship with his family. Since our wedding o feel like things have shifted and i am often left out of functions, plans etc. I unfortunately am a very sensitive person and find it hard to accept their coldness all of a sudden. My brother in law has recently entered into a new relationship and his partner is almost invited over to partake in family functions etc, her mother was even invited over to enjoy a afternoon visit eith my MIL whereas my parents have never been offered the same knvite. Perhaps i am being sensitive but find it hard to accept that the paradigm has shifted so significantly and i am not sure what i have done to deserve their disapproval.
I stay in a communal home
I have tried communicating with my Father in law as I am big on communication and I don’t like uncomfortable communication dynamics
I have spoken to him about him reprimanding me
He told me I make him feel like shit in his own house and when I speak to him I make him feel small
he attacked me and told me his house is not my house and I am guest
My husband says I shouldn’t overthink this but how can I know when someone has told me there house is not my home
It is so hurtful, how can I not think about it
I’m not married but I feel I need to write here to get some angst out of my head as I cannot direct it where it needs to go.
I’ve been with my boyfriend 17 months…and it’s recently become apparent that my mother-in-law has no time for me and wants nothing to do with me and is now attempting to put pressure on him to leave me. WHY IS THIS A CONCEPT?? How dare these women think like this. They married and were not ostracised so why do they think its ok to do this? We haven’t rowed in 17 months because we get on great. Now this woman has decided I’m too old for him (I’m 2 yrs his senior!), have no direction (Im trying to change careers), have a tattoo, am loud, and just not her cup of tea. What about HIS cup of tea considering it’s me he is in a relationship with?? Why can’t they respect their sons feelings. I have done NOTHING wrong to deserve it, not had a disagreement, not embarrassed myself, not sponged off anyone including the state, and am desperate to change my career for future happiness and prosperity. She has no time for me to get to understand my plans. I’ve had an eclectic life until now and it’s alien to her as shes only ever worked and worked and worked. I’ve travelled a lot and had a lot of life experiences. Which apparently counts for nothing. Oh and I don’t want children and my OH agrees. I think that could be the crux of the problem but that’s our bag no one elses. She wouldn’t be able to look after a child anyway so it would be an occasional toy or her. Its not my fault she only had one son and hankered after the father for too many years and had no further children to give her grandkids. I’m getting so much crap but absolutely nothing and now my other half is being pressured bit by bit to leave me. How os this a THING???? Its taken me 20 years to find this man after a load of utter rubbish for years and then I find HIM and I get this from a third party. It’s all so unecessary and frustrating to the core.
I know it sounds very cliche. But it is her and not you. These mother in laws have so many hang ups and selfish agendas. Yes, if they truly cared about and loved their kids, they would respect and honor their kids choices for a spouse. A lot of these mother in laws are malignant narcissists. There is nothing you could ever say or do to please these woman. I tell you from experience, stay strong, be polite but don’t go to out of your way, never try to win their approval. You can’t change who you are and you shouldn’t have to. I am older than my husband and his family has never accepted me. But I made a choice to be committed to my husband. Yes, it would have been great but life is full of people who want to drag you down because they are honestly miserable themselves. You and your husband just have to be true to each other and unfortunately not everyone will be supportive. Find the people that do support you, be it any family or friends and really focus on them and be nurturing to the good people in your life. The rest can go rot in the dark hole they have *chosen* to exist in.
Im 22 and married.
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and my mother in law does not like me rn due to me “having a bad attitude” at my last visit with them. It’s the second time I have gone to his parents house and now I’m shunned out of the family for being a human. His mother doesn’t like me and his siblings don’t talk to me either now because of it. It’s causd a lot of problems between us, so much so he’s brought up divorce.. we were doing great up to this point. I’ve been killing my self over this trying to find a way to fix it all but seem I keep digging myself deeper and deeper. I’ve tried texting her and explaining myself and I found myself receiving a not so good text back. Mind you i had NO idea that she was upset with till months later, and that b/c I noticed she had been giving me the cold shoulder. Instead of coming to me and talking about how she felt this all could have been avoided. Things have been handled wrong on both sides but everyone is making it completely my fault to the point where I feel ganged up on. Any way I’ve been trying to get over it and live my life and if they come around cool and if not whatever but it def doesn’t help when he is completely siding with them. So much so that we spend thanksgiving this year separately, him with his family and me with mine. Such bullshit.
Unfortunately the problem lies with your husband. He needs to step in and deal with his family. If he is choosing his family over you, this is not good. This sounds harsh but you and your husband should consider marriage counseling- if not, then maybe the marriage is in jeopardy.
I am distanced from my Inlaws, they r a Greek family and all very close, I am not a first wife and I have a son from another marriage. My Inlaws r mostly cordial. What I find is that I have and would have to go out of my way for them but they would not for me, or feel they do even tho they don’t kind of thing. I have my friends and I have a very small family and I focus on that. Familie’s sometimes r more divisive than inclusive. Presently my son is graduating HS, I don’t anticipate my Inlaws having any involvement or even notice or care about the thing, yet I have been to a few of that families graduations and have worked hard on parties for them. I’ve moved on But it’s a sad feeling to know they don’t care about us.
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. His mom and dad disowned him because he did not tell them about our relationship. I called my FIL a month ago and went to eat with him. He was very nice and even wanted to go eat again. I called him last night and he told me he doesnt want to go eat anymore. I am upset because I do not have any in-laws. My boyfriend refuses to call his dad and mom. I do not know whether to care or not care. My boyfriend is wonderful to me. We are planning on getting married next year. Should I be worried about marrying someone who refuses to talk to his parent? They caused the problem by running him down about me. My boyfriend just wants me to not worry about them. So lost!
First of all I felt so much better about my situation after reading this blog. It baffles me that so many people are living with such hostile situations everyday.
I am form India. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and of those married for 3. My in-laws didn’t approve of me. They are not bad people, they are just very stubborn in their own ways, especially my father in law and I didn’t fit into their family agenda according to them. This caused a lot of friction between my husband and them. He was working in the family business that his father built. He eventually walked out of the business and family and haven’t spoken to them since.
It was very difficult for us at first financially, beacuse he had to start all over again with a new job and career, but we got through it.
We have a one year old daughter now. She is a perfect little angel and we are so happy and proud.
Everything is great but I feel so guilty that I am the reason he is estranged from his parents and he cannot share the joy of having a child with them because my parents are very close to me. I feel guilty that I get to interact and get loved by my parents and my family but because of me he doesn’t get to do that.
The worst part is where my husband doesn’t even want to talk about them. I know that he misses them but he doesn’t want to share any of his feelings about it. He just shrugs and tells me that it’s not my fault that they are like that and moves on if something comes up related to them. I worry about him and I am the kind of person who can’t keep anything to myself and feel that if share your feelings you will feel a little better. He is not like that, I want to give him space but this guilt is eating me away.
I know it’s not my fault and I can not do anything about it but when I see my daughter it breaks my heart that my in laws are not getting to see their granddaughter grow up.
Good on your husband for standing up for you! Many men are so afraid to do that. Maybe what you can do is pull your husband aside and tell him you don’t want him to necessarily be estranged from his family. That you are open to mending fences if he is willing. I would not nag on it. Just tell him you support him and you would like to work things out with his family if he is comfortable doing so. Give him time after saying that. Ultimately it is his choice.
Best thing that ever happened to me was the realization that I do not need nor want their approval.
Pining for it, complaining about it only gives the rejecting in-laws power.
So I turned it around. The in-laws need my approval if they want access to my children because I am the gateskeeper to my family.
Also the realization that the grandparents are not family but only extended relatives. We do not live with the in-laws, our finances are not pooled together.
Because they are not part of one’s family unit, in-laws have zero legal rights to visitation. They have to go through the parents!!
Counseling is a horrible idea because these rejecting in-laws want a vote in how you live your life. Why would I negotiate or compromise with a party that disrespects me so fully?
Besides why would I give an opportunity to negotiate my marriage with outsiders, interlopers, who have already articulated that their rejection means they are actively trying to drive a wedge in my marriage?
For me, I think this was the most helpful post yet.
I have been married for 14 years. We live in the states my husband is from Australia. He is the oldest of 3 boys who are all now married but we are the only ones with kids. I’m the mother of their only grandchildren. At first they were all very accepting of me but in time grew to not like me and feel they are “stuck with me now”. My mother in law is very manipulative, desperate for attention and has no idea what boundaries are. We have put them in place several times and she will continue to cross over them. My husband never confronted them and only wanted to fall back into his obedient firstborn son role when his parents are around. My in laws attacked me over the course of about 6 months. Lying about me, making up stories of things that never happened, exaggerating everything and turning by his brothers and even my husbands aunts and uncles against us instructing them to not contact us. This lead to me being diagnosed with chronic anxiety and regular panic attacks which lead to me thinking I was having heart attacks. My husband still wouldn’t stand up to them instead he ignored it. Our marriage was almost destroyed because of the nastiness his parents caused and they still deny any wrong doing and blame only me. I have been in therapy for a year and recently finished. I have since began the process of reconciling with his family. I’m not the only one to blame but I also haven’t been perfect in this. The problems come when we want to pass off all the blame or the crazy on to the other person. I owned up to my part with my in laws even though it wasn’t easy and asked them to forgive me for anything I might have done to hurt them. Mother in law is more open and willing to be honest and that has improved our relationship. I still send them birthday cards, Christmas and mother’s day gifts and I share all I can about their grandchildren I don’t withhold them from the in laws. I just set very clear boundaries and my husband has since started confronting things with his mom when he needs to and it also helps that we live in another country! I share my story to hopefully encourage others that you can come back from hate or damaged relationships with your in laws! You have to be willing to hold the mirror up to yourself as well you might not be the easiest person to get along with either! Humble yourself and really try to understand them even though it’s so extremely hard. Relationships in general are not easy but when we can come at them from the view that it’s not just the other person always creating problems but it’s us as well (even if our contribution is smaller), then I think we can repair them to the point that at least we can be in the same room together.
I actually had a great relationship before I got married with MIL. and when we got engaged she said….oh! Now I don’t have to worry about the way I treat you.
Since then, she resents me for not having children. After 15 years, my husband and I battled cancer, depression and he and I will probably split up. I can actually hear the cheers from across the city form MILs house. And FIL too.
They are very passive. So it was very hard to explain or my husband to believe that she was cruel to me. For years. She is also well liked and loves to gossip. She actually gossiped about my sister in law before my husband’s bro married her….that she was dumb, dingy, not well read….
They are intellectual snobs. You have to read up on current events just to have dinner there.
Finally, she sent me a birthday card with my maiden name written on the envelope. A name I have not used in 15 years.
I showed it to my husband. He finally agreed it was rude. But said nothing. He doesn’t defend me. And it’s really the last nail in the coffin. Why would you try to save your marriage if the family doesn’t even want you?
I feel I want to move on. I see an open door in the pen and I feel like a wild horse about to bolt for it.
And I’m actually glad. I got to tell her…hey, I don’t have to take your shit. Get lost.
Even though, it hurts soich my husband never stood up for me. The mil and bro in law actually team up against me.
I am so done with this passive aggressive family. At least my family will tell you to your face they don’t like you.
+I’m out. Gina.
Hey there,
I felt bad because when my wife and i got married we decided to live 3 hours away for work purposes and i was moving away from my family with absolutely no positive support. My Stepdad would say “I’m surprised you haven’t come back home yet” “We though you were playing house” Got the feeling they wanted us to fail, nice family hey. Over time my sister and mom would treat my wife horrible and i mean not nice.. i had a hard time believing that they treated her this way so it took a while for me to let them have it, i should have acted sooner than later and when I did they pinned the rest of the family on us. I see it a total disrespect to her but too a middle finger to me as well as she does not matter nor do I… I chose my wife first over them she has been the best thing for me as they growing up made life hard. Your Husband has to make a choice you or them you deserve that. I’m sorry to hear as this is very similar to what my wife had gone through.. we keep the distance with family now. i know you will choose what is best good luck friend
I actually had a great relationship before I got engaged with MIL. and when we got de facto she said….oh! Now I don’t have to worry about the way I treat you. In April we plan to marriage in November after I’m received letter for Australia immigration reject my partner visa . I’m asking my boyfriend got help me to do new partner visa offshore apply him promise me will do and him also promise her son will to this for me, after I’m return to my country. Him family told to my boyfriend don’t want to do partner visa to you girlfriend wai you time in then.
Here is my situation, I can relate to a lot of you.
Wife and I married in our mid 20’s, she is a few years older and was the best thing that happened to me as if I had stayed in my home town i would not be the Man i am today. We live about 3 hours from where i grew up and after one year of knowing each other we got married (26 years now). I thought that my sister and wife would have gotten along very well as they are around the same age and liked the same music etc. but only found out after a couple meetings how Jealous my sister really was (is) The nicer my wife was the meaner my sister got and my mother did not help either, mom would say things to my sister to get her more jealous and upset. If we confronted my sister about her behavior she would go right to Mom and show all the horrible but true things we said and that is the triangle. Life growing up with Mom was never really good, Father left when i was a yr old, she remarried and he left when i was 7 then the one she married again (3) was the last one up until he passed away 11 yrs ago, and they had split up for 6 months too while I was 14 yrs old. He had his share of problems. That step father was insecure so I never received any positive feedback from him… Like i said the best thing was meeting my wife and her giving me a new life. We started out with nothing and got no support from my parents except a pushy mother and a father that took sides with mom and sister. Not saying that my wifes family is normal but at least they treat me like a human than my family treats my wife. In the beginning I never saw what was happening to my wife nor did i want to think my family would have this bad behaviour but after dad past away the true colors came out, my mom was really doing the narcissistic triangle with my sister and I. I gave my Sister a final chance as she saw mom for who she is, (my wife said she was not getting sucked in but i had to try for myself to give my sis a second chance) then when things got better for my sister with my mom then she turned on me so after 11 yrs we have not spoken. Mom now likes to be one in the middle now pinned my sister and I against each other the whole golden and scapegoat… i am going to be 50 this year and want to live the rest of my life healing and free of this… I have gone through years of BS with these people..
I really feel for you. I congratulate you for seeing and choosing to see the way your family treated your wife. Most husbands turn the other cheek. I have read before if a parent pins siblings against each other that is a form of abuse.
I married the man I have loved for 7 years just 2 years ago. His oldest sister never made any attempt to know me from day one. She has humiliated me in front of a group of her friends. She made passive aggressive comments to me for years. Several times I felt she tried to create a wedge between my boyfriend (he’s my husband now) and I. I went to great lengths to try to become her friend. Conversations based around her, her kids, her life for years. I have had several several several breakdowns crying.. leaving her house crying in my car… having blow out fights with my husband about her cruelty towards me…Ive gone to counseling. I’ve tried talking with her telling her how much she’s hurt me. My husband has tried talking to her. Each time she’s defensive and nasty. She does not make any attempt with me. She was in our wedding and made it obvious she wanted nothing to do with it. Complained to her mother about how hard our wedding was on her because she has kids. My mother in law had a sit down talk with me three days before our wedding to tell me how difficult our wedding was for her daughter because she has kids. The mother in law also said in a round about way I can’t come between their family the way her sister in law did. (my mother in law and her brother were close until he got married and she told me I can’t do that to her son and her daughter) Every bad behavior of my sister in laws is backed up with ”well i have kids.” When I first moved into their town with her brother.. she hadn’t seen me in a year. She was on a walk and was directly across from me on the sidewalk and turned the other way and did not say a word. She told me the reason she didn’t greet me was because she was pregnant. My husband and her now have no relationship at all…and of course no relationship with me. We didn’t attend family Christmas last year because I couldn’t handle the stress. The poor relationship with the oldest sister has trickled down into my relationship with the mother and the younger sister. I dont trust any of them. I feel left out a lot. I don’t feel loved or accepted. I could go on and on forever, but the point is the pain I feel has been 7 years too long. :'( They all have eachother in this city we live in.. I have no family here…and this in law family hasn’t embraced me or ever once told me they were happy I married their brother. I feel as if I have no one. All I wanted was to have a new family and friends. The youngest sister only talks to me if she needs me to babysit. Otherwise for seven years the sisters haven’t gotten to know me. They talk about themselves the entire time I ever see them. Another reason I do not feel cared about.
Why does it bother me so much and effect my happiness SO much that I don’t feel welcomed, loved, cared for, supported from my husband’s family? Why do I care? I’ve been trying to brush off the pain and hurt from not being unincluded, mean emails, passive aggressive comments, the sister trying to create a wedge between my husband and I by telling him I talk ”sh*t” about him. Why do I care? Why can’t I brush it off? I have my own family who loves me. Why do I so badly want to feel a part of my husband’s? Why is this so hard?
I know what you mean! I am married 6 years and my mother in law hates me. She is a narcissist and has turned my husband’s entire family against me. He has two relatives who hate the mother too and silenty side with me but are nice to her face. That helps to have “some” support. At every family gathering I get dirty looks from the in laws I don’t even talk to. MIL makes snide comments to me. Every time. But now I just don’t care if they like me. Caring is the most powerful reaction they want. I have tried to be nice and to heck with them. I do the bare minimum like see them at family functions and our son had a relationship with them. They are so pissed that I don’t care about them. I would say in the past year I really let go of the hurt and accepted there is nothing I can ever do to please them. Some people thrive on drama and gossip. It totally sucks when you marry someone and you want to be welcomed. I hope one day you can finally come to a place in yourself when you know it is truly not you. Don’t get sucked into that negativity they spew. Rise above it. They live and choose to be living in a negative place. You can be happy and free because you choose to be. Repeat, there is nothing I can do to make my in laws like me. I release myself from trying to please them. It is their choice to be nasty but I don’t chose to live like that.
Hope that you know you are a good person and can seek other relationships in your life of support and encouragement. It just won’t be your in laws.
Hope W., I feel the same exact way! That’s how I stumbled on this article and your comment. I am in a mess with my in-laws and it breaks my heart. I don’t even like them as people that much, but feeling left out is something I just can’t seem to deal with or brush off.
Valerie,
I came across this post and it’s very comforting to read all these messages (although, also sad). I’m like you – I struggled so much with all the wondering and tears wondering how people could be so cold and mean to me when all i’ve tried to show them is respect and kindness. I re-hashed every interaction with them over and over again in my head – trying to figure out why they were being so unkind and unwelcoming. My husband’s family is very different than me and mine (they’re fundamentalist christians – who are very judgemental of people who are not like them, homeschooled nieces the works) – but I was still always warm and gracious and respectful of them. I always thought my in-laws would have as much curiosity, generosity, and a warm heart – as I pictured myself being towards them. Not the case. It’s sad because I think we all have some expectations and the more you try, the more hurtful their actions become.
You mention, I don’t even like them that much – it’s the same for me. I know we’ll never get on like peas and carrots – but I did hope we could be polite and gracious towards one another.
My sister framed it this way (after hearing me go on and on about all of it for some time) she basically said, i’m upset that you’re allowing yourself to get so upset and be so consumed by people who really, probably give two shits about you. She asked me, do you think they’re sitting there giving you as much time as your giving them?! Absolutely not.
At that point, though it does bother me – i told myself i have to honor myself and trust my gut and their passive aggressive and rude comments and behaviors – and feel valid enough to not be around it.
I told my husband two days before we were going to fly to see them (they live in another state), that I wasn’t going to visit them. There is no point in being around people who make you feel upset and leave you feeling depleted. From that decision on, I have stopped making an effort with them. I will be cordial and send birthday cards, mothers day cards etc – but they are just surface and the bare minimum – but I ensure I’m still respectful. People who care or want to try to have a relationship with you don’t treat people this way. It’s as simple as that.
My husband showed up to their house alone, and had a chat with them – essentially saying, your love can’t be conditional – and ur not so warm with my wife and we both have seen it.
Reverse the power play. Is ir unfortunate and sad? To miss out on so many
more people who I thought I could love, and would love me – sure. But really, I’d never hit it off with these people anyway, and when they’ve just been mean – well we’re all adults, and if I know better than to ever treat someone the way they’ve treated me, they should know better too. Keep your distance, be short, but be polite. Bare minimum. Eventually, you’ll start to feel more powerful rather than powerless. Actions speak volumes. They’ll eventually see it. And at the end of the day, it’s their loss – because they’re the ones missing out.
Hey there Meg!
I resonate so much with your post except my husband is you and I’m the one with the fundamentalist Christian family. My Mother is as self righteous as you can get and it’s their way or no way. I’m wondering how you’re doing 6 months down the track – has it gotten easier for you? I really feel for my husband who has done everything he can to be loving and kind toward them but I feel that’s coming to an end. And now the opposite (anger, frustration) is starting to emerge. Sigh!
I need some advise. I have been dating my wonderful boyfriend for just over 3 years now and we have a little 7 month old child. Ever since coming home from the hospital after having our child his family does not include me in any text, calls or conversation. The first thing they want to do when seeing us is take our child out of my arms, it’s as if they only wanted a grandchild and I’m no use anymore. They only text my boyfriend asking for pictures of our child and call him asking how he is and our child. I feel rejected and heartbroken. At this point I don’t feel comfortable having them see our child. What do I do? I hate feeling this way.
I can relate because my in laws want nothing to do with me either. We don’t have a child yet but I know that is exactly what will happen when we do. It’s hurtful for people to feel like they don’t exist, no matter who is making them feel that way. Even if the most evil person didn’t include someone, they’d feel hurt! You’re not alone.
I so looked forward to having a family when I married my husband, since I have no siblings or parents. My husband has accused me of being too sensitive and perhaps he is correct. However, before we were married I guess I went out of my way too much, to folks who are not accustomed to going out of their way. When we got married, we received TWO cards, and both were from my kids. None from his family members at all. Yes, they said congrats on FB which is so easy to do, but did not take the time to send a card. I have always taught my kids, both my own and those I taught to always treat others the way you would like to be treated so, I try to live my own life that way. Sadly, this is not the case with many. It seems that, at every turn, I am excluded from family facebook pages, am not wished a Happy Birthday, and it feels like they look for things to prove that I am not “up to par’ with them. My husband has not helped the situation because he has not spoken to his daughter when she has been ugly to me. He says always that she is “good and would never say that”. I have the emails and he refuses to read them. When I felt like my son was disrespecting my husband, I spoke to my son and told him that I would not allow him to treat my husband poorly, ever. I frankly am over the ugliness with them. However, I am very disappointed in my husband for not standing for me. His daughter has gone so far as to insinuate that my husband talks to her about us and our disagreements. He denies it. She also took some of what he said to her and twisted it so it seemed like I had said something that I had NEVER said. My husband told me that he NEVER told her what she wrote to me. Of course, then, he did NOT take her to task. I am so disappointed in him and actually dread now, being around his family, because everything I say or don’t say is twisted.
That is a tough situation. My situation is slightly different in that my husband can never stand up to his parents for me. My parents in law do very subtle things like say we love you to me in front of my husband and then they will snub me at my birthday or Mother’s Day. After years I finally understand that for my husband to confront his family would shred his soul. He was raised a certain way very different than me. They guilt the heck out of him and trained him not to talk back. I am not excusing your husband not standing up for you. But, it will effect your marriage negatively if you keep forcing him to take your side. Imagine if your husband said to you, you need to go to your parents and tell them they are being mean to me. Ultimately you know it would create tension between all parties and resentment. This is just a thought experiment. But it might give some insight into why he would resist confronting his daughter. Now, having said that, you also have a right to set up boundaries for yourself. Don’t attend family functions as much. Don’t email or get into arguments with his daughter. Be firm and polite but distant. Respect is earned and if his family does nothing for you, you are not obligated to do anything for them. Or, you can chose to do the right thing (send cards for their birthdays even though they ignore you). Do the bare minimum. You are showing your kids by example what good manners are if nothing else. Believe me, it stinks. My in laws snub me whenever they can. Nothing would make them happier than to see discord in our marriage so I refuse to let them win. Every time they cause you and your husband to fight. They win. The best professional advice I got from having to deal with my nasty in laws is to focus on making my own marriage strong and loving and let them be nasty and not respond or give them energy. Be the best mom and wife you can be. Your husband will naturally start to want to protect you the less you force him to take sides. Sorry for long post! I hope my advice helps!
what if your child are being rejected by your husband’s family?how does it feel..
i mean my child is not my husband child..but he treat him like its own. at the beginning they treat my child like fine. they accepted my situation but then my brother in law have his child in progress. ive heard they talking and said that my child is different from the coming baby. it hurts a lot. i thought that they accept and love my child like their own. hearing those words break my hurt..like really. im scared for my son for being rejected causs i cant give all the love he needs. what can i do.
You can’t force anyone to do anything in terms of making your in laws love your child. There a lot of people who have grandparents who show no interest in their grandchildren for example. It is a pity and sad but the best thing you can and must do is just be there 100% for your child. You can always make sure your child knows they are loved by you first. I would try and keep an open mind towards your in laws. They are going through a transition with your brother in laws baby coming along. Be polite and friendly and just stay calm and be patient before reacting. You can never take back harsh words so just wait it out.
Our family is going through a change right now. My grandmother is 92 years old and seems like she is about to transition over to her spiritual state. My wife has usually been ok when it comes to meeting my family, but over time it seems like she is more distant. She is Indian and in her culture, we are EXPECTED to meet the family, especially elders. So with my grandmother reaching her heavenly transition, we are having a lot of family coming from everywhere to see her. It’s difficult at times because our house has become like a revolving door with people in and out which is hard for my wife because she isn’t used to that. She has a LARGE family, but mine is a bit larger. I’m Latino, and in my culture, we are used to big families. I grew up, like so many others I know, with friends and family coming over all the time. Almost like an open door policy, but not quite THAT open. Lol. But now she is not wanting to meet anymore family. My mother never asks her for much, but today she asked my wife to meet my mothers uncle and cousins whom she hadn’t seen in years because it meant the world to her. My wife said no because she had a migraine. My mother’s feelings were hurt. Had that been me, my wife would have had my head on a platter and made me suck it up and be “respectful”, especially if it was HER mother asking me to meet family. I was so shocked that she would behave or even think this way, especially knowing how important it is to me that she meet my family and vise versa. I’ve NEVER made an excuse to not meet her family. Whether I was comfortable or not, (because many times I don’t even understand their language) I’ve ALWAYS been respectful in that area, especially since I KNOW how important things like these are to her. I just wish she would see it the same way she wants me to be for her. I’m pretty hurt right now, and angry. I don’t know how to approach this respectfully without it turning into a full blown argument. I want for us to be on the same page. :/
My husband and I used to have this argument a lot in our marriage. My in laws are generally very judgmental and unfriendly. I don’t like being around them. I used to make excuses to try to avoid seeing them. But it really upset my husband. I feel if one cares about their marriage, one must make sacrifices. I learned to toughen up and be present to support my husband. You should show your wife this message. You can explain to her and remind her that you go to all her family get together and it would be nice if she gave you the same support. My husband does not expect me to attend all of his family things. Nor do I expect him to attend everything. Everyone needs their space and downtime. So try and pick the get togethers based on prioritY and the special occasion meter. The balance has worked well for my husband and I.
I come a liberal family where we believe in dreams, studies for both girls and boys. BUt i got an in laws where daughter in laws should remain in kitchen all the time. I’m stressed out.
My husband cannot confront them.
You can’t change anyone’s else beliefs. You live your life and never apologize or ask for permission from anyone else. Let your in laws have their conservative views and definitely don’t ask their opinion on anything. If they make comments about your life and choices keep changing the subject. Don’t take the bait so to speak.
I am so proud that you ladies are opening up about bullying and suffering you have gone through for years. I never defined my suffering for many years and just lived in depression and feeling guilty all the time that I must have done something wrong. I got married in a joint family and always faced shunning, disrespect and bullying. I tried having some space in their hearts but always lost the game. After so many years and recently I have lost my cool and am giving dead silent treatment to all. As per in law RULES, now I am the worst woman on this planet who has no manners!!!!!! but I am very happy that they are getting what they deserve. I do feel bad sometime but I continue getting stronger day by day.
I got on well with my in-laws, or so I thought up until last year when my mother in-law passed away. The day after the funeral, my sister in-law went ballistic at my husband and I, saying we had no idea how hard her life is. She physically assaulted my husband, verbally abused me and scared our children. We fled and I no longer want anything to do with her. It was like 16 years of pent up venom was unleashed. My brother in-law has also “ghosted” us and we have had virtually no contact in the past year. He and my husband were once very close and he used to come and stay with us with his daughter, every two years (we live in a different country) but it’s like he’s cut us off.
We have no idea what we have done and I feel desperately sad for my husband. I was so affected by it, I had six months of counseling. My husband says he has no answers, and despite his attempts to reconnect with his siblings he is fresh out of ideas.
He has no interest in returning to his home country and wants to become a citizen of where we are now.
It’s been hard, but time does help, eventually.
We’ve learnt accept that the issue lies with them and we are fed up with feeling guilty over something we have no control over.
I stumbled on a site tonight that had a really great podcast talking about dealing with in law troubles. I can’t post a link here for whatever reason. Google key words: yay with me in law holiday nightmares. Highly recommend listening to!
This is especially difficult for me. My ex of 2 years just broke up with me, because he felt pressure to be the middleman between myself and his parents.
His father told him that he would not sacrifice the happiness of the whole family for him. I think this maybe was what made him reevaluate the situation and choose not to be with me anymore.
His parents never made an effort to try and like me, which made me intimidated. I then explain to my ex that I was willing to sit down and speak to them about the way I was feeling and try and move forward, so that I could be with him. He told me that they would never change.
I don’t know what to do. The excuse I was given in the end was that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, with anyone. And because of the way his parents were, he didn’t think he could ever be in a relationship with me again.
He chose his family’s opinion over his love for you. Personally he sounds like a weak guy. You deserve way better than that! Seriously though. you can do way better. I mean it.
I can definitely relate! Me and my fiancé will be getting married next month, his mothers side of the family hasn’t reached out to us our whole engagement. His mother use to like me but when his brother got this new gf and she got pregnant within three months, she became the favorite. And turned the mother against me because I’m friends with one of her boyfriends ex’s. We had been friends a long time. They have threw her a gender reveal, two baby showers. And no showers for us. It does make me sad for my fiancé because he and his mom were once close. Being engaged is a big deal, I don’t have a lot of family, my mom died when I was young and really all I have is my dad. So we are missing out on a lot of traditional wedding things.
I am very sorry to hear that. You deserve better but unfortunately many mother in laws (mine included) are selfish and childish. It is not fair. All you can do is cherish anyone in your life (your dad, your friends) that are supportive. They are ultimately the only ones that truly matter.
It’s just really hurtful because you want everyone to be happy for you but they only seem to be happy with his brother and the baby moma.
I have been there! I let my in laws ruin my wedding with their stinky attitudes. If I could go back and just focus on the good people I wish I had. I know it is hard but these people will never ever change. I am trying not to neglect the good people who care. When you are focused on the toxic people, you are missing out on moments and memories with those that do care. That has been my experience at least.
I feel your pain …I have been with my kids dad for 5 years and his mom and brothers hate me never accepted me due to the fact they accept his ex his first baby momma his mom makes it a point to talk me that’s her one and only daughter in law they put her 2kids on a pedistool comment on social media she’s daughter sis how much they love her but if I comment on his bro stuff or his brothers bm page they won’t even like it they usually delete the whole post I done commented on it really breaks my heart bc I’m totally treated like shit my kids don’t feel important bc they never reach out to ask how they are or anything their only cordial if their at his moms when he wud make us go his family makes me feel unwelcome belittled unimportant and I know every time I leave the room aptmnt or anything their talking about me she’s even told me to my face when I asked her why she don’t like me she said bc I ain’t shit and ain’t ever gone be shit which hurts bc I work take care of my kids which is 5 girls 4 are his idk and his first baby momma makes sure she rubs it in his mom them say she his bread and butter hea only with me bc he feel sorry for my (our) kids and that she wud take him back in a heartbeat and they made it clear that my kids are not her kids younger siblings that she only accepts one of my husbands kids that mine ain’t shit and I’ve had plenty of fights with him and he tells me stop stressing over it that I’m insecure bc I told him it hurts bc I’m the one being laughed at while their delusional giving her hope making her feel like she’s that bitch like I’m nothing idk I feel like maybe I’m never gone be accepted and that I’m just a joke to them even tho her son lives me desperately bc he chose me over her but no one else sees it …and I’ve always tried to be nice to fit in join in but I’m talked over and ignored especially on facebook …I’ve told my husband I cnt take it I don’t wanna be round them I no longer comment but I see them nd his first bm going back and forth like she’s his wife and I’m nothing ….what should I do bc I’m at my wits end I’ve done voiced my opinion to her before not to long ago when she said so many mean hurtful things to me but I need advice bc I can’t handle being an outcast bc he’s close to his mom and brothers …
My MIL has been hateful to me (and at times to my kids) for over 23 years. About 8 months ago, I finally told her that I no longer wish to have a relationship with her. This was the result of years of my husband not standing up to his mom’s cruelty toward me and the kids. He was peacefully oblivious to it. When he finally attempted to stand up for us, his mom refused to be accountable. She gave only excuses and made no to attempt to change her rudeness. So when I told her that I no longer wanted anything to do with her, it hurt me that my husband decided to continue his relationship with her. Am I being greedy by expecting his support? It really hurts me that he is planning a vacation to hang out with his parents, who both have done little more than use us…while he claims to have no time or money for a vacation with me.
I commend you for standing up for yourself! I absolutely can’t stand my mother in law. Our child is young but down the line when he is older I plan to cut off contact with her too. My husband is very passive and is afraid of his mother. There are a number of things at play. While you are probably justified in wanting to cut off contact, it is really hard for your husband because this is mother. Even though she is a nasty person who deserves no kindness (right?!). We all want our parents Love I would imagine. I try and keep this in mind as my husband is the type of guy who wants to be a great son. Plus you don’t want the emotional burden of forcing your husband to chose between you and his family. You can tow the line for yourself and say I personally am not going to put up with the crap. Let your husband chose and eventually he is going to get fed up with his mother I bet you just on his own. But that’s his thing and his choice. Hope I helped. I am just speaking from my experience.
I should have noted that is not to good that your husband is planning a vacation with his parents and does not do much with you vacation-wise. I would definitely talk to him and say this is very hurtful and what is he going to do about it. It sounds like marriage counseling might help. You have a right to be treated with respect and priority as the wife.
So pleased to have stumbled across this site
The pain I feel is real and raw
I’ve been married to my second husband for over 10 years although, we have been together for nearly 20.
We have 5 wonderful children between us but none together, all now in their 20’s and a strong marriage
We have worked hard to blend the family and all 5 children consider one another siblings. I’m a good mum to them all and we love them to pieces.
My husbands first marriage ended with his first wife’s many affairs which left my husband broken. It took a lot to gain his trust back at first whenever I went out without him.
His ex was not in touch with the family apart from children’s birthdays etc. …… she didn’t bother us at all, was happy for us to have the children so she would go out and party.
It was all very civil
Everyone was happy, and it was the same with my own ex husband
Everything was normal until my MIL became ill a couple of years ago…. we’d been together now 17 years
Ex wife who had not been on the scene anymore than normal started popping up all over. Photos started appearing on Facebook of her an MIL & FIL out at various places.
She does have both her own parents but seemed to want to cuckoo back into my husbands parents.
They didn’t tell us they were seeing her but we found out from the children or Facebook newsfeed.
We’d go round and she’d let herself in and make a cup of tea etc….. now had a key to the family home
My husband asked what was going on and they said the past was in the past and they’d decided to welcome her into the family again and that they wished she was still their DIL and if he hadn’t married me, she would still be. I had nothing to do with their breakup. She was already living with another guy when I met my husband. Heaven knows what she told them but I was the scarlet woman in their eyes
My husband told them it was hurtful and disrespectful, the answer was from FIL if you don’t like it don’t come then ?
She was by now being referred to as the DIL and I’d been downgraded to son’s wife.
PIL spent Christmas at ex & new partner’s home even though all the children were elsewhere and they were invited to both ours and BIL home……where two other grandchildren were
Their sons absolutely doted on them, literally couldn’t do enough and were on 24 hour beck and call, all expected but husband and BIL are very good men and didn’t complain ever
MIL went into hospital and we went to visit to be told she was ok DIL with her …..it was ex.
To cut a long story short MIL passed away just before Christmas, ex didn’t even give my husband or his brother chance to sit with their mum whilst in her coffin the night before the funeral at the family home.
She just let herself into FIL house and started crying and wailing, husband was very upset and annoyed.
Me and SIL just had to go outside to not say anything, the timing wouldn’t have been right
We thought after the funeral that she might slip back into the background. My FIL is still active, plays golf etc and not exactly housebound, has loads of friends…… it has got much worse.
We found out she’d cleared out MIL personal belongings, deciding what should be given to whom etc, including jewellery and other sentimental items that husband and BIL had bought her.
She helped him decide on the decor as the whole house has been redecorated to her taste.
Chose his new bed and furnishings (all without telling us)
Cleared out the whole house, including photos etc deciding what to do with them
The last straw for us was finding out that he’d booked a 2 month holiday to Australia to see my husbands son who now lives there with ex. Without saying a word! .
They’d stayed in apartment separately from my step son and girlfriend. There were photos being updated daily of ex and FIL arms round each other, touring Australia, NZ and stops overs in Singapore
I feel a sense of burning rage and humiliation and so hurt it’s untrue
The ex humiliated and belittled my husband to the extent he can’t be sure one of his children is his own and here she is again flaunting herself with his dad …. who frankly seems to adore having a younger woman on his arm
So stuck in this horrible situation, we don’t want to cause a rift in which our children will take sides but not sure how to tackle this
I’m in tears most days now, the feelings of betrayal are very real, the humiliation is public
FIL makes no bones about it, he prefers her to his own children and me well, I don’t figure in his thoughts at all now, yet he expects my husband to do what ever he asks, and if I’m of use then he’s intouch instantly.
My husband is not a pushover but the old man is selfish beyond belief and still manages to bully his boys and still appear like this wonderful grandad to his grandsons
SIL and BIL have him round for meals …. I’ve put my foot down and only invite him on specail occassions as all he talks about is her (ex) not his wife but her
Heartbroken 😔
I moved a long distance to be with my boyfriend and his parents are divorced. All three of the other members of his intermediate family are single. I’ve felt a ton of judgement over the smallest things from them, and have turned to keeping things to myself more, sharing it with my boyfriend when need be and watching my back instead of mixing in with the drama that comes from being closer to them. My parents have been together a long time and are so much more open and loving with my boyfriend, so this all hurts even more because I now live so far away from them. My birthday was last week, and not a single one of his intermediate family members told me Happy Birthday. I’ve never felt so shunned from someone Im dating’s family. They act nice to my face, but I strongly believe now that they are jealous of the time him and I spend together, instead of with them. I will never forget how they made me feel on my birthday last week. I love my boyfriend and we actively have been putting the time and effort into accommodating each other’s lives and loving each other a little more every day… but last week really hurt. I don’t want to say anything to him because he is protective of his family, being the oldest child… and the one in between his mom and dad’s constant fighting before they got divorced. He is more sensitive to yelling and fighting because of it, and one of the first things he told me when I met him, a few years ago, was that he does not want someone who is like his mom, and that his parent’s fighting was horrible when he was growing up, and never wants anything like that. He is a kind and gentle soul, but I can see how confrontation and yelling voices have affected his personality now. He’s been talking more and more about us getting married and having kids one day, and I feel bad that his family is so out of tune with how much we love each other. If they heard even half of the conversations we have about our future, felt the passion we have for each other, or listened to our laughing and play with each other, I don’t think we’d be in this situation. I feel that they are the type to solely focus on the bad things. I am not a quitter, and I believe in fighting for what I love. So does my boyfriend, and they don’t understand anything because I don’t feel they want to try. The bf and I used to differ a good amount with how we communicated with each other, but have been doing well lately and have practiced better communication, trust, and effort. Last week was hard for me, hearing from friends and family all over the country, but nothing from his side. I feel very alone thinking about it.
I can relate! I get the old snub every birthday from my nasty in laws too. But my friend said it best. Don’t let them know it bothers you. It is pure joy to these miserable people to see others sad and upset. Unfortunately when you marry your boyfriend it won’t change. They won’t become nicer. But you and your boyfriend can go on with your lives and tolerate them occasionally. Just be polite but know that they will never be kind or welcoming. Be apathetic and try to separate your attachment to wanting to be accepted. It does stink but some people are just unhappy with life. At least your future husband would be marrying into a nice family, right? My family is very accepting and kind. My husband never has to feel judged or unwelcome. He is not close with his family. What you give to life is what comes back.
So grateful to hear all these stories. We’ve been married 20 years and we’re high school sweethearts. In laws never accepted me and in fact after 9 years + of dating wouldn’t allow me in family photos and told my husband to date around because we’d been together so long. I knew they didn’t like me then but made many many efforts to change that including after we were married living with them on two different occasions (at my husbands request) while I was pregnant!!!! His work took us close to their home so we lived with them in the short term even though I was NOT comfortable at all with that situation. It was fine.and we all seemed to get along until I realized they are extremely passive aggressive…..and extrememly worried about appearances….they represent a perfect family….they continually did hurtful things we were excluded from trips with his other siblings very hurtful. They never would visit us except once a year basically even after kids even though we asked them to come as often as they like. They only call my husbands phone never our home phone. If I made an effort to call them to be nice….they would make it a point to get off I’m not even joking after 10 mins!! I think they set a timer!!! They would literally cut me off mid question. “How is the weather down the…..oh you have to go okay” Now years later and much much older I have completely stopped trying to reach out in any way and in fact don’t really want to see them. They still come once a year fine. feels like I tried and it was just hopeless. I also (and this may be wrong) feel very strongly that my husband spending holidays and so on without me with them is completely off limits. That’s exactky their dream to not have me around after years and years of trying I’m not sacrificing a holiday or vacation with my kids who will leave the nest so they get exactly what they always wanted me not around!
My in laws have disrepected me in many ways that i couldnt put in to words. My husband and i loved each other and eversince we got married my in laws have been bullying me along with the maids at home. Though they wouldnt admit that what they did is bullying because they dont want to be the bad guys. We lived with my in laws together bu the way. They accused me of speaking badly about my mother in law but the truth is i only stated the fact of what she had wanted. For example she dont want us to hire a nanny for our newborn child salary more than 4k and that is the truth and my mother was looking for a nanny and said to raise the offer a bit since its hard to look for a nanny with the offer too low so i replied that my mother in law wont allow it. Then the war have began. They went into my room angrily saying that im trying make my in laws look like a bad person. And they was one time im trying to connect with my in laws so whatever great opportunity i got i always share with them or tell them. Like recently i thought selling things online with this so-called app. Then i shared to them how i did what i did and my ideas and opinion. And guess what they did. They copied me. Hey sell what im selling. They get supplies from my supplier. They marked down the prices compare to mine. And to think we were living in the same house and its me who shared to them i didnt think they could backstab me like this since i treated them like a family and what they showed me is like im just some stranger inside the house giving them ideas. And ofcourse i complained and i expect them to apologize but what they said back to me is that they have been thinking online selling for very long time its just that i did it first. Omg im gonna burst. So eversince then i treated them like a stranger as well. Like im gonna do the same you do to me. But they wont let me. They usually isolate me inside the house and the family. I stood stromg still. Slowly i started to ignore them naturally. And guess what. They said im the one who disrespect them. Its so tiring.
Where do I even start. My wife and I have been married for 27 years and my mother-in-law is still waiting for us to divorce. When we met we fell in love and married 3 months later. We’ve had a very good life but not without its trials. When we decided to get married we went to her parents to tell them. What I got from her father was, “If you came here looking for our blessing, you haven’t got it.” I set the tone for how the relationship would develop when I replied, “I didn’t come here looking for your blessing. I came to invite you to the wedding but if you don’t want to come that’s your decision.” Things over the years have adversarial ever since. My two sons from my previous marriage have never been a part of their family and I am just as glad. I wouldn’t dream of subjecting them to the abuse I have had to deal with. My wife’s father passed away several years ago and her mother insists that she just can’t be alone on a Sunday so virtually every one of them is spent by myself. I enjoy my own company but I have to stay home because I know if I don’t I’ll be accused of cheating on my wife with someone by my mother-in-law. My first marriage was so bad that it really makes me appreciate the woman I married this time. I would never cheat on her. I know my mother-in-law has told people things that were totally untrue about me. I try very hard to keep the peace but it gets more difficult all the time. She is verbally and emotionally abusive to my wife every time she visits her. I should have explained earlier that I am 70 and my wife is 68. Her mother tells everyone that she has no one to help her. I have had 2 strokes and my wife is an insulin dependent diabetic. What we are able to do is extremely limited and what we manage to accomplish is never the way she would have liked it to be done. The woman is 84 and she actually believes that every man, no matter what their age, is attracted to her. Every time we ask her to go shopping with us outside of our town she refuses and then complains to family and friends that we never take her anywhere. She really resents it if we go go out of town for the day and turns on her poor little me to make my wife feel guilty about leaving her by herself. I suppose this will be our lot in life until she passes on.
“My wife and I have been married for 27 years and my mother-in-law is still waiting for us to divorce…”…sounds like my SIL and her husband’s situation after over 20 years of marriage where my in-laws are STILL preferring her to divorce her husband…lol…yes it does sound funny and strange. But, frankly I DON’T pity her because not only is it her choice to remain in her marriage (as it’s more than high time my in-laws just face it and deal with it) but it seems she doesn’t set boundaries with her parents.
Read this book, it will help you heal:
Healing from Hiden Abuse by Shannon Thomas
That looks like a great and helpful book!
I’m glad I found this site! Well let me start off that I have been with my husband for 5 years. His intermediate family is very snotty. His sisters have always been stand-offish and have bullied me and said very nasty stuff to my face and behind my back which is not true. I’ve tried multiple times to have relationships with them, but I’m finely done of trying. After our 5th year together we finally got married. The tune has changed with one of my SIL’s and I’ve received an apology after all these years. And quite honestly I’m mad and I don’t feel like forgiving her. She made it awful for me for years and I just want my space. I don’t appreciate how I’ve been treated. I love my spouse a lot and he’s always told them off and defended me. I’m working on me, my love and my life because life is too short to spend time with miserable people who are so self absorbed. He’s done with them, he hates the way they’ve treated me, their relationship with him is done and I think they know that now, that’s why this b*tch is trying to change her tune!
I know this may not want to be what you want to hear. I would mend fences if someone reaches out. You don’t have to best friends and definitely keep any personal info private. Boy what I would not give to hear my arrogant in laws own their “stuff” and say sorry. If this person is genuinely sorry, I would try and consider it. That is my two cents.
I don’t know if I will get any responses but it’s nice to know I am not alone.
23 yrs later and I feel lonely and alone in the marriage. MIL and SIL very passive and never liked me, used me and placed a bet on me(how much will it take before I would yell at the SIL, that was the bet). I would watch SIL’s kids(she has 5). I would feed them, bathe them(even when SIL was present), watch them. I would here them talk down to my husband. I got threatened… if I didn’t keep him happy I would have to answer to them (don’t know if that’s normal or not). MIL would never talk to me, when we went to visit she would avoid me or sit in the corner in the dark and not speak. I sent MIL wedding pictures and she never put them up. She actually told my husband that I never sent them, and he believed her! MIL and SIL would take advantage of my husband emotionally. MIL would push her religion on my husband and tell him he’s the man of the house, that we need to do what he tells us. When they needed money he would just give it to them.I went to see in laws with my husband because of my kids. If we didn’t have kids I wouldnt want to see them, is that bad of me? My husband never stuck up for me, he told me I was lying, exaggerating, etc. I cried so many tears for so many years. I never knew why they didn’t like me. Finally a year ago, MIL told why she didn’t like me. ..I disrespected my mom??? I was never the one to disrespect my mom. Not sure where she got that from because she was barely around my mom. I asked my mom and my mom couldn’t believe that MIL would say that. Again, husband believed his mom. There’s no winning. 23 yrs and marriage counseling later still don’t care for them. Husband somewhat understands but still tries to get me to be with his family. My girls are grown and I realized I don’t have to deal with in laws anymore, and my thought of “it’s about my happiness” is causing friction in the marriage. We don’t get invited anywhere by the in laws. They don’t need my husband for money anymore so we don’t hear from them much. Husband is all butt hurt that his family is like this and doesn’t really put much energy into our marriage. When things aren’t right with his family our marriage suffers. I do think, if I knew all this about his family would I have married him? I have told him, I would’ve waited for your family to treat me with respect and to see you stick up for me. And after 23yrs, it’s hard to say I’m leaving. I stopped working 23 yrs ago to raise my kids. I don’t have the money to be on my own. I feel I am stuck in an unhappy marriage, with a husband who doesn’t emotionally connect with me and doesn’t, to this day, know how to stick up for me properly. What to do?
I really feel for you on this as there is NOTHING worse than a partner who doesn’t take your side, luckily my partner is the opposite but if he wasn’t I’m not sure we would be together especially knowing how evil and dangerous his family are.
The good thing is your children are grown and even if they weren’t you have no obligation to surround yourself around them. You have a choice to completely stay away so it’s a good thing you don’t get invited to family events. Don’t let it control your happiness. Hubby should put you his wife first because I don’t think they realise just how hard and upsetting it is to be rejected by the family. I’m starting to think sil and mil are just designed to be jealous and possessive. X
Thank you for the confidence! I have told my husband I should’ve been first. He told me to not make him choose between his family or me 🙁 I was young and stuck in not knowing what to do, and still not knowing what to do. My mother does tell me that I deserve to be happy. So I try to find “me” again. It’s hard though. The confidence in myself has withered away ya know. I am not obligated to meet with his family, but when I stand my ground and say no, it’s like I just crushed my husband. So, in a way I do feel obligated. I feel trapped. And you are correct in saying SIL and mil are designed to be jealous and possessive. His family had a very hard life it was always just the three of them. And then here I come, happy to get to know them and marry my husband and from the wedding day they haven’t likes me. I am a Christian so it’s hard to say or do the “D” word. I need help to find “me” again and my happiness.
I completely understand, the same with me was just the three of them so they must hate me for taking him away. You really shouldn’t have to feel like this and hubby should support you. Have you tried fully explaining to him how much this is destroying you and your relationship with him?
Other than problems with the in-laws do you have a great relationship? If the problem is more your relationship perhaps you could both get some couples counseling. Don’t let his family win and break you up. Try first to fix you two and then if your still unhappy or he doesn’t sympathize with you it’s time to make a decision and put yourself first. I wake up every day upset because of them. We don’t speak and I don’t see them but the things they’ve said and issues they caused still upset me. Probably because we’re getting married and my fiancé is on his own and no other family members apart from dad who is divorced from mom to talk to.
I think the issues mostly stem around his family. I have told him how this is destroying our relationship. Finally after a couple of years I got him to agree to marriage counseling. He claims he understood what i have endures over the years but, like he always did, when he talks to his family or is around them he changes and forgets everything that we went to counseling for… no support on my end, emotional or otherwise. And then he pushes on to me that I need to go forward and be around his family with him because he has changed. I bought a Fitbit and my pressure rises when I hear about his family, or be around them. I showed him my pressure, because he use to think I would lie and sabotage when it came to his family, and I told him, that his family gives me anxiety and I won’t let them put me in a hospital.
I too cringe, get upset when I hear anything about his family. I start to tune him out when he talks about his family in any way. The marriage counselor also mentioned that I need to stop being a victim, not sure what that means or how I can do that. I was taking that comment offensively but maybe I was wrong because my husband now uses that comment towards me frequently when we argue.
Again, most of the issues are around his family but it’s so bad that I see that I start to see that that’s the way he is and I start not to like it. I get upset with myself for not seeing it earlier or for being young in love and foolish. So I tell myself, that’s how he is he hasn’t changed and I accepted before and now I feel that I am stuck with him. I try to find the positive of what attracted me to him, but the things I want now or need now in a spouse he isn’t giving. Or he tries to give and then expects something in return. And when not given, he says why even try. So everything is all mixed together but it did start off wrong. But I do deserve to be happy in this marriage but I want to be happy with him and it’s not happening.
I realize I am finding this post nearly a year later BUT FIRST…I don’t know if the SIL’s kids are still young BUT…I would NO LONGER MAKE MYSELF AVAILABLE FOR SIL ALL THE TIME…BIG mistake and that’s where you actually began to lose your respect even further because you are bending over backwards for people that don’t acknowledge your needs and place as your husband’s wife. Next, go ahead and let your husband have his time and space with his EXTENDED family…you’ve said your piece already and it’s not easy for him so it seems he is lashing out and feels torn. If he thinks you should spend time with them too, tell him you’ve already explained to him what’s been happening and you’re not going to go down that road with him anymore because both of you get upset…then, don’t talk anymore even if he does all the talking or yelling. Next, seriously…DO NOT BASE YOUR WORTH ON WHAT THEY THINK…in the end YOU are the person that steers the ship in YOUR house and YOUR LIFE. Your husband chose to marry YOU and your focus needs to be on yourself…it’s NOT their business. Also, BE GRATEFUL that they don’t invite you to their home or events because the idea is to create distance from them anyway so they make it easier for you…YES, appreciate the distance. You really don’t need to be too close with the likes of these types of individuals anyway, in-laws or not. Next, perhaps you need to start building a life outside of your husband…I mean even if it’s working part-time, starting an on-line business, taking some courses on-line or at the local community college towards certification in something that has always interested you or “just because” like learning another language, find a hobby, start your own social circle and do activities with them, do a combination of things from this list or ANYTHING…just start enhancing and focusing ON YOURSELF…get busy and start LIVING. If you choose to stay married, fine. But YOU HAVE to start making yourself available TO YOU…NOT YOUR SIL and HER kids or you MIL’S thoughts about you and frankly not even your husband’s role in ANY of this…get YOURSELF in order and you’ll be so distracted or busy, none of their shenanigans or thoughts about you would matter anymore. Besides, after 23 years, if they don’t get it yet that YOU are THE WIFE or respect you as such, THEY WILL NEVER GET IT so WHY continue to force it or cry about it? Start redirecting your energy and focus towards you and frankly…do a switch for a change and start becoming more indifferent or practice apathy as far as the in-laws are concerned…worked well for ME after 17.5 years of marriage ;-).
When I first met my mil she loved me, the sil.. not so much, she just seemed jealous as she is older than me, still lives at home with just the mil and they are both single. I have a great professional career and the mil always refered to me as her son’s beautiful partner, she thanked me for helping her son to mature. The first time I met the rest of the family i.e auntie’s and cousins was at a funeral, I said hello to everyone and we all sat quietly to listen to the sad speeches. Three years later the sil together with the mil told me the family do not like me because I seemed standoffish at the funeral !!! She informed me of this just after we got engaged. Both the mil and sil reduced me to tears, it was almost like an attack. The mil was also still upset we had decided to spend Christmas together in our own home without them rather than go round to her like we had done several years in a row! I was also a few weeks pregnant which nobody knew at the time of these home truths. They said various things to show me how much they had turned on me ever since we announced our engagement, I hadn’t actually done anything wrong I think the reality of us getting married set them off. I tried to involve them in all the planning and they both responded by saying they couldn’t attend my bridal shower because they don’t like wearing hats.. it was a mad hatter theme but hats were optional, they couldn’t come dress shopping or to the wedding show as they were working even though I informed them months in advance. I later cancelled the shower due to being pregnant, they just didn’t want to get involved. My fiancé loves me so much and when he tried to defend me they told him this can’t possibly be coming from him he’s being manipulated by me to actually be brave enough to defend me. We later announced our pregnancy thinking it would make a positive change but instead mil told him she thinks he’s making a mistake because there must be something wrong with me for getting upset that they told me the familly do not like me. That was heartbreaking to read as we are engaged and expecting our first baby and this is the response he gets. We hadn’t spoken for months, and fiance isn’t interested in them, not once have they asked how the pregnancy is going. One day I was fed up and explained to mil I am pregnant, very ill and no longer care what you all think of me as I’ve done nothing wrong. I added that I was pissed off everyone couldn’t be happier for us at such a magical time in our lives, new baby and beautiful wedding around the corner. They’ve all decided not to attend the wedding which means hubby will only have one family member his dad present. Cannot believe how selfish they are. I begged hubby to contact them to let them know when the baby is born come and visit us, the door is open.. but instead mil got on the phone to tell him I disrespected her by saying I was pissed off and he shouldn’t let me speak to her like that. Then she went on to say that he doesn’t know me, implying I have some form of bad reputation which is a complete lie. She was basically trying everything to turn him against me and blamed me for him not bothering with them. I don’t blame him for keeping his distance. They have proven now that they are dangerous and untrustworthy, they clearly don’t care about their first grandchild or nephew/niece either. As a result fiance has blocked them and so have i. It still upsets me and deep down I think mil and sil are like this because they think I have taken him away from them. He’s a very grown man and I think they struggle to accept we have our own life. Instead of just saying that they caused endless trouble which now is unforgivable and too late to repair. I personally want nothing to do with either of them.
Thank you for your story. I can relate to you as well. I have had similar situations, mil said I was rude and disrespectful but my husband didn’t stick up for me like yours did. Mil and SIL always needed financial help and one time when we couldn’t help cause we had our own children they didn’t speak to my husband for about a yr, that Lille’s my husband. They have always shown their true colors to me but my husband could and can’t ever see it. He still tries to convince me to just accept how they are. The thing is I have been accepting how they are but I just didn’t want to accept the disrespect towards me. And now I am trying to get my confidence back because my kids are grown now. And I know I don’t have to see them. But the thing is, I get hurt when my husband decides to see them or even if my kids decide to see them because then that shows me that they accept them treating me that way. How do I get pass that? I also think my mil and SIL are like this because I took the son/brother plus their financial savior. And yes, I think it is too late to repair as well but my husband tries to convince me otherwise. And he is very good at turning things around and make you doubt yourself. 🙁 this is 23 yrs guys… 23 yes of forcing the happiness, making it doable for the kids… uggh… idk
I don’t want anything to do with them either but my husband makes me sound like an evil person for saying that even though, he forgets I was dealing with their evil ways for many of years. I tell people that it’s like I was emotional abused. And I’m trying to find “Me”. Thank you for your story and how you approached it. Any more advice would be helpful
My daughter in law and now my mother in law have stonewalled me and won’t tell me why. They unfriended me on Facebook and did not return calls and our emails and text. My mother-in-law unfriended me not too long after I told her about how my daughter-in-law unfriended me on Facebook… I see it as some sort of control over me, a punishment of some sort?? But, again, I have no idea why. Anyway I’m sure that, well pretty sure I’ve done nothing wrong hopefully one day they will both come around.
My husband and I where unfriended by his aunt recently on Facebook. We hardly ever see these people and did not deserve this. Some people are so miserable that they thrive on this garbage. Your DIL and MIL have declared war on you by doing what they did. My advice is do not give in and go asking them what is wrong. Don’t give them any indication that you are bothered by their actions. I know it really hurt to be rejected by my in laws but these people are looking for a reaction. They truly get pleasure from seeing you squirm so to speak. You take the high road and if you have to see them be polite but do not mention Facebook. Are you close with these in laws? Have these ladies tried to hurt you before like this? If there is a definite pattern where they try and start trouble all the time, I would keep my distance. But if this is an unusual thing that they unfriended you, you could ask them. But honestly as grown adults to just unfriend you like that shows they are not of strong character. It was very cowardly of them. You know best if this a final catalyst to step away from them or a one off thing.
what hurt people the most is when you keep silent dont say nothing show up anyway at family functions just to fuck with them because of your presence and dont pretend to dislike them but show them love in front of them even though you dont like they ass either
My husband and I dated for 3 years before tying the knot. His mother and sister were never particularly forthcoming in attempts to get to know me (as in they never showed much interest in what I do for a living or my hobbies, etc), but they were always polite with a friendly smile.
The day of our wedding they both made it a point to say how much they loved me and that I’m family now. They said they’d be there for me when and if I needed them. I was extatic; I landed my soulmate and a loving family. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.
Cut to after the wedding. Here I am like a sap calling and texting to try to have some one on one time with my new in-laws. Months go by and every phone call and text is either ignored or the bare minimum is given (“sorry I haven’t gotten back to you, I’ve just been so busy. Maybe next time.”). We’ve been married for a year and a half and not once has there been one on one time with my in laws. My SIL lives in the same city and my MIL lives an hour away. So, distance really isn’t an issue.
To make matters worse family events are planned without me. I wasn’t informed of when we’d be getting together for Christmas (we all work the holiday so we celebrate on a different day) until day of. I felt like such a horrible person for showing up in my work clothes (I had to work that day, which they knew) and empty handed without gifts. It wasn’t until months later when my SIL said “if you can’t make it to family events, then you can’t make it. No big deal” that I realized that my presence isn’t even missed.
I’d been crying my eyes out for months already at this point. All the while telling my husband how excluded and lonely I felt. My husband informed his family that I felt excluded and their response was to continue to ignore me. All this just confirmed my suspicions.; I was never actually wanted. I never stood a chance. The game was rigged like a carrot on a stick that’s meant to keep you trying without there ever being a opportunity for you to even get the carrot.
The worst part is my husband (who has since said he only said it out of anger) has made it clear that if I can’t make it work with them, he’s divorcing me. That was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced; to be shunned by my in laws and to know he doesn’t have my back.
My husband now says he loves me and wants to make our marriage work. I’m terrified that my in laws will continue to treat me this way and that if I can’t stop feeling hurt my husband will just divorce me. I’m scared that if we have children and their personality or physical features resemble me more than my husband that they will also treat my children this way. Or that my children and husband will be loved and accepted and I’ll be the one that’s not invited or included; that I’ll just be the incubator that gave my husband children.
I don’t know how are why this happened. What did I do that warrants being ignored like this? What did I do that warrants being excluded and lonely? Is it normal for people to ignore family members (even newly added members) when you tell them that you feel excluded and lonely?
First of all it is not your fault your in laws don’t like you. Trust me on this. Some people are just naturally petty and jealous. The last thing you should ever do is go out of your way for these people. You tried in the past and they shot you down. Don’t keep putting yourself in the line of fire. If you have to see them be polite and do the bare minimum of what is required of you. I have been living this for the past eight years. My mother in law is a narcissist. You definitely can’t win with a narcissist. I would imagine a great many nasty in laws on here are narcissists. Honestly no matter how nice you are to your in laws they will never like or accept you. My husband is very passive. He was brought up to feel guilty for even being alive by his parents so he can’t confront them. He supports me by hardly talking with them and keeping things very surface when we see them once a month. In your case, it sounds like your husband is much closer to his family. This sounds harsh but if he has threatend divorce if you don’t like his family it means he has chosen his family and not you. If you have not had kids yet and things are this bad, you might want out. Marriage counseling might help you decide. I have been to counseling myself in the past and it is great to help you clarify what it is you are seeking and the best steps to take. I would highly recommend it if you can do it.
Thanks Lisa. We never fought prior to getting married; we were a well oiled machine. We had our individual lives and together life well figured out. It wasn’t until we got married and I tried to be closer to them (because they called me family and said they love me) that we started having marriage problems. It was so hurtful, and still is, when I tried connecting on a deeper level and was just met with resistance. My husband has since kept his distance from them because he knows it hurts me when he’s with them and they purposely say not the bring me around. I honestly don’t want that though. I wanted and still want to be a happy family together. I feel like they’ve already decided that I’m not going to be a family member though. There’s nothing I can do about that. I don’t understand how they say they love him (my husband), but can’t see that hurting me is hurting our marriage and hurting him.
I don’t want a divorce. I love this man so much. I guess some in laws are just like that though. I don’t want my husband to feel like he has to chose, I know how much he loves his mom and sister. And I initially felt bad, but now I don’t; I told him we (me and him) are a family now and this unit has to come first. That we need to figure out a game plan on how to deal with this situation if it persists. I’m hoping that hurt feeling just need time to settle and then we can address the issue with them at a later point, but I’m terrified that they will always be a thorn in our otherwise happy marriage. I’ll take your advice if that’s the case though Julia. I’ll just do the bare minimum. Though I know that may not be enough as I’m usually a happy bubbly person. They’ll know I’m putting up a front. I guess my husband will just have to understand that that is the best I can do if they continue to insist on excluding me. Again though, I’m hoping they’re just atill adjusting to the fact that he’s married now and that this new family unit he’s created with me will come first.
I am really struggling with this issue of in-laws not accepting me. My husband and I have been married many years. We met at church and are both Christians. My husband and I both grew up in very dysfunctional homes. I have received counseling and have worked through a lot of the issues. My husband has had some counseling, but hasn’t worked through so many issues. His family wants a relationship with my husband, but not me. Only one of them (my MIL) is a lukewarm believer and the rest are atheistic or agnostic. They hate that I am a Christian. They have manipulated and controlled my husband for years and sadly, he hasn’t stood up for himself or us. That is a confusing message when we do stand up to them. They have banked on the fact that my husband will go along with whatever they want (as he has always done in the past as he hates confrontation.)
The latest is over getting together for the holidays. We are choosing not to…my urging especially since our kids don’t want anything to do with them and fear being with them. They are all teens. When my husband called his father, he received comments that were just heartbreaking…”you need to be a man, for once in your life; this isn’t you talking (they think it is all me); and I am very disappointed in you.”
This is even more complicated as both his parents were divorced and remarried. His father has been in a lot of trouble over the years due to drinking, women, etc. He left the family when my husband was very young. Then came back into the picture and showed my husband drugs, drinking and women…when my husband was a teen.
Would love some input! Thanks!
Even though I have a mother from hell, I try to keep some peace so my son can see them. I am not excusing any negative behavior on your in laws part but I wonder why your kids don’t want to see their grandparents. Do you speak badly of your in laws to them? Did they form that opinion themselves? These are just some things to consider. Part of the anger from your in laws might be they feel you are keeping their husband and grandkids from them. This is just something to think about. I am not asking you to take abuse from them. But if your in laws want to see you and your family at the holidays, it is a chance to start to heal that resentment (maybe?). Now, I get it that in laws can be very selfish and toxic. But they are still your husband’s family. My husband is the same way. He is generally passive and does not have it in him to stand up to his family. Usually these in laws are masters of guilt tripping. However, there are certain things we won’t toletae from his family. If they openly disrespect us they are done. That is why they are subtly are nasty to me. I can put up with subtle jabs or dirty looks for once a month for two hours to save my marriage. I know if I forced my husband to cut off his family it would hurt him deep down. You personally can create boundaries. If you feel they are truly abusive (which is different than personalities that clash) then you can say to your husband I refuse to see your family but you are free to visit them. I would recommend against making your husband chose between you or his family in terms of cutting off all contact. Hope I helped! I know it is tough situation.
my mother in law she doesn’t get along with me because she wants to control every , I mean everything in our marriage . she once insulted me in from of my husband , father in law and sister in-law and my husband just stood there and never stand up for me . each time when I try to address it to my husband we always get in to the fight and am there one to be blamed, he end up saying that I want him to fight with his family and this people are his family and he loves the too.
so this frustrate me a lot I cant even cope I end up felling like am the one with a problem here .
I am not happy in my marriage am even lonely because each time am rising this issue am pushing him away and I love my husband so much that I cant imagine my life without him. and I know he loves me and my kids .
I think a lot of wives are in this situation unfortunately. Don’t make your husband chose. It is very painful for him to be in the middle. It is not fair for you. I have been there. You can however set boundaries and say to your husband I refuse to be spoken to in a negative manner by your mother. I am going to get up and leave their house, etc. if the mother comes over to your house and starts disrespecting you, she is not going to be allowed back. You need to put your foot down and definitely make it clear what you will and won’t tolerate. Let your husband go on his own to their house.
Try and not talk about his family. Focus on what a great guy he is to you and your kids. Dont keep forcing the issue. Sometimes people have to come to their own realizations in their own time. Hope I helped!
I am a narcissist and love it. I made my sister squirm when I took her former husband’s husband into my confidence because she is too good to be part of our family. I wanted her divorce settlement and she refused to give it to me – I made her tell me all her woes and then used them all against her with her former husband. And the best thing I had her ostracised from our family. Miss good two shoes plays a game of rightousness and ethics but I am crafty and strategic. First thing I did was spread lies about her to our siblings and cousins. I made sure she suffered. But I couldn’t resist telling my adult nephew and adult niece lies. I ma not finished punishing her yet. I do everything I can on the interest to make sure she suffers because no one is that good or kind. She always gets what she wants and I suffer. Fairness. Taking it away from her to make her suffer has been a great duty. These people suck!
I have read this and it all rings true yet it still hurts. It causes an enormous amount of stress when I have to spend time around them. I feel overwhelmed for lengthy periods of times. I would love to have a book that can help with the self esteem issues this causes
I just want to say I understand the anxiety you are feeling. I wish I could get you to see that you are far better than the judgement you incur from your in laws. I have (had) terrible self esteem too but having judgenental in laws has made me tougher. You will get to the point where what they think means very little because the only opinions that matter will be from those that you respect and care about.
One great book is toxic in laws by Susan forward.
For personal development, mark Manson’s book the subtle art of not giving a eff is great. It basically teaches you to define who and what is important in your life as a focus.
My inlaws are awful my daughters birthday was a few days ago they havent called or came over but if i was to of had a party they would of been here and took food home like they always do. Were going thru a really ruff time SO lost his job weve been struggling with bills and food we couldnt even get daughter something for her birthday but just found out they went to red lobster. I know they dont like me but to take it out on the kids is just evil and cruel! Mil went as far to say before that youngest child didnt belong to her son lol shes mental… A horrendous woman! All they do is sit around in a filthy house and smoke pot while her daughters children are the golden children meanwhile her daughter an her bf all live there dont help with any bills and certainly don’t clean up after the kids or themselves. Its been 8 almost 9 years or me being drug thru the mud its cost me so much ive developed terrible anxiety from the constant worry trying to make them like me trying to fit in… Its just not worth it anymore they all can go fly a kite its time to take care of me… But the whole kid this really makes me mad an my daughter asks me why they didnt come up an i do t know what to say to her id like to tell her but shell realize how horrible they are on her own.
My in laws are the same. Nasty, vindictive people who will eventually do the same thing to my son when he gets older. My grandmother had the nastiest mother in law from hell. Even though her mother in law was rotten to her, she was always kind to her. I personally can’t be that nice to my nasty MIL. At my grandmothers funeral there where tons of people in the church to honor her. I always remember my grandmother as a kind person. My mom is the same. Very kind. Now my sister and I are both very thoughtful in ways most people are not. We have been taught that. My husband is not naturally thoughtful. His parents are very self absorbed and selfish. That is what he has been taught. I figure I need to try and lead by example to be kind. That does not mean being a doormat. But I have a lot of anger and hostility towards my in laws and I don’t want my son to grow up being bitter and nasty too. It is a tough road. We are all taught to either give or take from our families.
I was met with an attitude by some of them with the impression that I had to “earn acceptance.” Oh really?! I wasn’t put on this earth to gain their approval and the nerve of me for thinking that!
Sounds like my in laws too!
my inlaws aren’t nasty to me, but the whole enitre inlaw family and extended inlaw family just talk around me make me feel not included, don’t ask a thing about my life. it’s like feeling lonely but surrounded by so many. i try to include myself, and smile and be friendly, give gifts and show up to family functions when i have so many things on my own plate. it bothers me so badly. i want a family, bc i don’t really have anyone but my husband and our children. his family is my family, but i’m not treated like it. i feel like ive done something wrong but i haven’t at all. i can walk into a room and no one will even say hello. i almost run to the bathroom everytime bc i feel like im going to cry.
It is not you. I have the same types of in laws. I know it feels very painful to be treated like this. I have years of experience with my nasty in laws and one thing I can say is don’t go out of your way for them. Do the bare minimum and don’t feel bad about it. The next thing you can do is limit the amount of time you spend with these people. Tell your husband you have had enough of being treated like garbage. He can go alone. You are a great person. Trust me, some people are just miserable. We all have free will. Some people chose to hate and be nasty. That is their thing. If given the choice to be so called happy they would never give up the chance to gossip about others or judge, etc.
I’ve been married to my husband for almost four years. In the entire time I’ve known him, his brother’s wife (our sister-in-law) has talked to me once. She also ignores my husband. We’re all just supposed to sit there and pretend we don’t notice. My husband once asked his brother if his wife was mad at him (my husband) over something. His brother told him that she had been a little annoyed over something, but she was over it. The issue his brother mentioned happened after sister-in-law had already been ignoring us. Also, the issue his brother mentioned was something that was really his brother’s fault, but his brother let my husband take the heat. It makes holidays miserable. I now dread Christmas because we spend it with my husband’s family. I’m also filled with dread every time I have to get together with them – which fortunately, is not often.
Just ignore the sister-in-law. Don’t say hello or make eye contact. She wants to feel powerful so don’t give her the satisfaction. If there are any remotely nice people at these get togethers, talk to them. Or just play on your phone. Good luck this Christmas! I will be with some nasty passive aggressive in laws too on Christmas. Every year. It stinks.
I have a strange situation. My husband and his brother have a sibling rivalry carried on for the entire 47 years of our marriage. It has been my brother in law who is ugly to my husband. His wife, however, presents herself as the best mother, daughter in law, etc as part of this ongoing saga. However, throughout the years she has set me up to look bad. Whenever my mother in law was ill, no one but her knew how to look after her. Once she walked into the hospital room and pretending in front of others that the ice bucket was empty and left to fill it up. I had just filled it before she arrived. I should have called her out but decided not to make a scene in the hospital room. There are many examples that I know about but that was the defining moment for me. My husband in recent years finally wised up after she did some gas lighting to him. My mil died recently but I regret what I have put up with. I was a child who grew up alone with a widowed mother and wanted nothing more than to have a warm loving family. My alcoholic father in law once cursed me and said I never lifted a finger to help with the dishes. Funny thing is sister in law insisted on washing and I dried. Since he was never in the kitchen to see, I suspect she and you brother in law puked up that conversation. Mother in law tended to suck up to whoever she was with to get help or whatever. I caught on and did not play into her talking about others and just listened. Sadly, the narrative of their superiority and our inferiority continued through their children. Too many hurt feelings for my children. We have our own friends and just move on with life and try to make the best of it, and stay cordial, but it makes me sad that we could have been close and been “sisters” instead of me being the casualty of a dysfunctional sibling rivalry.
It is always sad when you hope to be welcomed into a new family and are rejected. I am in the same boat. Nothing I do is ever appreciated and I gave up. All of my in laws are more successful than us financially. But, and this is not easy, I figure if I can build up my own self esteem than I have a better defense. Tables can turn in life. You are right to conduct yourself with the kindness and constraint over the years. Petty, nasty people thrive on drama and negativity. Not much can ever change that.
…that’s what I do when we get together at SIL’s house..I just look at shoes on my phone or talk to my BIL’s new wife who also likes shoes.
Me and my other half are not yet married, but want to be later on. We already have 1 daughter in which his mother claims she loves but she never does anything for her, never asks to see her or keep her over night like she does her daughter and other sons kids all bc she doesn’t like me. I’m honestly ok that she doesn’t like me but it hurts a lot. Last year she told us that I wasn’t invited to their Grandma’s Thanksgiving and other holiday events and it hurts bc all my family dis approved of him too but they still invited him to things, they aren’t rude to him nothing because they understand that I love him. I have flaws I know that and I know why she doesn’t like me but it still hurts but this is tearing up his relationship with his family and o don’t know what to do because I don’t want him to choose one side or the other and his mom’s pretty much trying to force him to make that decision. She’s always dissing and downing me when all I am is nice and respectful towards her. She gives him food on front of my face and “whispers” loud enough for me to hear not to share anything with me. She’s just rude, I know she doesn’t like me because she thinks I’m lazy and messy when she doesn’t understand why I am the way I am. I’m not lazy, I was only like that because I had just given birth and I couldn’t move around enough to clean at the time all the extra weight from the pregnancy was effecting my asthma and I couldnt move without feeling like I had to fight for air in my loungs. I also had an epidural and when they did it they hit a small nerve I’m my back and now walking hurts sometimes. But she never gave me a chance after that. I don’t know what to do. I’m having trouble finding a job too and she uses that against him to when ever they get into an argument and I know it hurts him a lot. How am I supposed to help him or deal with her when all she wants to do is dis and argue about me with him, and she spreads rumors and talks about me behind my back to the other family members too. I just want them to get along again, he was happier when they weren’t like this, and I want our daughter in her life like her other grandkids too but she doesn’t want to be all because of me.
Oh they hate me, I have tried for nearly 20 years and you know what. They will never get grand kids from me no way in hell would I have kids, if this happens my wife will choose them and I will be a puppet and get really screwed over. I have already made my peace never having kids. I will never give them a grand kid, they already have 3 they don’t need anymore. Yes you cant make them like you, but where my wife is from in the usa arranged marriage is still a thing. Sorry we fell in love shes with me, she says mommy dearest can do no wrong. So yeah no grand kids, Id rather not have children and spit in there face. As long as my wife and I can have a happy life.
Happens to me actually just had a falling out over it. Been with my husband 8 years and his mom approves his other family is stuck up snobs. I refuse to go at a place where I’m literally ignored and snuck we end up standing in a corner by ourselves. After the attempt of bringing food for Thanksgiving and no one touched it after spending hours on it. Then falling out because we wasn’t about to waste our time going to the family Christmas but had our own, but allowed our son to go visit apparently was unacceptable. I am over that side of the family and we keep our distance
Sounds like you did the right thing! It must have been very upsetting to work so hard on the food and have them do that. My in laws are nasty to me too but it is more subtle. On one hand, it is their goal to force you out of the picture by excluding and ignoring you. But why subject yourself to that abuse. I hope karma pays the nasty in laws back one day!
I have been married to my husband for 36 years, and we have one adult child and two grandkids. My family were always kind to my husband, but I was shunned from day one of meeting my mother-in-law While I was dating husband (then boyfriend) I was 17 he was 19, his sisters always tried to get him with other girls, invite him to parties without inviting me, gave other girls his home number, a couple time’s they even gave girls my number and they would call and ask to talk to him. My husbands older brother and wife were the only one’s that were kind to me, they lived in another state and would always invite us out for dinner, when they came to town, once I overherd him asking their mom, “why do you treat her that way”? and his mom replied, “because he can do better then her” I cried for days after hearing that, and was ready to break it off and move on,then my husband proposed and said his family did not decide who he loved and could be with, for me to ignore them. After we had our child, his mom said she did not believe it was her sons baby,and she came to the hospital to see for herself, if our baby looked like her son, but she never came down the hall to see me. His family also ignored our child, never bought any christmas or birthday gifts, My husband would buy something and say it was from his mother. My husband was the only guy I had ever been with, I was a quiet type, never did drugs, I finished high school and after school days and on weekends, I worked part time babysitting or helping my aunt at her thrift store. For years it hurt not knowing the reason his family treated me they way they did.We were the same race, religion,neither of our family’s came from wealth, so those could not have been any reason’s why. My husband and I talked about it many times, and said that “maybe it was because his dad had passed away leaving his mom to raise him & his siblings all by herself (I did not see a reason for his mom to hate me for the passing of her late husband, which I never knew? odd reason) My mother-in-law passed away about 5 years ago, I did not attend her funeral, Why would I attend the funeral of someone I knew wanted nothing to do with me. I said goodbye to her in my own way though, I went to her gravesite shortly after and placed flowers, It gave me some peace of mind doing so. This past Christmas one of my husbands sister’s called and actually asked to put me on the phone to wish me A Merry Christmas , I returned the greeting, I guess people change as they get older ,but I have no feelings good or bad about her call..I have come to a place in my life, where I will never let what others think of me, define the person I am.
I can’t believe what you have endured from his family. Maybe the sister is having a change of heart. I can understand why you have no emotion for the call. But, maybe there is one chance left on the earth for goodwill and redemption. Either way, I am very sorry you have such selfish in laws. Many people literally have no capacity to grow as people. They never learn from mistakes and are selfish and bitter to the end.
My mother in law dint accept me since the days they brought a proposal. But my husband wanted to marry me. The last time i met her was three yrs back on our wedding date. She said im not allowed in her home. I tried calling her several times but she never talked properly. Then after several tries she said she doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve never been to her place which is my inlaws home. My husband prepared a room for me there which im not allowed to see or be in. Since then my husband’s terms with his mom are bad which i dont like. My husband lives abroad so i moved there with him right after marriage. Whenever we visit our home country i go to my parents and my husband goes to his. We can’t live together there unless we move to a hotel. All my inlaws follow my mils footsteps. They fight with everyone, even they have broken up with their maternal and paternal relatives. My husband is on my side. But it hurts me alot to see him not on good terms with his family and that i dint get new relations after marriage. Its a pain inside that i feel everyday. I got to know that my mils friends poison her about doing all this to us, she thinks daughter in laws are always bad and should be kept away. I dont have kids yet but i even feel for them to be disconnected from extended family. Trying or talking to them is no option. If i initiate they say they don’t wanna talk or they simply dont reply. No one at their sides wants to talk.
My in-laws are now out-laws. They have gossiped, slandered, backstabbed me over the years and were eventually shown the door. If they really cared about their family member, my husband, they would not have treated the woman he married this way. After years of enduring their narcissistic abuse, I was finally able to figure out that this, narcissistic abuse by ‘spiritual narcissists’ was what I was dealing with. They put on a good show for the public, particularly in their churches, but when it comes to how they’ve treated me and my family, they’ve been diabolical. I now know their rejection of me was an attempt to scare me away and control my husband’s life. Early on, I took it way too personally. Years later, I realized it ultimately was a flaw within themselves. I discovered that they do this to others as well. They subject themselves to a very oppressive and demoralizing way of life. They are phony to their core. They keep up appearances because they care more about people BELIEVING they’re paragons of virtue and role-models in the community, than they do actually BEING those people. When they decided to engage in some power plays around the death of a loved one, their true colors showed and they, in the truest sense of the word, revealed themselves to be actual outlaws. Life has a way of showing people’s true colors, sometimes not right away, but eventually. In the meantime, I’d advise anyone who is enduring this abuse from their in-laws to cut them off. It sounds harsh, but, honestly, that’s not family, that’s not love, life is precious and short, and there are WAY too many GOOD people in the world to spend time with those who do not wish you well.
Very well said! So true!
AMEN and INDEED.
Obviously I am here because of the pain of rejection from my marrying my husband and subsequently his family. I have been married for almost 20 years and my heart still aches to this day from the nastiness I have endured from this family. Basically I blame my husband because I don’t feel like he has ever been my protector. My family welcomed him in from the inception of our relationship from the beginning to now. Their way of love towards one another is implied and not expressed. I feel like I have been trying to teach him how to properly love for the entire time I have been married to him. He does not treat me like a husband treats a wife, or like any man treats a woman for the most part. He is not very affectionate and I feel he is emotionally dysfunctional. I believe all of his issues come from his family and he will not acknowledge his or their fault in this. I am more angry and disappointed with him because I have always had his back no matter who or what because he is me and I am him. I try to pray and get over the past hurt and humiliation, but I find it difficult sometimes. Every time a thought resurfaces, twenty more follow it. He hurt me, they hurt me, and I don’t know if I can continue to look a him because he is representative of the hurt and pain I have endured. He doesn’t apologize without prompting. I keep expressing to him that love doesn’t have to be hard, but he thinks this dysfunction is normal. I stay because of my kids, but I live in a constant state of heavy heart . I feel like I had so much love to give and it was wasted on someone whom I feel doesn’t love himself enough to love me the way that I need and crave. How do I get over this pain from repeated rejection? I no longer associate with my in-laws and haven’t in years, but I feel like he is the last tie to that bond and I can’t look at him with respect that a wife should feel for her husband. He didn’t care of me. He didn’t protect me. I feel like I wasted my love on this man.
My husband is very emotionally distant in many ways. His mother is a Narcissist and so are her parents. He has never been taught the concept of “others” and being thoughtful. He has repressed his emotions. Over the years he has grown a bit emotionally and I know he loves me by showing it in subtle ways. I am not excusing your husband behavior but you know he comes from a toxic family and never learned about healthy behaviors. We all grow a different rates in life. I am a believer that what you want from others is what you must give out. I try to give love and encouragement to my husband and it has made a difference for the better. I used to be bitter towards him. Can you go for counseling? I have found counseling to be good for clarifying what path you want to take. It will help you decide to either stay with your marriage or come up with the next steps.
My Mother in-laws physically a salted me a few years ago on Christmas Eve scratched my face with her wedding ring and hands and slapped me while calling me names because I my sister in law asked me to leave due to my son having ADHD and asthma and needing his medicine. I was told by my sister in law that I coddled him when I gave him his medicine after he got upset long odd story led to me packing up and leaving that night when I was told to leave by that sister my husband was also told to go he was watching our son. I encountered his mom in the hall and was slapped while taking things out to our van then had threats from brother in law as well by his fists in my face I called the police but ended up not pressing charges because his father begged me not to. Years later and no apology’s from them my husband made up with his family and went to his fathers funeral and is now constantly talking to his sisters and mom and video chatting but I am still counted as a bad person. I don’t know what to do they are making plans to be together for all kinds of things and I’m told how I kept the family apart. The mother in law did say sorry but sister never did and her husband didn’t I still have bad dreams sometimes from this. What could I do? Should I just be the better person like my husband says and “get over it” I think to much of myself? I’m concerned for my safety that of my sons and my sanity. How could my husband want to be with people that threatened his wife and son they threaten to steel our son back then and his sister broke his DVD player.
i have been married for 24 years and i have experienced this bad treatment from in-laws . my husband will be informed of everything going on in the family and i will be kept in the dark. but somehow i will find out. recently i got a baby who is now two years and the so called mother -in- law did not come to visit until 3 months ago when we did our wedding. shamelessly in the church confessed to have accepted me in the family. i have lost 3 kids and have 3 now. During that time of misfortune , the mil will call her son and advice him to do away with me and get another wife. God is faithful am now a mother . all the family members dislike , disrespect, gossip, leave me out during their family gathering and make sure my husband knows. Its painful to have such people around you but what we need to do is to support one another and it shall be well.
Hi there, I’m South African and in the beginning of me and spous my in laws have issues with everyone. My father in law is very demanding and do not respect your rules and sundenly he an my mother I law is disrecpt me and when anything happens with my husband his father will said it must happen to you and not my son. It hurts, is just one day I were stepping up my believes and now I’m the dragon and he influes some of the people to make me the dragon. Everytime I open my heart he just come and stap the knife deaper and deaper.
I just want to said that it comes a long way
My boyfriends dad blames me for everything that happens to his son, especially if something goes wrong. He always says it’s cause his son is dating me.. I’ve been enduring this for too long and I’m beginning to feel not welcomed in their home , i don’t know what to do.
Should i end the relationship?
My boyfriend loves me, this i know and he defends me alot but what can i do?
It is up to you. The way his family is treating you now is exactly how it will be forever if you stay with your boyfriend. I have been married 8 years and it usually never gets better. It can work if your boyfriend is 100% on your side. If your boyfriend sides with his family or let’s them influence his choices then I would move on.
That pretty much sums it up – tough but true.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and about a year ago, adopted a toddler from foster care. Prior to the adoption, my husbands family completely disowned me. They have accused me of doing things I didn’t do, they have repeatedly told my husband that he has changed and its all because of me, and they have get togethers and don’t invite me. Flash forward into the adoption, they now don’t invite my kiddo to things the other children are invited to. They have bad mouthed my husband and I together and told us we don’t treat our kiddo right, they also continuously compare our kiddo to the other toddler in the family – wanting to know why they aren’t the same, and they now don’t even call or reach out to us at all, they wait for us to make the first move. I’m at a total loss and heart broken. A few months ago, I tried making baby steps and trying to improve everything but it still isn’t working. My husband seems to have run out of energy dealing with this and doesn’t want me telling them anything or talking to them. I personally grew up in a divorced family and I want my kiddo to know his extended family. What do I do?
You have every right to cut off contact with your in laws. I would not allow your child around them either unless they show proper respect. Let your husband go to gatherings alone if he feels he still needs to see his family. But you nor your child does not have to be subject to abuse. I am in counseling right now and it helps a lot to get professional advice. If you can do so yourself, I highly recommend it.
We’ve been married 3 years. My family is welcoming, warm, and very friendly / easy going. They love to make everyone feel included.
I moved across the country to live with my husband. I didn’t know that his family would reject me. I’m polite, sweet, work hard, and most of all… I moved away from my friends and family to be with my husband. They should be thrilled he wasn’t the one to move away.
They don’t even LOOK at me at family gatherings. I’m shy, but I’m a great conversationalist. They refuse to even look in my direction. I end up sitting there smiling like an idiot, nodding, agreeing, trying to get a word in, even when I don’t have a clue who they’re talking about. But it gets so draining.
My two sister in laws sit close and whisper with each other. They get up and go get drinks without inviting me to come. My mother in law turns her back to me. It’s just really awful. I spent 8 hours with them today and honestly, I tried. I prepared for this day for weeks. I tried making conversations but I’d just get a quick smile, nod, grunt, etc and they’d turn and talk to someone else. What about me is So off putting?? I left drained and crying and just wanting to crawl into a hole.
And btw, I’m a tough person and I don’t really care what people think of me… but my husband remains SO oblivious. He can’t see the passive aggressive comments they jab at me, or the ignorance. He doesn’t care that his mom puts in effort with his brothers wife but not me.
And so, is this reason for me to divorce and move back home where I’m accepted? It’s too uncomfortable for me to go to these gatherings. It’s a huge waste of my time and energy. I’m done putting myself through that. I tell him and myself this EVERY TIME but I keep crawling back and giving it more chances like a huge idiot.
Your situation is very close to mine. Except I live close to my family luckily. My husband does the same thing. He ignores the way his family treats me. My in laws do not come right out and call me names. They do subtle things like ignore me or ignore my birthday. MIL is a nasty woman who has turned Her side of the family against me through gossip. My husband is scared of confrontation. Maybe your husband is too. I have seen from the past that if force your spouse to cut off contact with their family, it will cause resentment.
This is going to be hard but it will ultimately win the loyalty of your husband. All you can do is be a great wife to him and be polite to his family. Don’t let them break up your marriage. They want to get in your head and run you out of town. I have had years of practice dealing with people like my nasty in laws. I was like you at first, I was nice and wanted to please them. Be polite but do not go out of your way for them. Do not text any happy birthdays or happy mother’s day. Don’t invite them over. Keep your distance and be very surface in general. Most importantly, you have to keep in mind it is them. They are just nasty people. Their opinion of you is their thing. It is not the truth. I know with my husband’s family, they lost control over him when I came along. Maybe something similar is in your situation. They see you as a threat. Unfortunately this will not improve over time. The good news is you will get stronger over time and not care if they like you or not. If you keep up being a good wife, over time his families nasty behavior will start to become more extreme. They will only alienate their son by their behavior.
You have every right not to attend your in laws functions if they continue with this behavior. You can go once in a great while. You can say to your husband “I’m sorry you don’t understand that I am not comfortable around your family and they way they treat me. I would like to stay home today”.
Don’t get a divorce. Don’t let let those nasty people run you off. Focus on your marriage and just the good things about your husband. I know very well what you are going through. It sucks. It never gets better but your in laws behavior is their problem. One day you truly won’t care and it won’t affect you when they make remarks or whisper because you don’t respect these people.
My husband sister does not like me. I don’t know why; because in the beginning when my husband and I was just dating it seems she was cool with me. But after our wedding she turned on me the very next day. She texted me a day after my wedding 7am in the morning while my husband and I was in honeymoon phase and said congratulations on your marriage and never speak to her again and I don’t never have to come around her and her family because I’m none existing. I text her back said thanks and asked her where was this all coming from and I was sorry she felt that way. I showed my husband the text and he ignored it. Then she continued to invite him out exclude me, talk behind my back and encourages my husband to stay out late and hang with her. She’s not married but she does have a man in her life. She has a group of girlfriends that continues to post social media things that family stick together and tags my husband in it. I expressed to my husband how I feel and he said to me that’s my sister. I’m not sure what’s going on and the sudden change. But then my father in law passed away and I faced my sister in law again for the first time and told her I am here if she needs me and she said that’s good to know. And then called all her girlfriends and invited my husband out to celebrate or grieve or morn with them through drinking and when I asked my husband please don’t drink Bec he just kicked the addiction of alcohol his sister was his company. I’m worried my marriage will end up in a divorce; because I’m not trying to come between a sister and brother bond that’s toxic and the alcohol doesn’t help. But I feel said depressed and hopeless.
To the writer…at least you cared as a son in law that leaves much hope their loss for not trying. Obviously you have a heart to love respect and work out a win win relationship you deserved for them to try arranging that. In laws suffer too. First time around son in law was a narcissist abuser thankfully he came and went but left many scars behind unfortunately but time has healed and strengthened out bonds in our family despite his choices. The new loves in her life since him leaving, have been a complete 180 and joy . Thank God there is hope. One more daughter to learn the same son in law is reckless with relations more crafty but same thing. Fingers crossed after this mess it will be the same outcome stronger individually and as a whole.
I found this blog because I’m currently struggling with my in-laws. I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years, together for 5. He is a divorced father to two teen boys. His ex wife is high conflict and – according to several counselors I’ve worked with – has “borderline tendencies”. My husband’s family has always been a bit stand-offish with me. He told me, they aren’t very friendly to you because they’re protective of my children. That should have been a red flag for me.
Fairly early on, his ex wife made wild accusations against me (I was trying to take her children away, I wanted my husband to move next door to her so he could stop paying child support, etc), so I totally cut off any contact with her. She also makes wild accusations against my husband and continues to be verbally abusive to him. I don’t go anywhere where she is going to be. I don’t say anything about her in front of the children and when they mention her, I give them some positive affirmation, but don’t dwell on things.
Her harassment of my husband has been nearly constant. If he would not agree to doing something for her, she would say that she’d contact his mother or brother and they’d make him do whatever she wanted.
Shortly after we were married, my mother in law called my husband and told him that she had, had a long talk with his ex wife and they both agreed that I was the problem and if not for me, my husband and his ex wife would get along. After my husband told her that was ridiculous, she told him not to tell me. I was so upset. I felt hurt and betrayed that my mother in law would speak about me with the ex wife, but she was also encouraging my husband to keep secrets from me.
Fast forward three years, the ex wife has turned up the heat. She and my husband have been engaged in a legal battle over reducing time with one child. She claims it is traumatic for this child to come to our home because of all the terrible things that my husband and I say about her to her children. I get along fine with the children. I don’t talk about her at all when they are around. Several months ago, she called my husband’s brother to have him talk to the child about this situation. He did it! She was looking for him to provide evidence in their mediation that the child shouldn’t go to our house because we say terrible things about her. The most hurtful thing was that my husband’s brother believed her. He told my husband that most of his conversation with the ex wife was about me and what I said. My husband told him that it was completely made up. His brother still believes that his ex wife “is a good person”, is “not trying to manipulate” him, and he “only looking out for the best interests of your children.” He even accused my husband of not “being respectful” of his ex wife and not having the best interests of his children in mind. This brother’s wife has spoken to me once in five years. At that conversation, she shared her thoughts on how she didn’t think my husband should have gotten divorced. My husband didn’t want to get divorced, he was miserable with his ex wife, but fought her because he didn’t want to hurt his children.
I’m so hurt and don’t know what to do. I don’t want my husband to have to choose between me and his family, but I don’t think I can manage relationships with people who were so quick to see me as the problem.
My parents didn’t like or respect my husband for over 30 years. My father is dead and my mother and brother still carry the hatred/cruelty torch toward my husband even though he drops everything to assist my mother. Early in my marriage we moved out of town and that really helped our marriage. My parents missed out on time with their grandkids because of their own hatred and nastiness. The nastiness doesn’t change and it still can hurt sometimes even after 30 years. I picked the right husband and it was totally worth it despite my family. My two daughters turned out great. Live your lives, enjoy your marriages. Do your best to ignore your nasty relatives. Don’t expect it will change. Focus on loving your husband/wives and kids, and it will be okay.
My partner and I have been together for 5 years. We are wanting to get engaged soon and plan a wedding. We have a 3yo son. His parents liked me in the first year of our relationship and then it all turned sour. We tried to rekindle after the birth of our son and it lasted only a few months. We are now at the point where my parter has told them to accept us as a family or have nothing to do with him and our son because we come as a package and not separate. It has taken many years for my partner to back me up and be on my side. I still get sad for him and how it affects him and I also worry about when we do get married as he has stated his family won’t be invited. I know deep down that this would be so hard for him and break his heart. I’m not sure what to do from here or what is best anymore. Please help!!
Hi Emma, try not to feel so helpless. Neither you nor your husband can change the in laws. You have to be an adult and accept it. Your husband’s pain will fade, even if that happens slowly. He will deal with his feelings. In the meanwhile, be there for him, make him happy, create a good home for him. Replace his stress into acceptance of the rejection of his family. I am in the same situation and it is painful to see your spouse hurt like this. It will be okay, he has you, that is what he chose. Life is hard, try to make the most of what you have. Heal yourself and your husband. Hang in there.
Thirty seven years ago I had a short fling with a man and his wife found out. He stayed with her but she went on to dump him and their young kids twice to move in with other men. I take some blame for this and guilt. After his divorce we would check in with each other by phone or social media but we were always in other relationships. Finding ourselves single at the same time, we got together and married a year ago. His first ex has made it a point to poison the adult kids and some of his family against me. They have completely forgiven her leaving him and ignoring the kids for years. He allowed her to stay in his life after moving on and she basically played the wife despite him being married to someone living in another state. My MIL is bestie with the first ex, the kids (30 and 38) have accused me of coming and tearing apart their family and that he has “chosen another woman” over being a family (with their mom ). The daughter has removed my husband from her life and I am frequently bad mouthed and blamed for everything wrong in the family, aided of course by the first ex playing victim. My husband tries to stand up for me but of course, he is pained by the estrangement from his daughter while doing whatever he can to keep the son and grandkids in his life despite the son’s feelings and backstabbing. I feel totally responsible, like I am the worst person in the world and I hate what this has done to his family. I love him but I want to leave him so he can have peace. He has nothing to do with the ex after 40 years and I think she is angry she lost her security blanket. I love him so much but I am ready to give up.
Normally, I would say try and work it out but there is a lot of heavy baggage associated with this situation. Yes, maybe moving on would be the healthiest thing for all parties. You could start fresh with someone else down the line.
Hello. I survived 17 years with inlaws that spit poison on me. My ex never stood up to them about their treatment of me. It was pure hell. They would come and love with us for months and months. I tried to get everyone to get along but without the support of my husband it was not possible. They undermined my parenting decisions, and constantly groomed my children to understand that “its too bad that you have a mother that is angry and unbalanced all the time.” (their words)
My ex refused to be a parent, and pushed it off on his mother. So she made all of the decisions. I finally had to put my foot down with him, and insist it was them or me. We lived away from them for 2 years, but they still called relentlessly. I am so happy to be away from that toxic family, except now they live with my ex and my kids have to deal with them as the main parents, which they hate. The amount of hatred that they spew at my kids about me is amazing – my mother in law told my daughter – if you are going to be a bitch like your mother, why dont you just go live with her? Then my father in law called my daughter a loser. She looks like me so she gets the brunt. The message is – you mother is BAD and terrible, and you should never be like her. How do I deal with this? They spread a major smear champagne at scouts, school etc saying to the other parents – Its a pity about X’s mom – shes got mental issues you know – she left her marriage and is a drug and alcohol addict.” (not true. no drugs or alcohol here) People who know me know Im the participating parent. but it hurts my kids when they are credible. (they sound reasonable). any advice?
My in laws have been on a hate campaign against me early on, first it was just me, then it became impossible to keep my husband out of it, so now its a campaign against us both. MIL had already recruited a dubious person (husband’s best friend’s wife) into this fray and that extended to more friends and more people were turned against us – esp by the relentless efforts of the precious SIL.
We are now ostracized not just by the family but by the friends they included and we are both sadly isolated. The blame is placed on me – I am ethnically different from them all and hence easy to target, corner… what have you. I am naturally always wrong because I am ‘new’, ‘different’ – nothing unites a group and melts their own differences like going against a foreigner!
Anyway, we are trying to live through/past this. I have no hopes that this will ever change, except for the worse… and realistically it is easier for me to move away from this than (understandably) my husband. He is all about loyalty, he has played his part towards his family and friends all his life, and they have knowingly failed him, failed us. It is painful to see him so stressed out. Setting our boundaries and enforcing them seems to work to an extent – but they keep pushing. Our struggle continues.
I am going through this right now & I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been engaged for 3 months, been together 6 years. This is my fiance’s second marriage and my first. We are an older couple with him 55 and myself 45. I’d say for the most part we have our lives together, but he has 3 kids that have hated me from the beginning. For no other reason then I’m not their mom. They have no desire to get to know me. I am not acknowledged & now they have gone to not speaking to him since he told them he was going to propose. These kids are 27,25 & 23 years old. It hurts, but I stay out of it & just hoping that time will heal the wounds they are feeling.
His parents are another story though. We all live within 30 minutes of each other and we get together for dinner a couple times a month at a local restaurant, but not once in all the years have they put in any effort into getting to know me. Never ask me any questions about myself, my family, my job.. nothing. The two of them and my fiance usually just sit there and talk about people they know or about my fiance’s job. I interject when I can, but I can’t remember a time when there was a follow-up question or any back and forth to the conversation. I say something and they politely listen, but immediately move on to next topic. It seems like last year things started getting a little more uncomfortable and I’m guessing that’s when they started feeling this was serious between their son and myself. I recall that we were over there for Easter dinner and felt that his mom and I actually rounded a corner and I had a really nice time with her especially. Later that night my fiance got a text from his mom saying that his ex-wife and their kids were taking her out to dinner for her birthday and she would love him to be there. One big, happy family… He refused and told his mom that they have been divorced for a number of years now and he was not going. Good for him! This is most passive aggressive group of people I have ever met in my life.
When we became engaged we went to their house first to tell them and no congratulations came out of either one of their mouths. They stared at me then made some joke about something unrelated then started talking about the weather. I held in the tears till we got in the car.
December has always been a hard month for me (lost my own mom right before Christmas) and they continue to hurt me. Last year they sent a Christmas card (which was very nice), but they included a Christmas newsletter that mentioned the ex-wife and what she was up to. I understand they will always think of her as a daughter, but seriously is putting it in the newsletter to the whole family necessary?? These are highly educated people and they are doing these things deliberately and with malice. They refuse to accept their son got divorced. Since the engagement I’ve been curious what this Christmas newsletter was going to bring. No worries because it appears I didn’t even make the cut this year. No card. My fiance did though and not only NO mention of our engagement, but didn’t even mention my fiance or his sister. It was all about their latest travels and the grand kids.
We’re supposed to have dinner with them twice next week and I’m absolutely dreading it. The fake smile is getting harder and harder to put on.
Dear hurting,
Your situation is a difficult one and no doubt will increase with time.People at a certain stage in their lives are less likely to change especially once they are set in their ways.Hope for the best,expecting the worst is the often times all you can do.Praying for them of course is the most powerful weapon with have in hopes to soften their stony hearts towards us.However the main focus should not require you to worry about their reactions or opinions since that is beyond your control. If your love for your fiancee is worth all this pain it will endure.When it comes to kids they too tend to hold their own grudges and the blended family dynamic will prove challenging.More often than not even the most stubborn person will eventually see how you handle difficult situations.And above all the love you show to your spouse and others around you.Killing them with kindness is difficult but works.In the end you heap coals on their own heads and the only hateful person left standing is them.Dont allow someone elses insecurities,anger or bitterness poison the love you have to give. Only you can know if this is worth it all or not.Stand your ground and focus on the ones who support and value you most.Never invest yourself in an empty account .
Good day
It’s sad in a way to read such stories.
My in-laws on the other hand are really not a part of my life. However that is very unsettling because I have to do some ritual which is against everything I believe in until I become part of their family.
And I don’t c how can that cause so much strive so much that I can’t go to my husbands house he must go there alone whenever he is called. We don’t even talk and recently I lost a baby my mother inlaw came to see me and started talking about the very thing I refuse to do. And after that 3 months later I have not heard from her or even to check how I was doing.
My concern is if something would happen to their son with them not talking to me or recognizing me as his wife what would happen then.
I’m at a point of wanting to end my marriage rather because I feel my husband should be the one to fix that for me with his family because we don’t know the future. I don’t even want him to not have a relationship with his family just because of me I’m really inbetween a rock and a hard place.
Dear Mangaliso,
I’m sorry to hear what you are enduring with your inlaws.I may be unsure of what you mean by ritual these people require of you.Whatever it may be.Never , ever compromise yourself or your beliefs for someone else. If it is religious that is such a personal matter where no one can or should ever force anyone into making a decision for you. Regardless of their opinions in the end they have no choice but to accept and love you as you are or miss out on being part of your life. The problem is theirs to deal with.How we handle it can only be done with grace and dignity.Be brave,be strong and let your love for your husband be your main focus. In the end Love always prevails!
Good day
I am going through this at the moment we were dating for two years and one month.I have meet some of his close family members last two weeks i found out that his sisters and cousin sister they have asked him to drop me because i am not fit into their family just for a simple mistake i did once when they’re at home.
Since it the first time for me to meet with some of them we were full time story telling but i doesn’t know what they’re planning.When i return from work in the afternoon they’re all gone except my fiance at home.After dinner my fiance asked me to talked about something on the table.So he was telling me what all his family members told him about me.
It hurts down inside but i said that i will work on it to improve on that. I confronted him if he want to listen to his family members it quite alright for me he can be in their side.As for me i move out from you and start my journey.
I have been in a broken relationship before as i was dating a guy for five years which we meet from university.And i though i will give it a try for this one,since his family doesn’t accept me and i don’t wanna see myself walking the same path again.
My husband and have only been married for six months, and I’m already frustrated to hell with my father in law.
The man is passively aggressive, verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive.
I am never enough in his eyes and I “have to leave my personality behind and get a new one.” (What the hell is he thinking?)
My husband and I have to live with the inlaws since we dont make enough money to pay for a place of our own. He abuses this dept to an extent that I never thought someone would.
He will constantly make inappropriate remarks towards me like “if he doesnt want to impregnate you then I will.” and my husband just does nothing about it, he doesn’t defend me nor stand up for me when the man belittles me. Neither of us can do anything or else we are kicked out to live on the streets. He has threatened us multiple times that he will kick us out, we bring our cooperation around the house we pay for electricity and food we help around the house every day we do everything we can to show them that we are thankful for the help they are giving us.
He has made it clear the only reason why he is letting us stay is because of my husband, and that he doesn’t like me at all. When ever I move around the house he will make passive aggressive comments like “there she is goes again, going to break our toilet.” Its really hurtful since im not over weight but I feel so self conscious that I dont even want to eat, every time I eat he would say “what a waste of food.” He will constantly make negative comments about me to my husband.
I dont know what to do anymore im so broken down that I dont even know if this marriage is worth it.
I need inspiration to keep this relationship going cause I don’t know if we will make it .
Dear Nerene,
Your story not only breaks my heart but sends major red flags with your father in laws sick and inappropriate behaviors.It is horrific your husband wont defend you from the obvious sexual harassment comment about impregnation. I understand you feel trapped but no matter the financial situation ,get out if that house.Even if you and your husband need to place an add for roommates in order to afford a small apartment. Your in laws house is not safe. Abuse of this kind is unacceptable regardless of the financial control this father in law may lure over your heads. I pray you find safety and peace with your husband elsewhere. Also if the harassment continues don’t be afraid to turn to the law for help. Proverbs 15:17 King James Version (KJV)
17 Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith. God bless you and good luck!
I’ve been with my husband over thirty years. I could tell all along that I wasn’t good enough for him according to his mom and sister. They told him things like “If you left her, no one would think badly of you”. Nothing I did was ever good enough, but I foolishly tried everything I could to make them happy. I made quilts for the kids and crocheted afghans, baked and cooked whatever people liked, made sure we were at every single birthday and holiday, with very nice, thoughtful gifts for each person. Did it matter? NO! But I also noticed, over the years, that they treated my husband the same way, too. He’s a very smart guy, in a very tough field, and he is well-respected and extremely talented, but none of them ever wanted to acknowledge that. Whenever he brought up anything fun we were doing, they would shut him down like his life was so very unimportant compared to their amazingly wonderful activities (like us going to see the eclipse in 2017 versus them going to drink at the river over the weekend, again, as always).
A few years ago my mother-in-law died, and when she did my sister-in-law made a grab for the money. She actually told my husband and his brother, “We have to get the money and the house out of the trust, so it doesn’t go through probate. We’ll put it all in my name. You trust me, don’t you?” She went to two banks her mom had accounts in. One told her NO WAY, that is ILLEGAL, and the other gave her a form to fill out and then emptied the account out for her! When we threatened her with lawyers and jail, she relented and paid the money back. My husband fought to have the trust paid out as his mom wished (even though everyone was telling him he could easily and legally kick his sister out of the trust for the crime she committed), and after each of the three got their equal portion, they treated him like he was the one trying to steal the money! None of them will talk to us anymore.
It’s been a few years, and the result of that devastation? I have never, ever seen my husband happier. His sister and her family were toxic, racist, superior people who just wanted everyone else to feel small. His brother’s family were always denigrating anyone in the room, to make them feel better about their own insecurities. Without them around, my husband has bloomed and is this very contented, very open guy who is loads of fun and great to be around. I know I should feel really bad that the family is gone away, but I feel like I won the brass ring, because I get to be with him, and they are missing out terribly! And just so you know, the rest of the family, cousins and uncles and aunts, are thrilled to be in touch with my husband and think he is pretty cool. I’m sorry that his immediate family was such crap, but I’m so glad we finally broke away and got to enjoy our lives!
Hi
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 7year we met in school,he’s a Muslim and I’m a Christian by practice but was born a Muslim.
When we started out I told him and he said he’s not rushing me to become a Muslim that I can take my time .
I also asked him about he’s family accepting me he said I have no problem that its his choice to make, 2years into the relationship he introduced me to his mum,elder brother, younger brother and little sis excluding his dad and elder sis based on the mum and dad are separated and the elder sis does not really have a cordial relationship with the mum and siblings over the years and I was instructed by my boyfriend not to communicate with their dad and sis in order not to offend their mum.
Everyone so nice and made me feel free
And I was treated like family for 5years till resently I got to know I was pregnant and I expected them to come know my parent based on the norms of introduction.
That was how my problem started when my boyfriend rented an apartment based on his elder brother instruction
That was how my mother in law started by blaming me saying I forced her son to rent the apartment and for that she said she’s not doing any introduction ,they tried to talk my boyfriend out of the relationship started saying he can’t marry me cos I’m a Christian
At first my boyfriend changed towards me and made a statement to me that ”if not because I was pregnant that both of us will not be together anymore”
I got angry and I told him I was not interested anymore that he should forget me and forget he has a child somewhere and never try to make contact with me anymore,
Then I posted a quote on whats app saying”when you hurt an innocent person if you don’t suffer for it ,your children will and if not generations will suffer for it ” knowing fully well all of them will see it so they will know in their hearts that if I don’t deserve the treatment their giving me they will pay for it
So not long my boyfriend called me after some days and apologized for his misbehavior and told me he’s family said we should pick a date for our introduction which we did
The next day his mother changed her mind again and said she’s not doing the introduction . so I was forced to call his dad probably he will be able to help me out ,at first he told me to call his ex wife and apologize and the rest which I did but still changed nothing to cut the long story short all my boyfriend family has refused to perform their right toward the Union of their son and I and their son has rented an apartment where we both live but non of his family knows the place and they’re angry about that too.
I’m just sad that I couldn’t get my dream marriage and those that I thought liked me and accepted me have only been pretending to me for 5years and they even neglected my boyfriend because of me except his father that calls him but none of them calls me including his father
Now I wonder if they should be told when I put to bed or if I should acknowledge them if they come for my baby naming ceremony
What if you did do something to upset them? Me and my fiancée have been together for 3 years now. We recently put up a post on Facebook about a page for gofundme about how we were asking for help with our wedding. And being 2020 and with Coronavirus our plans had stopped. We planned to get married this year but couldn’t. We never put in a deposit into the venue or spent any money into the wedding but we had picked the cake, the venue, the dresses, the theme, the guest list, the bridesmaids, the best man, the maid of honour, etc etc. But none of my in laws new this was happening as we wanted it to be a surprise. But since we were struggling with putting money together as we were saving for a flat of our own and buying essentials for the future flat, such as a dinning table and a sofa for example. And me being on a 4hr contract as I have joint problems and my fiancée being on full-time hours on minimum wage we were struggling I’m sad to say. But her Nan got angry because she said gofundme was for people who were ill and wanted to fulfill there dreams. (When it isn’t) and she proceeded to tell my fiancée that I needed to take it down as it’s disrespectful and rude and that we should feel ashamed. That we were lying about our wedding being cancelled (which I never said) that we’re NOT getting married (bare in mind her nan is homophobic and old fashioned) etc etc. All of this publicly on a comment underneath my post asking people to share it far and wide. I ended up saying that I was sorry but I wasn’t going to take the post down, that if she was angry that she could just have a go at me and not her granddaughter as it was my plan to put up a gofundme page not my fiancées and that she should stop making us feel ashamed of who we are. She then proceeded to tell my fiancée that she didn’t appreciate the way her “FRIEND” was speaking to her which really pushed me to the edge. I told my fiancée to stand up for herself that she needed to say something but she didn’t want to cause any problems in the family. Long story short her whole family hates me and never want to speak to/ see me again… they still love their daughter but don’t want anything to do with me. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t feel like I should apologise but I don’t want to get married and have my in laws hate me for being me. I love their daughter so much, she’s my world and I’d never be able to live without her. I’m sure she loves me too as much as I do. But I don’t want her not to have her own family at her wedding just because of me. I don’t want to apologise as I feel like I shouldn’t. I’m standing my ground. I am who I am. I never used to ask anyone for help, wether it was for money, food, shelter. I was raised like that my whole life. My mother-in-law then told me never to be ashamed to ask for help. We went shopping for Sunday dinner and she asked me “do you need anything?” I said “no, I should still have enough money to buy some groceries” (which was a lie) and my fiancée new this so she shook her head “no” and I told her to stop and I started crying because I became embarrassed and ashamed for looking like a fool. But her mother-in-law hugged me and said “it’s ok to ask for help, what do you need? I’ll do a little shop for you”. From then on I believed that if I was really struggling and I really needed someone’s help it was ok to ask for help. But now that I’ve done this they said I was being selfish and lazy and that we had to do it ourselves. That is was shameful that I was asking for money/ and I quote “help in any way, shape or form” as I said in our gofundme page, that all of a sudden it’s not ok to ask for help. I’m so tired, angry and upset. What do I do? What’s the best way to deal with this without causing anymore tension?
My issue is different, but this is the only site I’ve found that addresses it at least somewhat, so I hope you’ll help. My daughter’s in-laws, with whom I’ve spent all of the holidays since we first met, suddenly this year basically disinvited me, saying they just wanted to have the “nuclear” family. Originally, I stayed at their home, but last year I was asked to find accommodations elsewhere since they said it was too stressful to have so many under one roof, so I stayed at an airbnb and rented a car to come over during the days. I’ve asked if I did something to offend them, but they claim I haven’t. My daughter knows how upset I am but feels powerless to do anything (plus she’s the kind of person who avoids conflict at all costs). I had already purchased airfare, reserved a non-refundable airbnb, and rented a car (the latter being refundable), so I told my daughter that I would come anyway and hope that she would visit with my two grandchildren. And btw, I’m almost 72, was the nanny 10 hrs./day, 5 days/wk., for my grandchildren for three years when they were first born (and moved to CA to do so). So I’d appreciate any thoughts and/or suggestions as to my situation. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
First of all, I am sorry to hear of your situation. Some people may not like my response but, I am not liked my in laws. They snub me whenever they can. But we have a young son and I don’t believe in not allowing them to be a part of his life. They see him once in a great while when they ask. I am always polite. My husband is not close with his family needless to say.
My round about way is saying what you should probably just do is be available on their terms. I know it is very unfair. But if you want to see your grandkids, it may be the only way. If it gets so bad, and you truly feel they have crossed the line, then you cut them off. Those are your only two options. If you try and confront your child about them choosing the spouses side, it usually never ends well. Sorry and I hope things improve for you.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. My husband has a child from a previous relation and was 2.5 when we married. The first year and half were great my in-laws had us over every Thursday, because that was the day we had my SS(stepson) every week. Then 3 years ago in the summer we purchased our first home. My MIL kept my SS in summer (every other week) while we were working, but things started getting weird. She they stopped inviting us over and started keeping my SS later into the evening after we were home, just one excuse after the next. In August school started, we went back to our regular custody schedule and all of a sudden Thursday dinners were no longer a thing. They, mostly my MIL, ignored my text barley texted my husband back. One day I finally approached them and asked what was going on. During the conversation my MIL was standing, whole body facing me but her head was turned completely looking over her shoulder to my FIL. The conversation was awkward, he basically told me it was my fault and that they didn’t know if it was okay to talk to me because of the look on my face changed daily. I was in shock. Then my MIL looks at me and says, I don’t have to answer in of your questions, the only people I answer to is God and my husband. The conversation was over. About a month later I came to find out that my Dear MIL was talking to my SS mother and getting my SS on her weekends and weekdays. And not telling me or my husband. This continued and continued, my husband and I stopped getting invited to family dinners because my MIL was inviting and bringing my SS. One year later, we announce we are pregnant. We told them right after we told me parents, they didn’t react like my family, but whatever. My SIL was also pregnant. They showed up at the hospital for my SIL took pictures, posted them bragging about their new grandchild. ONE MONTH LATER….we are in the hospital. My husband informed his parents their grandchild will be here soon…..we heard nothing. the next day….nope. My husbands brother came up and held my son and hung out with him, we still never heard a word from my inLaws. My son was 2 weeks old, we had been in and out of the hospital before my FIL finally reached out, asked to come over and meet him. He came stayed for 30 minutes by himself. It was sad. When my son was 3 months old was the FIRST time my MIL seen my son, only because my grandmother asked me to go to church with her and my inLaws go to the same church. My son is now 19 months old and my InLaws have only seen him maybe 20 times. They still see my SS every week.
Sounds like a thread on narcissist survivors.
Married to a misogynist Jamaican man (It takes time to see the patterns) and when his “sister” who is the “family-bully”, quickly stated, “she will never be recognized as a Blake”, and he said nothing, I knew was a “red flag”.
“She a whitey,” was what I heard first from an aunt.
It got worse over time, and I ended up being the “scapegoat.”
“People pleasing” me, with my considerate, nurturing nature, was never accepted, and finally I just decided to go “no contact” with these frauds.
Now I see why he never took me over to meet them initially, because they are all “birds of a feather.”
Our son is a mess because he also is categorized as “not being in the faily,” but he also sees who the instigators are.
Who ever said racism can’t happen to white people is dead wrong.
When your spouse goes along with it, they never cared for you ever.
That’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s a reflection of them, not me.
I’ll continue to be the empatheitic light….just making sure it’s with the right people….the kind with manners and empathy.
I got pregnant for my husband and we got married few months after, my mother in law is a dominant being I feel so frustrated and hurt my husband seem to be her favourite, I spent my wedding night under her roof, my husband lives in one of her houses which is not far from where she lives, it’s been hell from one issue to another at some point I’m beginning to get scared of her, I don’t have peace anymore, I worry, cry I developed migraine headaches due to too much thinking , sometimes I wished I could just pick my son and leave I’m a graduate I couldn’t get any job it was as if my life just stood still for that family, the families don’t have true love for each other just gossips here and there, my husband siblings story for another day, have begged my husband to let us leave the environment so I never really have to meet them so I can have that inner peace but he’s also not helping, I wish I could easily just leave with my son for my sanity but it not that easy here I wish I was stronger it really hurt I wish I could get help through this journey and just let go
Do you have access to any type of counseling? Through your college or school? Do you have any family or friends you can call and just talk to? It sounds like you are overwhelmed emotionally by the situation so taking time out for yourself is important. Go on walks, read a book when your child goes to sleep.
Merry Christmas! To all the dil of narcissistic mil, be strong and don’t take to heart the nasty actions of mil. It is not you. It is them. I know it hurts to be treated so badly but some people have deep seated mental issues. Love yourself and be good to yourself.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and I have never met a family with so much drama in my entire life. This is my second marriage and his third. The family has been so oddly not inclusive toward myself and my daughter. As my daughter put it, “They don’t care to know who I am or if I am there.” My husband’s mother shared with me that the reason why his brother didn’t want to get to know me was because he had had such a bad experience with one of the other women that my husband dated that he was not interested in making the investment to get to know me. It doesn’t particularly hurt my feelings although it does cause me to feel like I may not want to continue to be married to someone that gives priority to a group of people that seem to create drama even when living in states different than ours. There have been so many problems related to these people that I honestly have no desire to spend any time with them. My husband uses all of his vacation time and every opportunity possible to visit with them and often is trying to convince me to travel with him and his daughter to visit and stay with his out of state siblings. I feel like it would be nice if he would take me on a vacation that does not involve his family and have expressed that. It has not happened yet and if I did I imagine I would end up financing it, which I consider a slap in the face since he is able to afford to travel without me.
Unfortunately like many of us, you married into a family that does not like you (maybe). Luckily they live in another state at least. Have you ever visited them with your husband? They may think you hate them too. Your husband wants to include you in his trip back to his family. That is a good sign. The hard truth is I can’t stand my in laws (most mother in law) but I go anyway because I am there to support my husband. It is not about me and my feelings. My husband knows I am uncomfortable around his nasty mother but he appreciates that I made an effort. Now, having said that, if his family are blatantly cruel to your face and outwardly attack you then you have reason to stay away. But if it is a personality clash between you and them, you might want to try and go on one of the trips with him. Not all trips but some. These people are his family and it is never good to be the person who is the reason he is estranged from them. I hope I helped.
I first met my now husband at 13 years old he was 15. Didn’t see us other for 2 years and started dating when I was 15 he was 17. Long story short his aunt/ his real mothers ex husband also my husband abuser adopted him when his mother died when he was 7 years old where his aunt took 3 kids because she could get a check to support her. When we started dating the attacks immediately started toward me starting from mental to physical. I got pregnant at 17 he was 19 we had no help so what did she do went around and told the entire family the baby wasn’t his and then his so called sister started making up lies and they would borrow thing and when we went to get our stuff back would call the cops and say we threaten them which was untrue. Anyhow 25 years of marriage and 28 years together 3 grown children later you would think this would be the past no it isn’t
The more we talk to people the more that comes out all the trash they have talked encouraging people not to like me telling them none of our children belong to him and all the different people I’ve slept with which is a big Lie. 2 years ago after trying all I could and people telling me about the things they have been saying I am so done and then today someone my husband knew told him his sister said I was sleeping with a mechanic that worked on our cars. Which is untrue
I told my husband unreal they never quit.
I’m tired of their BS.
Out of my life and moving forward.
That’s the thing- these toxic in laws never change. A cautionary tale to anyone starting out with nasty potential in laws. Something to consider.
So been with my wife nearly 20 been married 15, anyone and I mean anyone had there mother in law pull them aside and threaten for me not to have kids with her daughter? That’s right I was threatened to not have kids, I was not ready for kids after just 6 years of marriage, I tried laughing it off she got real serious and said cuz I’m not there. Well fast forward 10 or so years we still do not. We have talked about this, and the way the world is we have decided not to have kids. They cost a lot of money with zero support and no money and the way the world is its just not worth it. We enjoy each others company, best friends we do everything together, but having kids is a real no no. I do not want her mother flying down here to run our life and tell us how to raise a kid, my wife nearly 40 fears her mother like a child. She buckles like a belt when it comes to her mother and sisters, I do not want to have kids to be brought up by her mother and her sister whose both kids are messed up in the head. I know l not doing is bowing to there whim, so what they have tried to ruin our marriage every chance they get, having kids would indeed ruin it in my mind. I love being and spending time shopping with my wife its our thing why fix whats not broken? Point is if both are not on point don’t have kids you will ruin your marriage. Its not worth being unhappy and ruled just to reproduce.
My husband and I married when I was 17 (almost 11 years ago). We have 3 children and I love him more than anything. His father is the only person who ever tried to get to know me. After 4 years I was able to convince 2 of his brothers and his sister that I wasn’t evil and that I love my husband. But his oldest brother and his mother still hate me. We moved in with his mother a few years ago so that we could help take care of her after his dad died and his sister gave up. I pay for all the bills, I pay for all the food, and it is me paying I am the one who makes the money in our house as my husband is in school, but I am trash to them. If his oldest brother comes over my kids and I have to stay out of the house or stay downstairs in the basement or else we are treated like servants. I am to make them food and then disappear. My husband never noticed this until a couple years ago he just always thought that I didn’t want to be around his family or that I was the one picking fights. He overheard the way I was treated finally and understood he pushed me to try again to get along with them with him at my side, however it was not well received and I was told by his brother that I needed to leave as this had nothing to do with me and that he wouldn’t have this conversation while I was there. My husband proceeded to start yelling at him and told me to take the kids and he didn’t want them to hear what he was going to say. He has told his brother and his mom off and we are in the process of moving because he doesn’t want me around that. After being abused constantly as a child he says that I shouldn’t have to be abused as an adult. He has told his brother that he no longer wants anything to do with him and that he will not condone him behavior to anyone, especially his family and that if he ever wants to have him in his life then he needs to find a way to apologize without speaking to me. His mother will be told the same thing once we move out but we are having some troubles finding houses in our area since the post-covid boom in home buying.
I’m getting married in a month. My in-laws aren’t coming because they don’t want to be around my family and our friends. They suggested we have a ‘small dinner’ sometime after the wedding. I’m sorry but that doesn’t make up for not coming to our wedding or helping in anyway. They haven’t even called or texted to congratulate us since we announced it. It’s insane. I’m glad my family is awesome and loves us so much.
My in-laws favor the old wife over me…they continue to include her in everything. Do I have to go to celebrations with this family and be ignored and made to feel 2nd to the ex or can I just avoid them for the rest of my life?
My husband’s family miss my husband’s ex so much that 8 years later, they still won’t get to know his new wife of 5 years. They are on eggshells around me, and I’m pretty sure they don’t know a thing about me. They probably don’t even know what town I’m from. Literally, they’ve never asked me a question about myself. I know plenty about them.. too much🤦🏻♀️
I have a different problem – I and my wife are rejected by our DIL because our son had a baby out of wedlock with another woman a few years earlier, and he and the DIL would like us to not foster any contact with the grandchild. The “child” is 15 now, and her father and step-mother have never taken her for a day and certainly never had her for a few days. He pays his support, that’s it. And the DIL is very bitter about that, since her husband changes jobs a lot. I think a lot of her issues stem from her fundamentalist religious beliefs. The years of thinking her marriage is tainted by “that child” finally snapped the poor lady. In a bitter screaming session she recently revealed to us ” I know my father was right, you guys just think of me as a homewrecker!” Not at all – he was never engaged to or living with the “baby momma”(very nice person, mature and respectful). It explains 15 years of wondering , “why is she so standoffish and uncooperative?” We were at war – we had no idea.
I am in the same boat as you all I been with my husband 24 years married 19.5 years he is the baby out of 3 children 2 boys one girl since day one I was never good enough I was given away by my mom at 4 I went through 22 foster homes abusive homes she tried to compare her life to mine she’s never been in foster care ….. on the day of my wedding she told me I wasn’t the on one she wanted her son to marry she bullied me we lived there 2 years she did everything possible to make me feel like shit i was shit to her …. We built a new home in 2004 right behind there house cause they gave my husband land he took it life’s been so infuriating I had my first daughter while living there after we married she took to her saying oh she loves her because she looks like them I have 4 daughters now she brain washed my oldest saying how terrible a mom I was 8 years ago when my oldest was 10 she left my house moved in with them I begged my husband to go get her he did nothing now she’s 18 hates me does nothing for me wants nothing to do with me I wasn’t allowed at her prom this summer made me look like a fool at her mock graduation tells people I gave her away which is a lie she hopes I die tells her friends this my other 3 girls 17,11,10 all see what the grandparents did to my oldest they don’t have a relationship much with them because they give everything to my oldest they bought her a car gave her land money she doesn’t want for nothing but my other 3 girls get shit on they look like me so she doesn’t want anything to do with them my husband never stood by my side they would call me terrible names in front of my kids or if we ate out in front of strangers like your a rat ugly bitch or your ugly u look like shit I felt with it alone no one stood by my side my in-laws would write down my every move for the lawyers she called for me to get divorced they hate me nothing I ever do is right they ruined my life my kids and I lost my oldest thanks to them and there proud of themselves my oldest acts like them the worst part is I work with my husband and father in law on a lobster boat here in Nova Scotia Canada it’s hard on me no support I’m to the point of should I just move on from my marriage my husband never hugs kisses or makes love anymore if I gain weight he just doesn’t wanna be near me if I lose weight he’s all over me … I never thought the verbal abuse would continue from my childhood I always said life’s gonna be better it’s not my husband can do no wrong in her eyes I die tomorrow and they would be so happy I tried to be an amazing person to them they shit on me I stopped talking to them for years they still talk shit about me on Facebook to there friends they even got my oldest and her boyfriend against me I rarely ever see her now …. The house we live in my husband picked it my opinion was never important it’s him him
Him I just really need some friends no one likes me we live in a small community town and her lies has made me no friends I don’t have any family either except my kids help please I really need some advice??
I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over 6 year years. We have two children together. My mother in law refuses to have anything to do with me but wants to have involvement with my children. she will invite my partners over with my kids and not include me. My partner has tried to mediate the situation but she does not want anything do with me. I feel as thought the treatment is physiologically abusive. Am I wrong for feeling that this arrangement going on will in the long run caused damage to my family, my children and also my mental health.
10 years together and not only do they still exclude me and our 7-yr-old daughter together, but they are still actively trying to break us up.
Reading all the stories makes me realize I am not alone! Married 30 years and still get treated like dirt. Yet they praise us for our 2 boys ,24 and 28 and tell us what a great job we did but yet my husband and I r awful people! In the beginning it was so bad I did the worst thing you can do when dealing with narcissistic toxic people. I wrote a letter telling them how hurt I was. Bad move. Still
in their safety deposit box to pull out when the wills are read to make sure everyone knows why we are excluded out of the will, which I could care less about! My husband had cancer 22 years ago and his family was never there for us! While he was going through treatment we went to a funeral for a family friend who had the same name as my husband and who died of cancer. The minister stood there and said ‘John’ was a wonderful son, husband, father, etc. My husbands parents were there and listened to the eulogy that almost sounded like it was for their son! After the funeral they walked right by us like we were invisible. At our nephews wedding we were seated at the kiddie table away from the entire family. Today is Thanksgiving and my father in law is on his death bed and no one will set aside anything so that my husband can say good bye to his father. It never ends. After 25 years of this we went to a psychologist as I blamed myself for years. He told us after 5 minutes that this was a toxic narcissistic family and I could continue to go to functions and be emotionally abused or walk away. I walked away from most of them. Now our nieces and nephews do emotionally abusive things as they know they are allowed to treat us this way. At my sons graduation party his grandmother refused to come but sent a quilt she made for him. My niece walked over and was looking at it while my son held it up in front of an entire room of friends. When we asked what she was doing her response was ‘Looking to see where grandma embroidered your dead to me’ Then she along with her husband and my brother in law all started laughing. My poor son looked devastated and all the guests were horrified. Many upon many stories. Highly recommend a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. The hurt of being excluded never ends but at least you get tools to deal with it. Good luck to all!
My husband and his ex found out they were pregnant after they had split. She left him for a guy at work and actively tried to hide her location and changed her number three times. He wasnt there for the birth or first three months of the babys life bc he simply could not find her. His parents were wounded by this as they were close to his ex.
Present day, my husband and I met and got married fast. 6 years later and 3 kids later, we are treated like outsiders. His parents are on eggshells around me. They have gotten better about treating my kids better as they treat my husband’s son from his previous marriage like he’s God’s gift to the earth. They never contract me to hang out or bring the kids over. I can count on 2 hands how many times they have been to our house since weve been married. I’ve always initiated to bring the kids to them. Well when I slack they get offended that I’m keeping my kids from them when I’m really waiting for them to initiate or invite my kids over. The whole situation is so cringe. My biological kids opened one present from the grandparents and our eldest son from the previous marriage opened two. They keep it toned down because I have cried A LOT but the favoritism still shows it’s dim glows from beneath. I guess they are still really hurt from his previous marriage and dont want to get to know me.. but im not sure. The whole situation just really sucks..me and my kids arent the og tribe. Ive mostly moved on and dealt, but things come up every once in a while and I just imagine life away or what if we had just not gotten married would his parents have liked someone else more. But our kids are precious and my main priority to think about, not this. Sometimes just need to vent
In my case my inlaws treated my husband like the black sheep for a long time. He struggled with addiction when he was younger and I guess at that point it was easy to write him off. They were never a close and supportive family. He’s been clean for over 17 years now but it’s only recently that they’ve started to accept him as part of the family. He/they lost their father a few months ago (he has two brothers and a sister) and with their mother having passed years ago I think they finally look at him differently. I’m grateful they no longer have the need to exclude him.
We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 9 and for myself I can’t seem to warm up to this change in attitude. I’ve had my own issues with biological family and was an emancipated minor at 14… I don’t trust people easily, or at all really and after so long of being apart from them, I have no use for these inlaws now. I’m glad my husband gets a chance to connect with them and I fully support that but I want no part of people like this myself. It’s a tough situation but it does really bother me how people think they can treat you poorly for a long time and then one day decide not to and you’re supposed to just fall in line and make believe everything is OK.
Iam married with my loving husband for more than 10 years now. For our years of marriage I never experienced I belong or Im part of their family. During gatherings they would often ignore me. When Im saying something, nobody listens. They would instantly change the topic or walk away. Everytime we will invite them my SIL would always give a bad comment about my cooking and compare it to my MILs cooking. My MIL is always comparing our parenting skills to her other children wherein in reality our children are growing up to be smart, talented, sensitive and well mannered kids. Their children on the other hand, talks back, spolied and disrespectful.
Two years ago i experienced depression because of how Iam treated. We talked to them and told them how we felt. My MiL was very deffensive and told us that i was never treated poorly. She said that, that is just how they are. My husband decided to stay away from them. For several months it was wondeful because im starting to heal. But recently they stated inviting us again. It was ok in the beginning but the icy glares and belittling starts happenning again.
They acused me of being manipulative and pretentious of the affections i showed them.
I realized that the more effort i try to make them appreciate me the more I feel emotionally abused.
I just want to be free from all these toxicity and drama. Is there a better way to handle this?
My two sisters are unaccepting of my wife and are hostile toward her due to their own insecurities. Wife doctor, sisters nurses. They had been verbally backstabbing her for years to other family members, confirmed by my brother. Finally had enough and confronted them, giving them the opportunity to make things right. They refused, saying that there was nothing wrong with their behavior. Wanting no part of their hostility, I cut them off – not speaking for more than 10 years now – and much more peaceful now. Mother is easily manipulated by one of the sisters whom she thinks “walks on water. That sister has four sisters-in-law and is on speaking terms with just one. So where does it seem the problem lies? Unfortunate and sad, because I value healthy family ties, but they had to go and they have gone out of our regular lives.
I scanned over these comments. It’s awful. I’m sure my story would sound like the ones above. Mother in law, father in law, brother in law and extended family (why there is so much extended family I don’t understand) have treated me very badly. Although now that I think about it, many people in extended family were nicer to me. I’ts been 15 years and my stomach hurts trying to imagine going to a funeral this weekend. I probably won’t go. They do scapegoating and I’ve been the target quite a few times. I’ve had my mother in law call me things to my face – that I wouldn’t call ANYONE. I just don’t understand. My husband is in denial over it / he says: you can go if you want, if you don’t want to, don’t go. Just all their ugliness comes out during these social events. Things are so ugly now. I don’t remember people being so evil to other people. Was I really that coddled as. child? I remember it being so hard then too. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE NOW? I screamed alone at my house for two years when I was sick and all they said to me was this: “So and so didn’t clean out their garage.” (It’s meant to shame so-and-so, and they were obviously also referring to my garage.) COULDN’T THEY SEE HOW SICK I WAS?
Just 5 months ago I found my husband’s bio dad & his brother & sister & the sister which I have met in person 1 time seems to think I’m antsy because I had to grab a bite after we drove for 3 hours to meet them & then don’t like me for not asking her mother if she wanted to set in the front seat of my car when we were goin to the church. But I did ask and she declined. Is she trying to find a reason not to like me?
I just married my husband almost a year ago we have been together almost 11 years. His family leaves me sitting by myself and they have toast welccoming others in the family never me..
I just married my husband almost a year ago we have been together almost 11 years. His family leaves me sitting by myself and they have toast welcoming others in the family never me..
i tried, to involve them in my life but they wanted full control of me and my kids so i kept it pushing and dodged a major bullet with them so i thought not knowing my husband was doing their bidding
I’m the mother in law of a gas lighting dil who is so people oriented they socialize & party every weekend. They drink constantly. My husband & I are the ones who has been left out. They’ve bullied me & rejected me from the beginning of their marriage. My dils family is favored & treated special, always put above us. We don’t count & never have. My son won’t stand up for me. He just lets things happen that have hurt me tremendously. So much has happened in 30 years of being left out. It’s taken me all these years to realize what they did to my self worth. I could write a book about the terrible treatment I endured even after our grandkids were born. My husband is in agreement that it’s time to let them go for our own peace of mind. It’s too painful for me to go into detail about everything that has gone on but we are strong willed & we love & respect each other so much. I feel it’s a new beginning for us but right now it’s very painful. I know I’m getting too old to be around the toxicity any longer.
I also am on the other end of this issue. My son is getting married next month and the girl he is marrying has not seen us in 3 years! We have not seen our son in over a year because she makes him feel guilty when he does.
The whole issue started over them planning their wedding. This girl was at our house at least 5 days a week for the 3 years they went out eating supper with us almost daily and going on family vacations. When they were planning the wedding she was inviting over 100 of her family but we were limited to 25. When I protested that that seemed very unfair the troubles started.
We are invited to the wedding because she does not want it to look bad that no one in my son’s family is attending. My son told us if we don’t go he will never speak to us again.
So…..we are going, but then the ball is in their court and I am done!
There are always to sides to everything. I may be outspoken on some things, but she is a piece of work! I once asked her to pick up blueberries at a farm she worked part time at. When she got to the house I asked what I owed her and she actually charged me! This girl ate at our house all the time!
She would also bake occasionally and only bring stuff for my son, never include us.
I pity my son in this marriage, but his bed not mine.
I am desperately need advice..
I am in relationship for 4 years. He is 12 years older than me. His family seem perfect human, I’ve never met anyone act like a perfect human, its hard to fit in. The like seem to perfect, my bf is 60, & his two other sisters are in 60’s as well. They all told me how spoiled they are. They were raised spoiled,they said. Here’s our problem. My bf does have no emotion at all, he never act or shows that he has, he told me many times that he can’t feel emotion. I am sensitive, emotional & emphatic. When we have disagreement, we try to talk, he talks & I sympathized him, I give & give. But he does not valid my feelings, when I started to cry, he walked away & shut me off. Or when I get upset he does not want to talk, he tells me he will talk if I don’t cry, upset, but when we talked again, he does not heard me, he does not value my opinion, feelings.. he would break up, then I get back with him..I never had this experience before, what he wants he gets, & he does not compromise, he is a good guy, but my feelings are not valid, 3 weeks ago I got engaged, he asked his family, the rest of the family is okay with me, his 58 years sister she truly disapproved of me, I was/still am deeply hurt, I’m take good care of her brother, I also took care their own father until he passed. The family has money, the family are very close. But the sister is known to be very critical & judgmental, after she told my fiance that she does not approve me, I was torn inside..everybody in the family seem to follow what she wants, they seem afraid to speak up to her., the reason that she does not approved because i had a ticket while i had a drink. Spent 2 night in jail..one night, I had a drink & message her, it wasn’t anything rude, but my wording was direct, I told her why are you worried who your brother choose to marry, while you don’t give a damn visiting your ailing father in the nursing home. I told her if she had issues with me, is to speak to me directly not to her brother. Now, my fiance told me that he never been so embarrassed & humiliated in his entire life, I explained to him, that I only stood up to his sister, why is she allowed to be so critical & judgmental towards me & I can’t stand up..
For one why marry a 60 yr old he will never be able to stand up on his own lmao n for 2 I think the reason why he shows no emotional attachment towards anything is because he’s prolly been hurt before most likely he was prolly in a relationship where he’s shown a lot of emotion and it cost him a lot n as they get older they get more stubborn n limp 😂 jokingly *
I’ve been with my husband for 10 yrs and we have a child together our daughter just turned 4. Ever since for the past 4 yrs my in laws always try to make her match for holidays n I hate it I want my daughter to grow up knowing she don’t have to be like everyone else she’s her own person. And it’s hard to say anything because I live on my in laws property I get into arguments with my husband about it every single year. For my daughters 4 th birthday I planned me n his mom taking her out just me n her next thing I know my husbands sister is invited she asked me do u care if she meets us don’t wanna hurt her feelings I said I guess she said why what’s wrong I said was hoping to just get this done just u n me n my child she said y’all gotta get along for the kids sake I said I’m always nice to her it’s her that’s rude needless to say it’s not happening again next year.. my daughter picked cotton patch cafe to eat n they brought her cake n ice cream n sang to her my SIL said just take the ice cream off when u bring the cake n give it to my child her mom was laughing I looked at her n rolled my eyes n started watching football on tv in the corner the waitress thank god didn’t do that to my daughter the birthday princess instead brought my husbands niece her own ice cream.. every time we go shopping I’m always pushed to the side like my opinion doesn’t matter anyway my MIL and my SIL are gone shopping today for my SILs birthday and guess who wasn’t invited me and my daughter . Couple weeks ago they had this thing down at the park well I wasn’t told anything n I asked my FIL if we’re doing Taco Tuesday n he said no MIL going somewhere with SIL I said ok I’ll let my hubby know he said aren’t u going I said I didn’t know anything bout it n I’m not invited I said I better get home we’re never invited to anything they do later that evening my MIL txted asking if we wanted to go I said nah we’re ok y’all have fun. Anyway hating the life n not looking forward to thanksgiving or Christmas seriously thinking bout asking my dad to send me a bus ticket n me and my daughter going to his house for thanksgiving dinner lol
Could never work it out. So we both grieved the loss of the relationship and have moved on
So when I first dated my husband things were fine with my father-in-law although he never really showed any interest getting to know anything about me because of my job. I’m a full time artist but he doesn’t think that’s a job and more of a hobbie. I’ve made a promise to my grandfather before his passing that I would continue my art as a job and not a desk job because he believed in me that much. He taught me everything that I now carry on to this day however my father-in-law doesn’t understand that so he basically ignored me. Fast forward to my marriage to my husband my father-in-law continues to ignore me because he cannot fathom why I am not like him with a desk job. I’ve tried the “getting approval” and “getting to know you” approach which has left me tired and quite frankly heartbroken. My mother-in-law has explained that if you’re not exactly like him then he doesn’t bother into getting to know that person. He also doesn’t treat me like a human. I’ve had a moment where we were all on family holiday and I just got out of the car and he immediately screams at me to watch the luggage not even allowing me the second to collect myself. I at first could not hear him so then he purposefully spoke be l slower. I watched the luggage while he went to check the hotel and later when he came back I apologized to which he scoffed and walked away. I’m at the point where I don’t really want to bother getting to know him or even have a family relationship because I find that I need to distance myself from toxic behavior. Is that wrong? I’m not sure if there’s anything I should do.
I’ve had ups and downs with this over 16 year marriage. Definitely his parents are embarrassed of me, – maybe a cultural differences thing, as our families are opposite politically and geographically. It’s like I’m never dressed well enough, and my child is never dressed well enough. (but only according to their style) You can feel that eye going up and down and then a fakey- “positive vibes” kind of thing. I’ve been worried that the family might try to get rid of me when they see that I’m probably not going to change much. (in physical appearance) I’m pretty confident in myself and don’t play social games very well. I tend to be passive and then just come home and cry. Thankfully my husband is very supportive – of me and of them. He really loves all of us. They also love him and our daughter very much. Yes they have rejected me (not from all events, but some, and also from a sense of emotional ‘belonging’.) I’ve read elsewhere that I should accept and mourn that this relationship w/ in-laws will never be supportive of me beyond what they can do for our daughter. Which is a lot when I’m honest. People do help in the ways that they can, including my in-laws. It’s just awfully sad and luckily in our situation – not outwardly ugly. Though I’ve come to accept my own ugliness and realize this is a hard step for some people to take.
It has been already 13years I am married. and I still cannot allow myself to forgive and forget my mother in law and my sister in law for being so defensive about marriage to her son or bother. I was shamed for leaving my mom alone back in my country, for having a different religion than them and for not knowing me. I cannot get over it, even though so many years passed, i am not ready to forget, and even more i feel rage for what happened to me. I just wish i could turn the time around and would have turned away from this marriage. Back then, I was desperate, it felt like it was the last train, chance to have a family and a child. Sometimes i feel really bad and just want to end it. For me the love that love that they show in TV never happened. I feel wasted.
Mine is a different story,I got pregnant when I was still in college and it was twin pregnancy,my boyfriend took me home and they never said anything, after 2 months we disagreed and that’s how he left me 6 months pregnant,I persevered the emotional touture,at birth I just realized I was carrying twins whom I lost one after 4 days,my in-laws never came, even my boyfriend never came,I buried my baby then went home,we met someday when my kid was 2yrs with the dad of my boyfriend,he gave me a warning that I should never give birth to kids belonging to his son,I was shocked and UpTo date it hurts me alot
Oh I’ve been married for 36 years and I still don’t know how to respond to in-laws that reject you. It will always hurt. At least it will always hurt me. The main takeaway for me, is to treat my two daughters-in-law like beloved family members. That’s the big lesson for me. I would rather die than to cause any pain for my two daughters. I would feel terrible if I ever treated them the way that I was treated: like a big nobody. So I guess I consider the rejection I felt as a “gift” because I know how it feels to be rejected by your in-laws. I even had one of my sisters-in-law tell me that I will “never be accepted by the family” and she said this while I was 7 month pregnant. My goodness, that was very painful to hear. I was shocked. And I didn’t say or do anything deserving of this treatment. She hated me because she was jealous. Nothing else. So, I can’t say that I’ve figured out how to deal with in-laws that reject you since rejection is always a painful way to be treated under any circumstance. It’s never right to reject anyone. It’s mean and cruel.
I’ve been married 35 years. Wife’s family have never treated me as a family member which is the total opposite of my family’s love for her. My wife’s ex husband is related to her family through two siblings marrying. They still maintain great relationships. I’m not included in any family functions. Our children maintain a nice relationship with her family but not close like the other cousins, and wife’s oldest child from former marriage has been horribly behaved and has been at the tip of the sword of the continuing this with my wife’s grandchildren who has alienated their grandmother. They never visit us They only see her in their town or at major family functions. Both sets of children though are close. So for that alone I’m happy. But to be treated like “ turd in the punch bowl” has taken its toll. My wife hasn’t really ever confronted her family fearing further alienation. But 35 years is a long time to be the black sheep.