Can you stop your spouse from staring at the opposite sex?
It’s a pretty common problem among couples: one spouse spots an attractive person, and they have a hard time looking away. What can you do to put a stop to that? Is it even possible?
It can feel threatening for our spouse to notice another person’s appearance. But it’s a part of nature. We enjoy beauty, and as humans, we’re going to notice an attractive person from time to time. So how should we handle that?
Is It Noticing or Staring?
There’s a difference between noticing someone’s appearance and staring in an uncomfortable way. If your spouse’s attention lingers on an attractive person for too long, it’s understandable why you might feel uneasy. For instance, a man might be captivated by a beautiful woman walking by, or a woman might feel attracted to a handsome man.
The question is, how do they handle that natural urge to look? There’s a difference between admiring a beautiful garden and coveting it. Likewise, acknowledging is not the same as ogling.
Does Your Spouse Comment on Others’ Appearances?
It can be unsettling for your spouse to make comments about people they find attractive. The question is, what’s the nature of these remarks? Noting that someone has a great smile or sense of style could be harmless.
On the other hand, if your spouse compares that person to you or makes inappropriate comments about them, that will damage your intimacy. It’s hard to feel connected when your spouse is preoccupied with the way someone else looks. That naturally erodes your sense of self-confidence and makes it difficult to trust.
Have a Chat With Your Spouse
Keeping an open line of communication is so important in marriage. It’s especially crucial for conflict resolution. If your spouse’s staring is causing you to feel upset and uncomfortable, it’s time to have a chat with them.
Lovingly explain how much they mean to you, and how it makes you feel when you notice them staring at the opposite sex. You could try saying something like, “I love you and I’m committed to our marriage. But when I notice you staring at other people, I feel sad and uneasy. I worry I might not be enough for you.”
Getting vulnerable with your spouse can catalyze change, particularly when they don’t realize how you’re feeling. Approach the conversation with honesty and love. Most importantly, keep an open mind; they may not realize how they’ve been coming across.
Finally, make a plan for how to handle these situations in the future. It could help to lay down some ground rules for when you find someone attractive. Will you acknowledge it in good humor? Will you choose to look away instead? The answer depends on your comfort level and what works best for you.
If you and your spouse need to overcome a staring problem, focusing more on one another will pay dividends. Our book, Making Happy, will help you boost the happiness factor in your marriage and turn your attention toward each other. Learn more and get your copy here.
Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with your spouse about staring? How did you move past the issue? Tell us more in the comments.
My wife and I make it a game – we know it is normal to notice attractive people, so we actually talk about it. Attractive or not? What makes them attractive? The danger is in desire – if we desire that person, then there is a problem. Honestly, we have fun people-watching. She is not threatened by me noticing another attractive person (I even point out attractive men, so it is not just one sided). She knows that ultimately I only have eyes for her. We laugh a lot. And have for 35 years now.
I want to reiterate as in the article above – there is a huge difference between noticing and leering. Leering, discontentment, unhealthy desires, porn, etc. need attention from a third party.
I’m not yet married but I believe that preoccupation with noticing another person can detract from emotional intimacy and objectify what makes others attractive instead of the real appreciation each person should receive. Incidents such as those eyes comments, reduce the intimacy between partners and sometimes create the ‘should I have that eye color thought’. Instead, I agree with prayer and focusing more on each other. Internal acknowledgment of someone’s attractiveness should not become exalted.