Do you often get stuck in the middle of family fights?
It’s challenging to be pulled into a conflict of any kind, but especially when it’s family. Maybe there’s conflict between your spouse and a family member or disagreements between relatives. Your family trusts you as a mediator or voice of reason, but that might mean you play referee regularly.
Getting stuck in a family fight means you feel pressured to pick sides. But when it comes to our own families, we rarely have objectivity. You love the people on both sides of the conflict, you want them to get along, and you don’t want to be at the mercy of unfair demands.
So how do you step out of family fights and let them resolve it on their own — once and for all?
Step Back and Let Them Work It Out
Your deep bond with your family makes it a little too easy to get pulled into drama. Because you love each of these individuals, you want them to be in harmony. Being stuck in the middle of conflict is miserable, but watching their conflicts put a damper on holidays and special occasions is equally upsetting. Can’t your family gatherings be peaceful for once?
We understand why you’d want peace when you’re together. You love and value your family, so naturally, you feel like you are responsible for fixing the friction between them. Still, sometimes the best thing you can do in these situations is to step aside and let them work it out.
You don’t have to get in the middle of family conflicts, even though it may feel like that in the moment. And, you might be surprised: They just might be able to work through their issues independently now that you’ve stepped out of the argument. Remove yourself from the conflict as much as possible and see what happens.
Set Boundaries and Speak Up
Being the third person between two people in conflict is a tense, uncomfortable place. Attempting to intervene can prevent resolution. You know this now, but your feuding family members might not be. So what next?
Your next best step is to set boundaries that prevent you from repeating the same cycle. Healthy boundaries for this situation might look like:
- Refusing to discuss either party (or the conflict) with the other (i.e., not responding to statements like, “Can you believe what he/she said?”)
- Avoiding discussion of the conflict with anyone in the family; one or both sides of the argument could try to use other relatives to pull you back in
- Leaving the room or the gathering if an argument starts or escalates
- Declining invitations to family events if the conflict is severe or ongoing
Speak up for yourself when needed. Don’t be afraid to say, “This is between you two. I’m stepping out of it.” At the very least, you’ll feel relieved just by removing yourself from the situation.
When to Intervene
There’s an appropriate time for everything. While it’s good to remove yourself from family conflict when you can, there will also be times when you need to intervene. For instance, maybe a family member is treating your spouse unkindly or unfairly. You need to take ownership of that situation because it’s your responsibility to stand up for your spouse. In this case, you are your spouse’s advocate.
For ongoing relational issues, it’s best to encourage family members to work their problems out themselves. You might also need to accept that their relationship may never be ideal. Even then, you still don’t have to be in the middle of every disagreement.
If you struggle with setting healthy boundaries for yourself, our book, Healthy Me, Healthy Us, is the guide you need. Our relationships are only as healthy as we are. If you focus on becoming healthier, you’ll be in a better position to step out of family conflicts when you feel pressured to intervene. Get your copy here.
How do you stay out of family conflicts? Share your tips with us in the comments.
