You want your spouse to earn more money. Is that unreasonable?
Financial conflict is one of the most common sources of marital tension. Money can be a volatile topic. This is especially true for spouses who come from different economic backgrounds or have differing values around spending, saving, and earning.
There are many reasons why you might want or need your spouse to earn more money. These can include:
- Building an emergency fund
- Cost-of-living expenses
- Desire to buy a house
- Having children
- Health concerns and associated costs
- Job loss or reduction in pay
- Maintaining a particular lifestyle
- Rent or property tax increase
- Single-income household
- Travel, entertainment, or leisure goals
Every situation looks different for every couple. Your reason for wanting your spouse to earn more money will be different from another person’s. Regardless, you feel like you’ve reached an impasse despite asking your spouse to make changes.
Maybe your spouse has resisted your request to make more money, maybe more than once. They might be finding it difficult to make the needed changes. Or, they might not have said no; they just don’t seem as concerned about it as you are. Are you truly being unreasonable, or is your spouse?
Economic Backgrounds Influence Financial Attitudes
When it comes to money, earning, and finances, we tend to be hardwired like the families we come from. Maybe you grew up in a home where it was important to have great resources and a specific quality of life. But if your spouse came from a family that was content with earning less, or had different expectations than your family, then it’s natural for you to feel conflicted.
It’s easy to look at your own life and the way you were raised and to believe that’s the only right way. That doesn’t mean you don’t value each other, your relationship, or time spent together. You both have something great to contribute to your marriage; you just have to find a balance that works.
Work to Understand Each Other’s Perspective
Discussions about income and earning can be sensitive. Consider sitting down with a piece of paper and writing down each of your reasons for wanting more income. Then, beside each reason, write down its payoff. This can help you communicate your desires more clearly to your spouse. Sometimes, putting things in writing can cut through an emotional discussion and help your spouse understand where you’re coming from.
Ask your spouse to do the same exercise, writing down their reasons for holding steady at their current income. It’s essential to get to the heart of your feelings so you can empathize with one another. It may be that your spouse also wants to make more money, but wants to hold onto their current job because the working environment is healthy and they get along with their coworkers. They may be afraid of taking a new job, only to have a negative experience.
Once you’ve discussed the reasons behind what you each want, work toward a compromise. Maybe you can settle on a contained amount of overtime work for specific financial goals. Your spouse might be open to considering a job change that allows for a higher salary with similar working hours. When you understand each other better, you’ll see that you likely have many shared values in this area, and finding a solution will feel easier.
Need extra help resolving money conflicts in a productive way? Our book, The Good Fight, is a guide designed to help couples navigate and resolve disagreements–and strengthen your marriage in the process. Take a look and pick up your copy here.
Have you and your spouse ever disagreed about income? Were you able to resolve the conflict in a way that worked for everyone? Let us know in the comments.
I feel like there was a real opportunity missed here. We’re seeing a rise in spouses placing responsibility on one person to fulfill their outsized expectations that are dependent upon money. Many want to be able to live like they’re millionaires, and recreate the social media lifestyles that they see, but aren’t reflecting on how that affects their marriage and their mental health. I suppose that would have made this blog a bit longer, or only addressed that one specific issue, but to not address it at all was an interesting choice.