Last week, we talked about the importance of sharing hobbies and activities with your spouse. It’s great when the two of you can find common ground and cultivate shared activities, but what happens when your spouse is completely consumed by his or her own hobbies?
While it can make life interesting to be married to someone who is so deeply engaged with an activity they love, it can quickly become difficult. Once the honeymoon period has passed, you might find that your spouse begins to gradually move toward his or her favorite pastime–eventually favoring it over spending time together.
There comes a point in a person’s passion for their hobby when that passion goes beyond a healthy level of interest. A passionate interest can take over their personality and their life (and yours, too!). It can feel totally intimidating when you feel like you have to compete with something your spouse is obsessed with.
If your spouse’s favorite hobby or activity has stolen them from your marriage, it may be time to address the issue and set some boundaries.
Approach Your Spouse About All-Consuming Hobbies
First, be empathic and have respect for your spouse’s interests. Even though you’re feeling upset, it’s important to approach your spouse with care. Chances are, they want to have a healthy relationship too, so speak the truth lovingly as you let them know what you need.
You need to be able to tell your spouse, “I love your hobby, and I’d never ask you to let it go. But it’s almost like you’re absent because your hobby is getting all your good energy.”
Let your spouse know that is feels like the obsession is beginning to take over, and while you want them to continue being able to enjoy their interests, you’re going to need more focused time with them–just the two of you.
Rather than complaining, brainstorm some good suggestions before your approach your spouse. Ask your spouse to block off 1 or 2 nights a week to spend with you, for date night, family movie night, or something similar. This will help them feel like they’ve still got freedom to spend time on their hobby, but now they know what your desires and and what is expected of them.
The biggest payoff for you? You won’t have to worry every night whether you’re going to get any attention from your spouse. You’ll be free to feel more enthusiastic about your spouse’s hobby because you’ll feel like there’s a part of them reserved for you.
Take Time for Yourself
Now that your spouse has agreed to set some time aside to spend with you, it’s time for you to decide how to spend time when they’re occupied with their hobby. When he or she has an activity planned, schedule some time with your friends or take your kids on a fun outing.
Whatever you do, give yourself something to look forward to! Don’t let yourself get bogged down and angry over a list of things your spouse isn’t doing while they’re engaged in their hobby. Fuming about your husband or wife taking time for their hobby isn’t going to do you any good, so find ways to enjoy yourself instead.
And you never know–when you start taking some time to do your own thing while they do theirs, they might even begin to miss you.
Learn to Share Your Spouse’s Hobby
Once you’ve established your designated time together every week and decided to start making your own plans outside those days, it’s time to start investing some of your energy into their hobby. That may sound strange, but stay with us here.
Sometimes the greatest times of connection you’ll have with your spouse are when you purposefully step into his or her passion and spend a little time there instead of fighting against it. You might find that you share the best conversations or experiences together during these times.
Finding that shared experience together is the key–that’s when your spouse’s spirit will really open up. They’ll feel valued because you took the time to step into their happy place, to share that passion for an activity or interest that is obviously very important to them. And they’ll feel energized because not only are they participating in something that gives them joy; now they’re getting to share it with you.
There are so many opportunities for deep, meaningful intimacy to be forged just by showing interest in something your husband or wife loves. Ask questions to enter your spouse’s world as much as possible, see what’s good about it, then share it to the degree that you can. Why not be a part of something your spouse enjoys, in some way?
Does your spouse have an all-consuming hobby? How have you learned to spend more time together? Leave a comment and let us know!
I hope this reaches dr Les and Leslie. My fiancée and I came to fight night in Feb of 2016. We were in love and happy. I don’t know how to get a hold of you so I am trying this way. We have come to a very difficult impass and I am hoping you can reach out to her or just pray for us.
How do I get more attention my husband
did it end up working out?
My husband has always been a car fanatic since our dating days. I used to accompany him to car meets, races, mechanic shops, junk yards for parts, etc. It was honestly so boring to me but this was the only way I could spend time with him. I’ve always felt it was unfair and selfish of him to never think of my interests or needs, but I guess he needed to be told and guided.
Even as a married couple before having kids he would have project cars that he would spend every evening and weekend outside with while I was inside alone and pregnant. At times he wouldn’t come home from car meets until 3am.
This caused a lot of problems and distance between us emotionally. I never took the gentle and kind approach like Dr Les and Leslie talk about in this blog. I was way too bitter and resentful but I made sure he knew how I felt.
The only reason it has gotten better is because he has temporarily decided that it was financially better to get rid of his expensive car projects and car payments and opt for a reliable vehicle he could pay cash for. He has been around way more, spending more time with me and our son every evening and on the weekends. It’s been great, I just hope it lasts. I don’t mind him being into cars, I just think he has an obsessive personality that if it’s not cars, it would be work, or binge watching shows (which he has spent a lot of time doing since giving up his cars).
Please pray for our marriage and for me to be able to speak to him kindly and lovingly.
I relate to this so much! It’s like you’re describing my life. My husband is also a car fanatic and needs to spend all his extra time and money fixing cars, racing them, dreaming about new projects, pining over the Ferraris (Like we’ll ever have so much money as to be able to afford them!), etc! It is super boring and I really couldn’t care less about cars. It’s to the point that whenever he brings up cars in a conversation, it starts a fight because cars are the LAST thing I want to talk about. I also used to try to involve myself in his hobbies but I just can’t even pretend to like it. I’m becoming resentful too because every spare moment he has he’s itching to go to his friend’s garage and work on them. There’s never a full weekend where he’s just at home with the family and I’m beyond sick of it.
I’ll be praying for you and your family and that your husband can learn how to make you all a priority instead.
Peace,
Christie
Oh my. I literally LOL’d with a tear at both of your comments. I could have written them myself. My husband is OBSESSED with cars… It’s an actual addiction. Like, he needs ‘fixes’, like a drug. He is amazing with cars. Rebuilds engines, welds, body work… Etc. There is no doubt he has a talent for it. BUT we’ve been married for 10 years and both of us are engineers. I do not have a hobby or passion like he does. I work all day and find most hobbies exhausting at that point. I feel resentment because I feel like without me and my income he would not be able to do more than half of what he does. I feel like I’m his sponsor. I feel like he’s my spoiled grown son. On to of that, I’m pregnant with our first child… And I definitely feel like I’m doing this alone. All he can talk about is what car he needs to drive the child around in. He spends almost 100% of his time working in the shop, racing, texting racing buddies, searching the internet endlessly for car parts and cars. He actually has a Ferrari, Nissan 350z, Nissan 300, truck and car hauler, boat and side by side. He wants more all the time. At any given time in our marriage he’s never had less than 3 cars and sometimes upwards of 10 a time. He has purchased cars without telling me and hid them from me. He has purchased expensive car parts in the middle of the night without telling me and going against my wishes. I’ve taken the approach of the article but it doesn’t work. At the end of the day… It continues to be a problem. I am glad it’s not an addiction to women or drugs… But this is equivalent to gambling. Being pregnant I find myself getting emotional more and more because I’m worried for our marriage and future child. He has very little concept of how much money he spends and how much time he devotes to his obsession. I can’t even call it a hobby. I don’t even hate cars… But he makes me resentful towards them. I’m resentful towards his car buddies and the time they spend with him. I’m tempted to quit work after I deliver so he doesn’t have my income anymore and has to take a more serious look at our finances. It probably won’t work. I sometimes question if cars turn him on more than I do.
Wow..its like reading the story of my life!! This article was funny..I tried that years ago..
Wow…i feel for all u ladies! Im sadly in the same boat tho my husband uses the car thing as an excuse. 1st he blames my parents for moving here so it was a “feel the void” thing because I was getting them setup w drs appts and all. Now its become an obsession. He comes home from work and straight to the garage. He no longer does family stuff with us let alone eats with us. Half the time when I cook, he says hes gonna eat but doesnt OR IF hes hungry, he’ll make a plate and yup, u guesssed it, back to the garage. I tell myself that he going thru a midlife crisses as he is turning 43 and hangs w 20 yr olds at car meets.
Ive tried the whole getting into his hobby (tho yes boring) but I will take any moment with him even after him telling me he has no interest in what I do! Ya…im so lost right now…I feel like I dont know him anymore….
I wish all u ladies the best of luck and will be praying for ya’ll
I’m so glad there’s others out there going through the same thing. My husband becomes 100% attuned into one thing, which he lives, breathes, sleeps for constantly. And spends a fortune on it too. Then after a few months, he moves on to the next thing. And so on and so forth. I have tried what this article says many times. It works for a week or two then he goes right back to his obsession. It’s really harmed our relationship and I too feel resentment towards his obsessions. I can’t stand it anymore when he talks about them. It’s exhausting. I just wish he could put a quarter of that obsessive energy into us. He has mentioned wanting to see a therapist for it and says he’s going to, but it’s been nearly a year and he hasn’t done anything.
Has anyone found any other working solutions or compromises to this obsessive behavior? It’s gotten to the point where divorce is on my mind…
So glad to hear from other women going through the same. I just had a massive argument with my husband over the fact that I can’t even plan something nice for his birthday because he is always racing. I feel like he picks racing over everything, everytime.
Hi I totally can relate to everyone’s issues. My husband’s obsession is playing guitar and music. Any spare time or moment, he’s in his “ studio” practicing/playing his guitar or listening to music with his wireless ear buds. He works from home, and whenever he takes a break it’s his quotation he turns to. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but it always turns into a fight and of course he tells me I’m a “ baby”?! Really? Our home needs repairs and those come second. I’ve tried writing up a list of the repairs and he says to me “ who do you think you are giving me orders?” Again really?????? It’s my wat of letting him know that his home and family should be his first priority. He’s does on occasion do some laundry for me or pick up groceries. But I can see his hobby is his first priority. I’m retired, and our two adult kids still live with us. They both work full time and I don’t mind doing things like cooking for my family and keeping things clean. No one has to tell me or ask me to do these things.., I do them because my family and home are my priority. My daughter tells me “ mom things could be worse, he could be out drinking all the time” but I just don’t know how that makes things better. I feel that when a hobby takes over your life, there’s a problem. Whether it’s cars, golf, music… I go to the gym daily but I know my priorities. I’ve thought about leaving many times because I know things will not change. We’ve been married 30 years and he still doesn’t get it. He’s going to retire soon and oh my god I feel it’s going to get worse. When we do spend time together and go out, he’s right back at it as soon as we’re home. I’m honestly at a loss and I feel that no matter how I react whether sad or angry he just doesn’t care
I was searching online for a hobby/class/club, and came across this blog. Substitute sailing for cars and that’s my husband of 20+ years. I have joined him hundreds of times – just so tired of the selfishness. He’s obsessed and it takes over the entire summer (spring and fall) which used to be my favorite season. He drops everything for a sail and spends so much $$ on it – very selfish. When he’s not sailing, he’s watching you tube videos of people sailing. I’m looking for a hobby but unfortunately I’m not especially outgoing and so many meet up clubs/organizations are for young singles. I’ll keep looking and will try out a few things I’m sure. Would welcome a “hobby widow (widower) club” if one existed – we’d all have something in common 😉
I wonder if it was gently expressed to your husband that you need to spend dinners together or minimally 7 meals a week together. Mandatory, (however you express this firmly but kindly), to set and clear dishes and clean up after 7 meals a week. That would get him in the door and sitting down for 30 minutes. Then you could share a passion of yours such as hiking and where you would like to do that. Eventually after explaining your hobby, propose a family vacation at a mutually acceptable time that suites both of you. Vacationing in the national parks or visiting a vacation spot that either you or both of you agree on. Tell him your vision. Also ask about his hobby and vacation vision, which will make him happy as it will make you happy when he shares and listens to your ideas. Maybe one of your vacations some day will include a day for him at a car racing venue and a day for you doing something special together that you enjoy.
Men will stop and pay attention if you become playful with him. He wants to make you happy, so meet him halfway, and by listening to his hobbies and enjoy his excitement! Look for that spark in his eye and share that with him, and then explain your hobbies and what the rules of the hobby are. Tell him how the hobby makes you feel such as excited or relaxed. Men stop for two things consistently: food and to please you. Make his favorite dish and ask what it is. Then teach him how to please you. You make up the rules mostly on how he is to please you. Of course mutually agreeable things are best, but take the initiative and bring him into your world. He would not have married you if he wasn’t interested. First and foremost If there are health issues of any kind at all that may involve doctors or your GYN make a few appointments and find solutions. There are lots of solutions to health issues so be proactive. Eliminate any physical issues to be the healthiest you can be. This will enhance your wellbeing and is a first step.
Men also enjoy and need a healthy outlet for all their energy! Cars excite your man, and You do also!
You may want to ask him out on a dinner date and then maybe put on a pretty dress that makes you feel special, and some sexy shoes and drive him there if you desire. Some men will want to drive, so You figure out what makes him feel most cared for or manly. Give in to this with your guy if he prefers to drive.
If he has money to spend on car parts and his hobby, then it’s only fair that some “family money” is spent to your liking. I bet you do lots of housework, so that half the expendable family income is yours to spend on your hobby too. Then make plans for yourself! “Honey, I’m going out next Thursday to ______. Can you please watch the children, or make/pick up dinner etc., ask for help. Make it work for both of you. Show him attention and love. Hold his hand or put your arms around him. Give him a kiss on the neck or cheek when he is busy washing his hands. Show him what makes you smile. Tell him what he means to you and that he is attractive to you. Enjoy your differences and your similarities.
Another thing you can do is to grow your community by joining a group, or taking a dance class, church group, volunteer opportunities, quilting or book club. You decide.
Try to either join him for a half hour of his hobby, a day. At home Ask questions about anything. Even family events etc. This way he sees you trying first to connect and will be more likely to want to please you. Stop by the garage occasionally with a few snacks for the guys as a good will gesture. Two bags of chips and some soda will be appreciated. Be a team player. Try to eventually average 15 hours minimally together a week. This connects you to each other emotionally. This is a must so figure out how to do this. It might take a few months to instill these changes in the relationship. Slow and steady wins. Don’t force him, but enhance his life when you are with him. Cuddle and hug while you share a movie night.
If you argue at anytime try to say your item maturely. Explain exactly and use specific words to be extremely clear. Misunderstandings stink so be clear. “I’m concerned about _____ because it’s unhealthy. Wait until you can speak calmly. Ask him to sit with you. Hold his hands. Say what you need to once and then try your best to listen. It’s hard I know. If you or he become defensive try to realize his thoughts are valid too.When presenting a change: say your frustration and a few solutions to choose from once, mid day. Apparently people don’t want to start or end a day on a tough note.
Good luck. I feel for you. You can try your best to express gently when he has a full stomach and is happy.
oMG, I felt some sort of relief reading these few posts ( I thought that I was losing my mind & was the only one in this situation) . Same issue with my husband who has become a total recluse with a obsessive relationship with his cars & Co. I am so alone within our relationship. I also tried to compromise & he promised to have more balance but that’s impossible. I can’t even say anything anymore about his hobby without him exploding into a tantrum. I have stop working full time and enjoy working part-time as I am sick of seeing our hard earn cash being blindly splurged into HIS hobby. Tough tough one…. I’m drifting away.
Be glad it’s cars and not other women!!!!!!
I sat back and could literally imagine myself writing this exact comment one or two years in the future, but replacing cars with disc golf. Wtf is wrong with men?
My husband is also obsessed with disc golf. It’s infuriating. I asked him tonight if it was seriously so wrong to ask that he be home for an entire weekend just ONE TIME and he said it was like I am asking him to quit being himself. I am absolutely at my wits end.
Men are completely selfish and childish is the problem. If a problem can’t be fixed with a wrench then they’d rather just ignore it leaving us alone to suffer in silence. Then if you try to have a heart to heart conversation about how the car stuff is coming between you two they cut you off and huff out of the room angry because you “just don’t want them to have anything of their own” and that “they need time to decompress” well what about getting your fat ass out of the garage and taking a walk or a bike ride or working on the lawn or anything other than wasting hard earned money on a big metal piece of junk just so they can drive around and pretend they’re 17 again and have no responsibilities. I’ve wasted 25 years of my life on this BS and I’m so sick of it.
Hang on a second girls.
My wife took up archery and bought a camper van. She has joined the women’s camper van association of Ireland and goes to archery events, music festivals and “girls’ weekends” every week. She contributes nothing financially to the home, does no housework, cooking, laundry, cleaning etc at all. I am just expected to basically “man up and get over it”
I’ve been with my husband almost 15 years. We have 2 boys 10 and 10 months. He has ALWAYS had an issue with working. Can’t find anything, noone is hiring, never get a call, and when he does get a job there is ALWAYS something that happens that ends it!!! His passion that he spends ALL of his time EXCEPT when he HAS to watch the kids. Or if he’s actually working 😂. Music… He makes and produces music. Hes got friends and people who pay him 20 there 50 here. Basically his cigs and gas. I’ve invested my owm money into his passion for so many years. And time! I’ve supported him went to shows and help sell tickets for it more then once. I’ve done all the things it says in here to do…. After the second baby I feel he is not a worker or a provider…..but I am. I’ve started therapy. I’ve asked him about it. He doesn’t really give me an answer. I’m gaining confidence in myself to make the right decision. At the moment he is only making 100 a week. Smh and still spends all his time on 🎶. He knows how to manipulate me by using the love I have for him. God knows I love him and I want it to work. I just cant get over the resentment. Pray for me and I’ll pray for everyone.
I should have talked to those who’s spouse were obsessed with sports of any kind. My husband is obsessed with baseball, basketball, tennis, golf, horse racing, harness and throughbred, hockey, just anything that has sports attached. He does not participate in any sport outside our home. Our entire married life has been scheduled around who or what is playing or going on. He has gotten worse as he has aged. Our sex life became non-existent within 1 year of our later in life marriage. He was 53, never married, no children, and no steady career. After 6 years of college, he drove a truck, mainly, I believe, because he could not watch sports if he worked a 9-5 job. So he changed jobs frequently. I sometime, most of the time, feel like I took on the role of his mother. I am here because I had financial stability, and do the other mundane day to day chores. My children love him, he is a good man, kind, notice I left out loving, because his love of life is sports. I have told him many times, the Cardinals, Blues, etc will not care or even have a moment of silence when he passes,. He seldom attends a live game, he simply watches on his TV, Computer, and the other TV’s in the home if I am elsewhere. Would I marry him again? Absolutely not. He is so closed to life, we never travel together, he stays home to watch sports. I was given a nice package for 10 days, when I retired to a vacation in the Smokies. He went, and spent the entire time on the couch trying to get ball games on the TV. He did not once get into the hot tub or jacuzzi. When we went siteseeing, he stopped at a bar so he could watch sports, and told me to go ahead and see the sights, he would meet me at the bar when I was done. There are many more things, I am just too old and tired to move on.
I need help. My husband has a very obsessive personality. When he finds something he loves, he can’t get enough of it. When we were dating it was a computer game and as silly as it sounds, it came down to me or the game because he would invite me over to watch a movie but he would sit at his computer and game out while I was supposed to watch the movie. Thankfully he chose me. But then he just dives into something else. Fast forward 13 years. We have now been married for 11 years and have two daughters ages 7 and 5. I am a teacher so now that it’s summer I am home with them all day long. My husband has always enjoyed playing disc golf but due to his work schedule he was never really able to play much. Well his schedule has changed and we recently moved close to a course. He asked if he could join a disc golf league where they play every Monday night. I agreed to that because after all, he deserves to have a hobby. However, he quickly became obsessed and wants to meet up with the “guys” to play every chance he gets. So not only is he gone all day Monday between work and league but then he wants to play on Saturday’s and sundays too. When he goes he is gone for 3-5 hours at a time. We got in a huge fight this last Sunday because I told him no he couldn’t go because I wanted to spend time as a family. After all, he works all week and the evenings are filled with making supper and bathing children, etc. I spend all week alone with the kids and I want to spend time as a family on the weekends. He turns it around and tells me to go do something to get away from the kids then. I get so mad when he tells me that because honestly, I don’t have any hobbies! He doesn’t understand that I don’t want to get away from the kids, I just want him home with me and the kids. But if we aren’t “doing” anything besides sitting around the house together he gets upset because he could’ve been out playing disc golf. This past Sunday I got mad at him when he asked to go and I said that this has become is new “computer game” that he is obsessing with and it is seeming more important to him than his family. He of course took offense to that which I don’t blame him. I told him that when i agreed he could do league I was under the impression that it would be a once a week thing and that is it. I think what upsets me most is that he is out having fun with people that are half his age. They are all 20-25 without kids and families and he is pushing 40. He turned it around and told me to come with them then. I said, I don’t want to hang out with a bunch of 29 year olds and what would we do with the kids? He’s always telling me to get out of the house and go do something but I don’t want to. I just want him home with us. Am I being selfish? How can I talk to him about this without it turning into a fight? As silly as it sounds, it is ruining our marriage and it’s breaking my heart. We got over the fight basically because he got mad at me and we both hardly talked to each other the whole afternoon and I had to come up with something for us to do as a family then because he wasn’t going to just sit around. We took the girls fishing and put on happy faces for the girls but it was very uncomfortable. Then he goes on that evening like nothing ever happened. We seem fine now, but I know it will be an issue again this weekend. Sorry for the book but it felt good to write this all out.
I have been battling this same issue with my wife for several months now, and have been going to counseling as we also fight about this very thing (my hobby is yard work though -not disc golf). I will share a suggestion from our counselor. We are a family with 4 children (17,11,3,1), been married for 5 years.
My wife is a stay at home mom and I work full time 8-5 so the weekday nights are consumed by dinner and the kids. Come the weekend, I want to get out and work on a project. Saturday morning comes and my wife and kids will be hanging out in the house watching tv, on their devices, etc so sometimes I take this as an opportunity to get some work done in the house or yard, so will naturally navigate towards that. This has been upsetting my wife because she wants to “spend time with me” and go out on dates and do fun things, and views me picking a house project over her and/or the kids.- She views me working in the yard as an inconvenience also and she makes me feel guilty or like I’m walking on egg shells around her during these times. It feels like I’m in trouble the entire time I am fixing our house or doing yard work! I know it sounds silly, but she gets upset about it and says things like “your precious yard is more important than me”, tells me she is bored, and just becomes bitter. I tell her she should get out of the house, even telling her she can have her time to do something she likes while I watch the kids – but she never does.
I will even offer to take her out (with or without kids), but it never happens because nothing gets planned or we can’t find a babysitter, etc. I like to plan things in advance, bot be spontaneous. So when nothing is happening around the house, I find a project and this upsets her even when nothing is going on. She continues to make me feel like crap because I am choosing to do something with my time, and I don’t feel like it fair or right of her to not be supportive of the things I want to do. We have got into a few big fights over this the last few months, which makes me just resort back to my project cause I don’t want to be around her at that point, which fuels the fire. I just want the freedom to do the things I want, and her to do the things she wants. I despise her because of how she treats me in these scenarios and how it makes me feel and how it impacts our relationship. So we discussed this issue with our counselor. .
NOW what our counselor said: I need to always schedule both family and date nights every week and make her feel important like I did when we were dating – this is why she is being critical of me because she is not getting her time with me! I need to make her feel more important than any project. I need to step up and continually chase and court her, forever.
My wife is supposed to be SUPPORTIVE and respect the hobbies and things I like to do, as long as it is within reason and leaving room for family and date nights which should come first. We should always be thinking of the other person, and that means not only allowing them to enjoy the things they want to do, but being supportive and not critical if it. It is a give and take scenario, a balance, showing love and support for one another. I know this is easier said than done, but we are gonna try to implement this over the coming weeks/months. Pray for us!
Yes, my husband is obsessed with disc golf too. When I lost my job and entered a graduate program I had lots of free time. We began discing everyday. He worked nights, our son was at school during the day so we’d play. My husband doesn’t require much sleep. We would play 2 rounds a day. I thought we were bonding it was great. I finished my graduate program went back to work as a teacher. He plays several times
during the week while we’re at school. He’s currently working on call so if he’s off work and the sun is shining he is itching to get to the course. If I’m injured, don’t feel up to playing, or we don’t have a sitter he has no problem going without me. My feelings are hurt, I thought this was our thing. But the truth is he doesn’t care if I’m there or not. Our son hates disc golf and I’m starting to too. This hobby/obsession began about three years ago. We’ve been together 16 years. This is our constant fight. He’s not going to change or slow down. When I’m on the course guys always say they wish their girl would come play. But no matter how much I go it’s never good enough. There’s always more golf to play and I can’t keep up while I’m teaching. It’s just too much. I want to do other things with my free time since during the school year I don’t have a lot of it but he is just obsessed. I have to beg him to take the family to a movie or something. I almost feel like I should quit my job so I can save our marriage and just be his playmate. I just don’t know what to do.
Wow. . You sound miserable in your marriage. Is he interested in your children or grandchildren? There surely has to be something you both like, maybe you could nurture that and spend more time together without the sports. Have you thought of couples counseling?
My boyfriend golf’s non stop or works . He says he is provider and I could do what I want with my time . Of course when he was courting me it was all different. It is very hard to deal with this .
Honestly i feel that , but it is never too late to fullfill your dreams , girl you should move on and find inner peace for yourself , dont let this man dictate the life your supposed to live, you can at anytime go on your own and be whoever you want to be. i went homeless because i left mine, i didnt care but a month later i remarried and now im happier then ever , you got to takes chances and go for it otherwise your not living your just surviving , live your life and take back your control. Its scary but whats the other alternative lay down and the book closes on your ending just like that?
Jae I’m sorry and know how you fell. My boyfriend of 7 years is a baseball freak/obsessed/fantasizes baseball. He played all growing up and then went out of country to play baseball semi-pro. When we got into our relationship i knew he loved baseball but he also showed me the love and time that i needed to keep going forward with his baseball. We did talk about this in the beginning how it takes up alot of his time. He stated that he wouldn’t run Calripkin forever. So that was weight that i needed to e lifted off my shoulders and we love birds kept the relationship going. We would go on weekend getaway’s just him and I. waterfall catching, casinos, NYC just to get away. I felt like a queen, this is even with him coaching JV and VR high school baseball and also running a calripkin league tball-14 years old. Fast forward now. alot has change now i feel like I’m back in my marriage of 13 years that i had to get away from. Always alone and its always about the sports/hunting/him. Just couple weeks ago I tried to have a conversation with him saying we are getting older i LOVE traveling, i love going away on the weekend and going camping, waterfall catching. Why don’t you think of getting out of Calripkin and just focuse on JR & VR and what your kids are play ‘softball & baseball’. That didn’t go very well, he isn’t getting done anytime soon and he will never be done coaching High School. Mind you i didn’t ask him to be DONE i just asked if he would think about next year handing over the torch to someone else to run the program. This is hours of paperwork per night. This is being gone every night 8:30- 9 pm. he gets home when I’m ready to go to bed. This is Monday-Saturday. One more thing keep in mind his daughter is in Softball year round and his son is also year round. I get one measly day- and that day he is tried so we are home. Why is it only me making scarifies? Why I’m I the only one sad and lonely? why doesn’t he feel our time is important enough to give up One or the other? Im not to old to move on but i have 2 girls that love him and his kids and his kids love me and my 2.
Oh my goodness,this is my life with my husband,24hours a day,7 days a week all he thinks about is his car& I have totally been pushed to the side.I have cried so much because I feel so rejected. I’m happy he loves his hobby & yes he told me he still loves me but come on husbands,make time for your spouse too!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year at first he would get off the game and eat dinner or watch TV for a couple hours with me but he wakes up gets coffee get on the Xbox and is literally on it until about 4am . Literally a 18 hr day playing bdo . We spend no time together . We don’t conversate about anything . Unless he wants something . He doesn’t talk about bills or anything I handle everything on my own it’s like he doesn’t face reality
I’ll put it in to simple words, let a baby choose between candy or chores, it’s always candy, stop being the chore and start being the candy, your probably stressful and that’s his getaway/release. Make him want to want you, or stop being selfish and stopping him for doing something he enjoys, get your own hobby, you’ll be surprised when he’s struggling to get time from you instead.
My wife’s hobby is quite simply her phone (and the many she can use it). It is next to impossible to engage when she is on it, and I feel at times that she values it more than time we can spend together. Frankly I don’t even try to engage anymore while she’s using it. Thank you so much for these useful tips on how to approach an overwhelming hobby. Please pray that I can share my feelings in a gentle and humble way and that we can come up with some possible solutions to make the most of our time together while still giving her her needed time with her phone.
If you need to talk to her while she is on the phone – try sending her a text message and ask for a date or appointment. Ask her to try to limit her addiction (?) to so many minutes/hours a day. Then see if she can do it. I hope you can help cut the cord to the device or at least ease the use of it.
When my wife is on the phone, I’ll either text her or call her from my cell phone in the same room. She get’s it.
Thank you so much for your insight into this important subject. It definitely contributed to the conflict in my previous marriage as my former wife was consumed with her gardening and crafts and showed no interest in me or working on resolving our conflicts. I could have done better getting involved in her passion for her hobbies but was physically and emotionally drained by my work and the conflict in our marriage. I had no energy left. So I warn those in similar circumstances to take heed and follow Les and Leslie’s recommendations. It takes both to recognize and problem solve.
It looks like there are several couples who have or are currently struggling to get a spouse to become engaged in time with them, and we certainly included in that number. My husband and I have been married 27 years and it has always been this way for us. I had a very addictive personality and found if hard to not be” all or nothing” when I took on a job or hobby. Twice it has wrecked my health to the point of resigning form a teaching job in the middle of the year, and then about 15 years ago after we opened our own business and were putting in about 16 hours a day. My body completely shut down and I was forced to “quit” for almost a year to regain strength and health. My husband is very work and performance oriented and is highly intelligent and loves to read, learn and also invent things, so it has been a very lonely marriage for us at times. We love the Lord and each other but I have prayed for many years that God would lead us to the right books, counselors, conferences,etc. I have also prayed for wisdom and renewal o four love relationship, as sometimes it just feels like we run our business as partners but only live as room-mates. Now over 50, both of us realize that there is not enough energy or time in the day to do everything & that we need to let go of some things before we lose our marriage. We are currently looking to sell our business and asking God for the right timing and buyers so that our staff and clients don’t get left hanging. We really desire to treat them right and make provision for the long-term employees, etc. Please agree with us in prayer for God’s will in all of it
It can be really challenging to juggle all the competing priorities we are faced with daily–managing the home, kids, our jobs and marriage. The only way we can be successful is to prioritize and be intentional about carving time for our marriage. It is tough but it can be done. May God give us the wisdom to make the right decisions, as we handle the many challenges life brings. Thanks for the insights!
Great info unless you are a man and your hobby happens to be house cleaning. My guess is you’ll never have to worry about these conversations.
Actually,you are wrong. My boyfriend is obsessed with doing house projects, yard projects, basement projects, and chores. I never get to have free time when he’s home, until he is done working. He doesn’t spend quality time with me or the kids anymore. He just wants to be home “working”. He even bought a head light so he could continue working through the night until 5 am in the yard or fence that he made with sticks. He can not tolerate seeing me not work on a project or chore while he’s working. It’s draining to constantly have him tell me to find something to do. He makes me feel stupid and lazy. I’m very lonely because working is all he can do and there is no time for living.
This is my husband. He’s a self described workaholic. He’s hot a very demanding job, has 30 acres, hot rods, skid steer, excavator, fifth wheel, side by side, large detached garage, 2 sheds…and always looking for more to purchase and more projects. I explained my concerns when we were pregnant with our daughter, and he said he understood. However, he never did anything about it. Just recently, he’s taken on snow removal contracts and land clearing contacts. Don’t get me wrong, the money is amazing and so is his work ethic, but it makes for a lousy husband and very part time father. I told him that I didn’t think these latest side jobs were a good idea, and they were like handing a crack heard, crack. Of course he just laughs and says I’m ridiculous, and that I knew who he was when we got married. I most certainly didn’t know this. I would have said no thanks!
That is my husband too. We are both retired so he only does it during daylight hours fortunately. But he is constantly working on a project in the yard or the house, or garage or shed. I am so grateful for reading all these other stories. I thought I was the only one and, of course, I thought I was the one with the problem because I want to spend time with him doing things as a couple. It must be an addictive personality and I think connected to depression as well. We fight about it occasionally but as I said I am made to feel like it’s my problem not his. Luckily at our age there are no children to worry about. A lot of you have it way worse than me but now at least I understand it a bit better. I guess I either put up with it or leave.
Same here. My husband is easily bored so he makes projects out of things that aren’t all that necessary. He does beautiful work around our home and is a godsend. But he can never let up and just realx anymore. We moved to a beautiful retirement home that is spacious and well-built. He started fantasizing about building a second story on it so it would be the biggest house on the block. I said no for 3 years until he gave it up. He bought a boat he didn’t need and has a wide-ranging set of hobbies which I fortunately enjoy as well. He makes me feel guilty that I’m not doing projects efficiently and to his standard, as if we are on some deadline. He worked in a very technical design job and loves precision work.
Men are very competitive even with themselves. Right now I’m resting after arguing whether he needed to build a shelf to store paint under the deck instead of in the garage. He won 🙂 I just didn’t see any point in it.
My husband has this same problem and I do think it is partly because of his depression too. We’ve been married for over 40 years and I’ve always supported his hobbies, yet never developed any of my own. Rarely do we go out and if we ever do it is always something I have planned. I was so sick of it that a few years back I quit planning anything hoping he would notice and take some initiative – NOPE, DIDN’t happen! Counseling didn’t get him to pay more attention to me either even though he was told to do so. Anyway, am sitting here on a weekend afternoon with no plans because he’s working on yet some other “hobby” outside. It doesn’t change. Have you found a solution? Thanks!
Oh honey, he has OCPD written all over him.
Learning to enjoy their hobbies has many blessings beyond belief!
Me and my husband have been married for almost 2 yrs now. His hobby is RC cars and messing around in the garage. I go to the races with help him get stuff packed in his number one fan. The problem is I give support and even act interested in the cars but he never give support back to me. He will stay out in the garage till 3am sometimes. I used to go out there with him cause that’s the only way to spend time with him but he will never come in and be with me. He thinks I should always come out there. So now I don’t even go out there anymore. It hurts me cause I miss him but I’m tired of always doing and not getting anything back. Another problem is I will text him and he never replies but his friends text and he replies real quick top them. How do I fix these problems? Give me some ideas.
How’s the hobby situation going? I’m in a similar situation but with drones/quads taking over my husband’s life. Every day after work he’s at the quad workbench until well after everyone else is asleep and then sleeps in the guest bedroom because it’s close to the work station. We have two boys that he likes to sit in front of a smart phone or computer when I’m not around to monitor. The boys (5.6) love that dad gives them so much screen time. I feel like the only person with sense in my home. Just a couple days short of 12 years into this marriage and I feel like I’m hanging by a thread. I’m up and can’t sleep some
nghts but he’s fine if he can be on the forums texting his buddies or tinkering on his hobby.
My husband is the same with RC boats. He even gave his job up to spend more time sailing them. I have to foot all the bills to run our house. He even orders for his friends RC boats and expects me to pay for them out of my money until they pay him back. If I protest he is being unfair he flies into a rage. He even wanted to go out with his single mates sailing them on Christmas Day leaving me on my own. I wish I had known about all this before I married him. I am trapped in a very lonely life.
My husband of 7 years is obssessed with playing softball. Playing or practicing at leadt 3 nights a week and playing tournaments every weekend that take up almost all of the weekend. When he is not playing ball he is at work or sitting his chair playing on his phone or watching tv. There is little to no interaction with me. Sometimes very little interaction with his 6yr old daughter. I have expressed my issues, concerns and despair many ways, many times and only get defensiveness and anger or major attitude back. So I know I ha e gone about it all wrong. My question is, how do I approach him now without him immediately becoming defensive? I tried to do it lovingly with positive words trying to reassure him that I dont want him to give it up completely, just scale it down a bit, but he rolled his eyes and said “So you’re gonna start that again?” So what do I do? I am feeling like there is no hope and that I should just give up 😭
I have the same exact problem with my husband playing softball, so we are going to do couples therapy. It just can’t be second fiddle anymore and feel like he enjoys playing softball more than he enjoys our time together. When we are spending time together he is bullshiting with his teammates via text or planning for his next tournament. I am fed up! I was grateful at first that he found something that made him happy, but it’s been years and it has increasingly become his number one priority.
My husband of 7 years is obssessed with playing softball. Playing or practicing at least 3 nights a week and playing tournaments every weekend that take up almost all of the weekend. When he is not playing ball he is at work or sitting his chair playing on his phone or watching tv. There is little to no interaction with me. Sometimes very little interaction with his 6yr old daughter. I have expressed my issues, concerns and despair many ways, many times and only get defensiveness and anger or major attitude back. So I know I ha e gone about it all wrong. My question is, how do I approach him now without him immediately becoming defensive? I tried to do it lovingly with positive words trying to reassure him that I dont want him to give it up completely, just scale it down a bit, but he rolled his eyes and said “So you’re gonna start that again?” So what do I do? I am feeling like there is no hope and that I should just give up 😭
If anyones spouse/partner are obsessed to the point of ignoring you or their children and other responsibilities they have. Please research aspergers syndrome. It’s more common than you think and no, you can’t always spot it…..it’s usually wives that spot it eventually.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years. He LOVES CYCLING. He has an obsessive personality. I cycle too, but I stay home with my 2 girls while he goes riding. He’s finally realized that it wasn’t fair for him to go all the time so he stays home on Thursdays while I ride. He also counts steps religiously. He works out after work instead of coming straight home b.c he says traffic is so bad it makes more sense to just stay there. In my head I’m thinking “REALLY”?? He’s home around 730 8..which is really late. I’m afraid he’s admiring the wrong things/qualities in women. His face lights up when he hears another woman talking “bike talk” . It annoys the crap out of me..any suggestions?
Selfish spouses should be taken to task for their selfish behaviors. I’m not sure all this ”gentle approach” stuff works enough. If people knew there were consequences such as being dumped/divorced they would step it up and be gentlemen and loyal partners. I think women put up with way too much. Many women know the nature of the guy they are going to marry and marry them anyway even if they display too much selfishness. Not smart ladies! No matter what our brain dimming hormones/heart tells us, there are billions of fish in the sea out there – ones who will treat you like they cherish you. Hold out for someone like that. (of course I know men can deal with this with their women as well) Anyone who has to deal with someone with this kind of attitude – my heart goes out to you so much because I know what it’s like to be treated that way, but you don’t need them! After all, its so easy for them to not need you. Think about that.
Amen
Haha right. I was in a car accident broke my collarbone bone my hubby was so obsessed with building a fence. He didnt notice was calling, he didnt even bother to come to the ER. Because he was “building my fence”. When i came home he was still building “my fence”. He didnt thinm i was serious about the car accident.
Yes, I agree Heidi. I also struggle with my spouse who spends most of his free time working on his father’s farm. I can relate to so many here. Resentment is real and it builds. My young kids and I come 2nd. The farm does not benefit myself or my kids. It’s his obsession and passion only. I feel hurt, frustrated. After 20 years, he still doesn’t get it. I am tired of feeling less than to him. Make us your priority for God’s sake! Life it too precious and short. I don’t have answers, but I wish the best for you all
Well, Dr, if you are still in the house…since I was 16 I’ve been with this man. I’ve single-handedly raised our 4 kids in 33 years of lonely marriage to a traveling salesman who pads weeks away to hike or explore, then takes vacation with his best friend (also married male) to hike Swiss alps, Kilimanjaro…all around the world. This started as a celebratory hike on their 50th birthday and I’ve been told, will continue annually. I raised the kids alone, tried working to fill the gap…helped our family members pass to the other side…and now in my 50’s I’m lonelier than ever. I can’t have friends because they all think I’m crazy to be with him and they don’t know him, but they all think he must be cheating. They don’t understand it’s not a woman…it’s mountains, and airplanes, and cars and anything he likes doing. These are things I can not join him on, physically it’s too hard. So I sit and wait (for his one or two days home)…in the same house, wondering if new paint would cheer me up. I worry that I’m enmeshed, needy, crazy…but wouldn’t anyone else feel the same? He doesn’t know why I can’t just be happy for him that he has accomplished such amazing hikes 😐. I’ve been to counselors and a psychologist. Their opinion was that I suffer abandonment issues and CPTSD. Their advice was this: if I stay…it’s my choice. What I need is a way to cope. He is otherwise a great man or I wouldn’t have stayed. I’m here until I die…but do I always have to suffer?
I am on the opposite side of this issue. I have a hobby that I love. It brings me joy and keeps me physically active. I also have met some wonderful people that have become my friends. I don’t do anything other than this as a hobby and am conscientious of my time on anything that has to do with my hobby because I know my husband is not happy about it. I spend one to two hours a day 6 days a week on my hobby. My husband is the one that hates it. He thinks I don’t care about him and don’t devote enough time to our business. I am home all the time other than those few hours a day. I work on our family business from home and get a lot of work done daily. I do all the laundry, work in our office (invoices, organize jobs, make calls, enter all job information, emails, pay invoices, do the taxes, etc.) I organize and pay all the bills, keep the house clean, care for our kids and home school my youngest that is 12. I go golfing with my husband and go to car events with him as well. I ask him to go do things together to make sure he knows I want to spend time with him. He has quads and goes camping and I go too. Sometimes he goes with just his friends and I encourage that. The part I don’t understand about my husbands frustration of my hobby is that he has a HUGE car collection, motorcycles, quads, golfs but gets upset about my one hobby. We live in a small guest house and bought a 20 acre farm four years ago to build a house. We haven’t built a house but we built a 4,000 square foot garage that cost up over 250,000.00. Honestly, I am totally fine with that. I love cars too. I love my husband and want him to do what he enjoys. He has over 30 cars and motorcycles. He had a friend of his move into a trailer on our property to work on his cars. I was a bit irritated with this since he didn’t talk to me first about it… but okay, it makes him happy. I talk to him about the cars and his golf. I do not feel I am being hard or selfish in any way. He does work very hard; he is a General Contractor and his work gets very hectic. I try to support him through that as much as I can. I often feel his distaste for my hobby is that he is overwhelmed in his own world and craves simplicity and my 100% undivided attention and love. It is unrealistic really. I don’t think someone should give up what they love to make someone else happy. Unless it was something truly damaging to someone. As long as you make time and love each other it should work out fine. For me when I see him building his cars or golfing it makes me happy because it makes him happy! But mutual respect for ones passion should also be respected – in my circumstances anyway……
My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and initially what brought us together was a shared enjoyment of a number of outdoor hobbies: hiking, biking, skiing. Over time he has surpassed my skills in each of these departments and has discovered he enjoys doing this with other hard-core guys, particularly skiing, and almost always leaves me at home. This is crushing on several fronts. For one, the main thing that brought us together and helped create so many wonderful memories has been replaced by him having fun instead with friends and not me; two I’m not getting to enjoy skiing anymore or as much as I would like because I don’t have the skills to keep up or maybe even embarrass him, and three, I honestly fear he might leave me for some female that is an exceptional athlete and who he admires or has more in common with than me. Every time I bring up the fact that I would like to come along more or miss I doing these activities together, he says I’m acting jealous and am being unreasonable for not wanting to let him spend time with his friends. I’m tired of being the one left behind, or a constant nag, but I don’t want this to be all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.
I don’t have the answer for you, but I would give you this advice….don’t marry him until this is resolved. I made that mistake and now I’m stuck with a man who doesn’t have a lot of empathy for my needs. Your fiance made this clear to you when he refused to discuss options and called you jealous of his time. It’s probably time to call for the question or be prepared to spend the rest of your life living this way. I wish I had done that.
Nina I am in a very similar boat. Everything we used to do together, now he is better and just keeps stepping up the danger factor. (And I consider myself a pretty great athlete!) Who will stay home with the dogs after all…?
Just wanted to say I hear you girl. Hope things are better for you.
My Soon to be X-husbands hobby is collecting World War 2 nazi memeroabila . While he is not a neo nazi he says he has like the this time period for the history. He started at 17 so i knew what i was getting into a little bit when marrying him. But my god the whole office was filled with this stuff from jackets to hats, to medals etc and he also collected guns he never went out and fired. this literally drove me crazy. He buys the stuff and sells if for more to make a profit but he has always spent more time on the phone and iPad looking at stuff day in and day out, he goes to this show of shows in St. Louis and meets up in this big arena of old guys selling there stuff. It’s really weird and bizarre to me.
When he is deployed he would make purchases and send them to the house and i had to open the boxes and show him the stuff when it came in, i always thought that was very selfish of him due to the fact that we have children that need to be tended to no this hobby stuff. Then every time we would move in the military like overseas he could not bring the stuff with him so he would make this long drive with his stuff to his parents house to leave it there and when came back to the states he would make the trip to pick it up. so ridiculous it drove me insane, he would be on his phone and i pad all weekends and talk to people that collect on the phone that he has never met in real life and he would take life advice from these guys. He was definitely obsessed and still is, he just sprung the divorce stuff on me four days after I retired from the military he was not man enough to tell me he went to a divorce lawyer. So i had to live with him for two months at home with our girls before he took off to Fort Carson for his dream job in the Army , it was a living hell. I would watch him pack up his miltary collection which he left in the middle of the hallway as a reminder to us that he was leaving us. Now he is in Fort Carson and has set up his stuff in his small apartment. He is a selfish self absorbed narcissist with this sick obesssion. He has now idea how this has effected us and he only cares about his happiness and no one else’s. This hobby as far as i am concerned was a deal breaker and i am glad the stuff is out of the house i have always thought it was bad luck and had bad energies attrached to it. I had to smudge the room when he left and it feels so much lighter and happier. Ultimately he chose himself and his stuff over us and gave up and ran away like a little boy would, he picked up his toys and left, COWARD!!
I’m a new bride (older than most and it’s not my first rodeo). My husband was very attentive during the courtship period. I knew he had his own hobbies and activities but he didn’t seem at all obsessed with them. Here’s the problem….he’s 81 years old….still works two days a week as a golf ranger so he can have free access to all of the golf courses in the area. He plays golf two days a week…Tuesday and Saturday. When he comes home on Saturday, he watches golf or sports on TV. One a month he plays poker on Wednesday evening. I don’t mind spending time alone when he’s working or playing golf, but I would like the time we do have together to be quality time and it isn’t. When he comes home from work or golf, he’s dead tired, has a cocktail or two and by the time dinner is done he’s fast asleep in his chair and usually doesn’t wake up until time to go to bed. I’ve asked him to take a short nap when he gets home so we can spend a nice evening together, but he refuses to do this. Night after night I sit and watch a movie on TV while he’s sleeping…it’s very disappointing. When he wakes up to go to bed, many times he’s revived and wants to be intimate. This is very difficult for me because intimacy to me means that it’s something you lead up to after an evening of sharing time and romantic feelings. When I try to talk to him about this he gets frustrated and accuses me of making a big deal out of nothing. He doesn’t realize how this is getting to me…..I’m extremely disappointed in our life together that was supposed to be a partnership where we shared things together is turning out to be very one sided. He does pretty much what he wants and occasionally I’m included in his plans. This was my greatest fear about getting married again and I’m beginning to feel trapped. Am I making too much of this? I don’t know what to do to resolve this situation.
I have been married to my husband for 16 years, he absolutely loves hunting. When we first met I would go with him and I really did enjoy his passion. This year he decided to bow hunt so that meant buying a new $1000 bow that I have heard about every single day since February. At first I was excited for him until 60 days into his obsession, returning accessories for new ones weekly. It is bad, if he doesn’t have an issue with it, he finds one just so he can leave and go find something that he thinks might be better. His 3 day hunt is in August, he has already packed his hunting pack spending hours and days taking things in and out finding the perfect fit and of course returned that bag and now he has settled with bag #3. I am in his shadows, he told me I need to go do something so I stop nagging at him. I can’t compete with this anymore. I thought I would get attention from him by diving into his passion making tshirts and signs with a bow hunter on them. He was so proud and excited about me for once and he actually made me feel important. Now I can’t even listen to him talk about his bow, or I get angry and honestly jealous. Why do I feel jealous?? I just feel so alone and dismissed, like he no longer finds me interesting and it is ruining our marriage. When I talk to him, i get angry and he refuses to talk to me about it and leaves the room. All kinds of things go through my head, I am scared that our marriage is over.
I. really understand you, even when we try to support him it feels to me he still enjoys his passion more than anything, and that I am the only obstacle between his passion and himself. I feel like I cannot make it anymore unless he stops loving mountaineering anymore and focus in spending all his time with me.
wow
All I can take away from this is that men are disappointing, selfish and sometimes cruel
🙁
I don’t think this is exclusively something to do with men. My wife is obsessed with dressage. She gets up at 5:30 every morning, goes to the yard and rides 4 horses returning at 11am. She then lies around at home for an hour before going back to the yard to give them lunch. In the afternoon she is either competing or training others. On the rare day she gets the afternoon off, she still has to be back at the yard by 4pm to give them dinner. Evenings are dominated with her talking about horses, watching videos of horses, or planning competitions. She goes to bed at about 9pm. At weekends she is either teaching clinics or competing. This weekend was the first time in a year we managed to get away for more than a few hours; I managed to get her away for 2 nights. She pressured me into moving 3 hrs out of the city to live with her before we were married. I pay the bills for anything apart from the horses, I paid for the wedding, our house, any holidays, and our retirement savings. She thinks this is fair because she is competing and all her money goes back into the horses. I have no friends around where she lives, have given up my own hobbies, and now work from home so have little interaction with others. I feel like a slave to her, and have no social life at all. My biggest worry is she won’t want to have children because she won’t be capable of taking the time off riding.
Mine owns and trains race horses. Although I went into our marriage sharing his hobby it quickly turned to his full time “job” while I raised our kids alone 70% of the time and managing our home life while having a full time career to pay for everything…his income kept his horse business going only….of course over time he dropped down in my list of priorities just as I dropped out of his, except when he wanted sex. Eventually I shut myself off. For 12 yrs we might have been intimate 2 dozen times, I was exhausted and always felt I was less important than 4 legged animals which I grew to despise. But I still worked hard to give our kids normalcy and I bought a farm hoping having horses at our own facility would give him more us time, nope…..only thing that happened was more debt, and more blaming me for not having a happy “healthy marriage”. 6 months ago after financial hardship he sold it all off (not to mention government cut backs to agriculture) I thought we might have hope, he still thinks all our issues was only me and that I never supported his passion (how could I, I was exhausted?), i tried asking for date nights, weekends away and he always says it costs too much. 1 month ago 3 horses made their way back into our barn and all of a sudden money is there to buy new equipment, feed, trailer…and i just look in the mirror wondering why i wasn’t worth spending money on…….
I need your help. I’ve fallen for a man who is obsessed with golf: 4x/week, year-round, not including tournaments or golf vacations. My fear is, since he hasn’t adjusted his schedule now – while we’re in the honeymoon/dating phase – what are the odds of this happening later on? On the surface, golf seems like a healthy addiction. It’s healthier than a heroin addiction, but at least in his case, it appears to have crossed the line from choice/balance to the addiction driving choice/imbalance. Besides being addictive on it’s own, golf includes other addictive behaviors: gambling and alcohol. Google ‘golf widow’ or ‘golf divorces’ and you’ll realize how big of an issue this is. Anything that causes someone to spend a massive amount of time away from a relationship creates an imbalance and, puts the other person in a codependent position of accommodating their ‘hobby.’ Relationships should be about meeting close to the middle when it comes to needs. If the expectation is one person should just accommodate their need, and the other does, that’s codependency. And that goes for golf widows who ‘get busy’ while their partners golf, not because they like it, but because they don’t have a choice, or, who just take up golf to be with their partner (versus, truly enjoying it). If I took up golf to be with him, and ended up enjoying it, I wouldn’t spend as much time at it as he does because I prefer balance. And there would still be the issue of wanting to do non-golf things with my partner: breakfast, brunch with friends, daytime stuff! The issue is one person being the only one to accommodate the other person’s schedule. The issue is a difference of values when it comes to balance in relationships. I feel completely disheartened. My past relationships have involved codependent behavior, and my friends are worried I’m attracting relationships that position me to be codependent again. But while things don’t look good, I haven’t told him this is a problem for me, to give him a chance to respond. Appreciate ideas of how to broach the topic in a ‘Can we find a solution where you move a little closer to the middle while still meeting your need to golf?” way? Thank you!
I have been married for 23 years and dated my husband for 7 years prior to that. He has always been into cars mostly building a drag racing car. He has always had limited funds for his projects and he enjoys doing a lot of the work himself. When we first got married he’d spend every Sat from morning till evening working on the car in his Mom’s yard (where he stored it as we lived in an apartment). When we bought a home we were consumed with fixing it up (needed a lot of work) and spent many years working on it every weekend. I have 3 children (pre & teen) and I thought after all the years of work and waiting for him to work on/race his car in his little spare time we could finally start enjoying some quality time on the weekend. My husband sold his racecar last year, mainly because the track in our neighborhood closed. I was relieved because it had consumed so much of his time in the past. He also started buying old Harleys and restoring them so I thought that would fill in the gap. But recently he purchased an old pickup truck and decided he is going to rebuild it. I have pieces of it in my garage, driveway, and backyard. I was obviously upset that he started planning this big project wihout consulting with me but he assured me that it would be something he does in his spare time….well if I knew spare time means he spreads out outdoor chores over the course of the entire weekend so that he doesn’t have to leave the house and in between he works on the truck in the driveway I never would have agreed. He is also always on his phone when he is in the house looking for parts online for it. I have spent the last 15 years waiting on him every weekend to do things with our family and I finally thought we could do that and this made me realize that he is not going to change. He will not make any plans ahead of time, when I look for him around our property I always feel like I am bothering him and he is missing out on quality time with our children.
Am I being unreasonable?
Shelly says:
June 4, 2019 at 8:48 am
I need help. My husband has a very obsessive personality. When he finds something he loves, he can’t get enough of it. When we were dating it was a computer game and as silly as it sounds, it came down to me or the game because he would invite me over to watch a movie but he would sit at his computer and game out while I was supposed to watch the movie. Thankfully he chose me. But then he just dives into something else. Fast forward 13 years. We have now been married for 11 years and have two daughters ages 7 and 5. I am a teacher so now that it’s summer I am home with them all day long. My husband has always enjoyed playing disc golf but due to his work schedule he was never really able to play much. Well his schedule has changed and we recently moved close to a course. He asked if he could join a disc golf league where they play every Monday night. I agreed to that because after all, he deserves to have a hobby. However, he quickly became obsessed and wants to meet up with the “guys” to play every chance he gets. So not only is he gone all day Monday between work and league but then he wants to play on Saturday’s and sundays too. When he goes he is gone for 3-5 hours at a time. We got in a huge fight this last Sunday because I told him no he couldn’t go because I wanted to spend time as a family. After all, he works all week and the evenings are filled with making supper and bathing children, etc. I spend all week alone with the kids and I want to spend time as a family on the weekends. He turns it around and tells me to go do something to get away from the kids then. I get so mad when he tells me that because honestly, I don’t have any hobbies! He doesn’t understand that I don’t want to get away from the kids, I just want him home with me and the kids. But if we aren’t “doing” anything besides sitting around the house together he gets upset because he could’ve been out playing disc golf. This past Sunday I got mad at him when he asked to go and I said that this has become is new “computer game” that he is obsessing with and it is seeming more important to him than his family. He of course took offense to that which I don’t blame him. I told him that when i agreed he could do league I was under the impression that it would be a once a week thing and that is it. I think what upsets me most is that he is out having fun with people that are half his age. They are all 20-25 without kids and families and he is pushing 40. He turned it around and told me to come with them then. I said, I don’t want to hang out with a bunch of 29 year olds and what would we do with the kids? He’s always telling me to get out of the house and go do something but I don’t want to. I just want him home with us. Am I being selfish? How can I talk to him about this without it turning into a fight? As silly as it sounds, it is ruining our marriage and it’s breaking my heart. We got over the fight basically because he got mad at me and we both hardly talked to each other the whole afternoon and I had to come up with something for us to do as a family then because he wasn’t going to just sit around. We took the girls fishing and put on happy faces for the girls but it was very uncomfortable. Then he goes on that evening like nothing ever happened. We seem fine now, but I know it will be an issue again this weekend. Sorry for the book but it felt good to write this all out.
It’s such a relief that I’m not the only one trying to work through this. My boyfriend is obsessive about dancing. We dance together a couple of nights a week, but even after that, he dances almost every other free night, which means he’s always tired when he sees me. It’s affecting our sex life, along with his finances, and I can’t seem to make him see any of the effects. He’s a bit sneaky about it too – he only tells me last minute that he’s going out because subconsciously he knows I won’t be happy about it. I don’t mind him going sometimes, but it’s just over the top and I don’t know what to do. We’ve spoken about it so many times but none of it seems to sink in. He says he understands and that he agrees it’s too much, but the he goes and does it anyway. It sounds ridiculous, but I’m actually at the point where I don’t know if I can deal with this long-term. I have visions of us moving in together and this being a constant frustration.
Wow! I didn’t realize there were so many people in this situation. How sad. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. In the beginning we did stuff together, but it mainly revolved around him. I didn’t really realize what was happening. His hobbies vary, but he’s into cars, hunting and fishing. He also always has a house that’s torn apart and needs work. I kept thinking that when he was done with whatever things would be better but he’s obsessed with projects on top of his other hobbies. Right now it’s fishing. He talks about it constantly and when we get home from a long day of work he watches people fish on his phone or looks up things he can buy like boats, truck parts, etc. I’ve been fishing with him lots of times but I just would like to do something relaxing or something that I want to do for once. We aren’t married thank goodness. It’s just so hard to think of walking away from someone that you love, but he’s addicted and obsessed with everything but me!!!
All of this has been very intresting reading for me.
I love my girl dearly and feel that she would sympathise with a lot of you.
I have a 9yo from a previous relationship. She has a 8yo and we have a 4 month old.
In the past I have had many interests.
I understood children/partner come first and have given up all but one.
My motorcycle has become a root problem in our relationship.
It’s the one thing I want for myself, however as we are saving for a house she sees it as a drain on resources.
It’s nothing fancy. I have owned it for 13 years, this last year it’s been off the road while I do it up. (I scailed back the plans for it when we got together so i could spend time with her,
I massively reduced the plans and costs when we found out we were expecting) It’s not on the road as every time it’s mentioned I stop work.
It’s a cheap bike, I have worked out monthly excluding fuel (which will come out of my own money, & saves the car) costs will be less than £30 per month. The last 2 months the time I have spent on it including reading about the bike and things I’m planning I have spent about 5 hours on it. I now have all the parts, some have taken 13 years to find.
Is it unreasonable of me to want to spend about 25-30 hours building it up over the next 8-9 months?
When its back on the road is it unreasonable to use it a few times a year & occasionally to commute to work?
My husband has gotten into 3d printing recently. I fucking hate it. He wakes up in the morning immediately starts messing with his printer. When we are trying to do something together he is intermediately checking on it or stopping what we’re doing to go print something. He doesn’t even wait for me to wake up or cuddle me in bed anymore, he’s up usually till midnight- 2am tinkering with it and then wakes up at 6 am to start messing with it more. And literally every other sentence he speaks is about his 3d printer or something he’s printing. I’m happy he has a hobby but it’s not something I’m interested in
. If he could just make time for us instead of constantly worrying about his 3d printer I would be so happy. He’s done this before with other things…but the 3d printer has been the worst offender. It’s driving me insane.
The time and money you have projected seems very reasonable. It is the unexpected or not planned on stuff that adds up. One trip leads to another. I’m sure she us anticipating what is in the future fir you and this bike. Hard to fit the family on it. I also appreciate the need for a get away! Very important! She may also worry about an accident with it. That could be life altering. It would be good to discuss in more detail to get true concerns out on the table.
My hobby is playing music, which requires (obviously) plenty of practicing. My wife tolerates it, and I really wish she would at least be somewhat supportive. I use to practice for 1 hour at least 3-4 times a week. Sounds reasonable right?? No way. I’m expected to cook dinner, do the dishes, take out the trash, fold laundry and/or clean litter boxes. My practicing is down to 45 minutes once or twice a week. Even then, when I saw that I’m going to go practice she always responds with a “what about me” and “wheres my time” or a sarcastic “have a fun time…” and it really pisses me off. I feel like she wants me to have nothing and I’m the one who should sacrifice their life, hobbies or passions. It REALLY pisses me off. I give 110% and I don’t believe I can give anymore effort. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted and I’m not sure where to turn to.
I think one to two hours for 3-4 times a week is reasonable. Have you suggested to your wife that she find something she enjoys during those time periods to do? Do you perform gigs for money that she can come to?
I have a problem where my husband is over enthusiastic about my hobby.
I joined a samba band and we are well into the gigging season. For the first time in my life I felt like I had something that was mine.
Hubby takes me /picks me up from practice and uses his waiting time to o meet up with a mate. He feels the need to come inside to meet me, usually after making his presence known to the entire band by clapping or yelling something “funny” out. This makes me feel uncomfortable because I don’t like to draw attention to myself.
He really enjoys the band and comes to every gig, again, making his presence known in one way or another.
It was nice initially, to have him engage with my hobby so willingly but I am thankful that he will never join in
I feel stifled and sure that he thinks this is “our thing”. I want to be able to belong to the band as an individual, not part of a couple.
When I mentioned going to practice on my own tonight, he actually asked if I would be okay going on my own !
It feels like he’s my Dad sometimes.
He us a lovely, caring man and I am glad he is my Husband – but not at the cost of my individuality.
My 25 year old boyfriend has autism and his interests and hobbies are anything involving a screen. Video games, watching YouTube, watching movies or tv and it completely consumes his time and our time together. We aren’t living together yet which makes things more difficult because when we are at each others places I feel he can limit his hobbies somewhat if I’m over but even when I’m over that’s what he mainly wants to do. When we’re apart and at our own houses, forget it. I go ignored most of the time. He takes hours and hours to respond to simple texts, constantly is dozing off in the middle of conversations because he is watching something boring on YouTube or stayed up too late playing a video game and then because he has autism doesn’t understand why I would feel upset and he doesn’t seem to really feel bad about any of it. I rarely get an apology. A lot of times I feel ignored and unimportant, like how or why would he choose these hobbies over me? I get that having his routine and hobbies is important for sure, but he has no time restrictions and will do this during all his waking hours on his days off if I’m not there or the entire time before and after work. He is always telling me how he has all these chores or things to do, but guess what? they never get done because his extreme interest in his hobbies take up all his time. We spend less and less time together and our communication isn’t great because of all of this. Since he is Autistic, I’m not sure what to do or if things will ever change. I’ve already told him how I feel about all of this and he says he “completely understands” but nothing ever changes. Sometimes I feel so fed up with this but I love him very much and don’t want to give up.
You should find an Autism disorders family support group. There must be one somewhere. Like Alanon for friends of alcoholics.
Perhaps men are giving time to these hobbies because wives deny sex.
NO. Nice theory but you are off base. These guys are selfish, self centered, immature jerks who are irresponsible with money and think the World
revolves around them. I have done EVERYTHING I know to make my husband happy. Selfish jerks don’t learn. Has NOTHING t do with sex. Nice idea though. Glad I’m not married to you.
No way! They even rather that hobby than sex, when they get obsessed they truly do. My husband was even worse before getting together, but even married he’s still very into mountaineering, and the reason he does it is because that’s what he really loves. Sex, wife, family, friends, God, all seems secondary meanwhile he can climb a new mountain any day off he has.
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It seems the car addiction hobby is a common theme. It has definitely caused a huge rift in my marriage. My husband has taken it to the next level and is putting on car shows, two a year to be exact. Money shifting is constantly a source of contention. Although he obtains sponsorship money to fund most of the event costs, it still seems to dip into our coffers. Also, I find myself being attracted to other men because of his hobby addiction. It has the unfortunate side effect of making me less sexually attracted to him. Despite those feelings, I do not deny him sex because I happen to enjoy sex. And, as other women mentioned going to car meets constantly, gets to a point where it is mind-numbingly boring.
Same here. My husband is easily bored so he makes projects out of things that aren’t all that necessary. He does beautiful work around our home and is a godsend. But he can never let up and just realx anymore. We moved to a beautiful retirement home that is spacious and well-built. He started fantasizing about building a second story on it so it would be the biggest house on the block. I said no for 3 years until he gave it up. He bought a boat he didn’t need and has a wide-ranging set of hobbies which I fortunately enjoy as well. He makes me feel guilty that I’m not doing projects efficiently and to his standard, as if we are on some deadline. He worked in a very technical design job and loves precision work.
Men are very competitive even with themselves. Right now I’m resting after arguing whether he needed to build a shelf to store paint under the deck instead of in the garage. He won 🙂 I just didn’t see any point in it.
Yes, my husband is a car fanatic, maxed out on credit cards due to expensive car parts, car shows, etc. etc. Bought a motorhome behind my back, two trailers, a car for his Grandson, a boat, and has a truck, and a car to drive for work.. Add to that an expensive race car ( l00K) and a newly built hot rod ( 40K), here we are. Before we were married, he filed for bankruptcy ( had a failed debt consolidation years earlier) and I THOUGHT he’d learned a lesson about reckless, selfish, spending. Um. No. So when we
married, I insisted we keep funds separate. We combine NOTHING. Now we live separately — I have my house. He has his. If he changes the oil in my car, I have to pay for the oil and the filter. I buy my own food, clothes, pay my own bills, etc. etc. He lies about his spending and says. ” It’s my money. I earned it. I can spend it any way I want.”
So WHY did he want to get married? I am his 3rd wife. He lives like a bachelor and moved his brother in. He bought me an 8.00 nightgown off Ebay from China for
my birthday. No Xmas presents. No date nights. The rare times we go out to dinner – I pay for half of them – he pays the other half. A proven selfish, self centered, bully who believes he’s this great guy and loves the IMAGE – his friends think he’s a zillionaire. Why am I with him? Benefits. Health, social security, possible l/2 pension,
drug coverage,… This would cost me thousands on my own but I am retired and only draw $500 in SS on my own. NO, he doesn’t even buy me a tank of gas when
he lives 42 miles away. No use arguing – no use discussing – he promises and lies. I told him NOT to open up credit cards but now he has 5. WHY? HIs defense is..
” I can always make more money”…….. SO he’s one of those who spends what he doesn’t have lying to himself about this mounting debt. The car obsession got
him here — Not the life I”d hoped for – I’m 71 now and not starting over. We will be married l0 yrs in 2021 and he can go as I will qualify for survivorship benefits on SS.
He has made no effort to make my life better – nor does he care. OH well. Now I don’t care either. Good luck, everybody.
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My husband is into mountaineering, but no matter if I try to go with him, to support him or argue and fight about it, he seem to me he will still be more interested in that than anything else, and I cannot make it anymore.
I don’t think talking with your husband only about his interest and support him will ever make a wife happy.
Snap. I’ve had 30 plus years of being overlooked by the “great out doors”.We now live seperate lives cos he took my request for him to back down a little on the hours,days and weeks out and about, as a demand to stop completely. Hence the I choose my hobby over you speech. 7 years on I’ve given up all hope to have him participating as a husband. Infact he’s out now more than ever. I’m just the house keeper and he’s the lodger. I wish I’d nipped this hobbies wings much sooner.
For everyone woman who commented you better leave before wasting years of your life like I did. My husband was obssessed with drinking, friends, tv, handy work, and work, and after 20 years at least we havent had any romantic vacation but one, sex went to non existing, he never seemed to have time for me, many months was spent in the house with me waiting for him to be with me. I finally had enough and said something and then all kinds of disrespect came out if his mouth. I can tell you all right now, anyone who fills their schedule up with things to do, is actually tell you they don’t want to do you, and pretty much wanting out or starting to, and is then stringing you along. Now you can go my route and start begging and asking for time and keeping blaming you, and waiting and hoping, but you will have 20 years wasted with only holidays and birthdays and important events with the two you almost seeming like a couple. Get the hell out now.l, you are not a priority in their life, and they are doing the bare minimum. Most people don’t want to give up their wives even when they don’t want to bothered with then anymore, and they are usually narcissist. I am not separated from my husband while living in the same house but soon will be moving. The straw was when he decided to treat any free time he has which is a few hours a day and weekends, like it is his own personal time alone, as if not married and I am just a body to rub on quickly as he walks by with h no conversation. I have tried everything I could, but unless I beg, he shuts me out. get out because you can’t change the man, they got to change themselves.
What shall I do if my spouse doesn’t want to share his hobby with me? In general, he is happy with me being around, but he probably worries I can hurt myself. Also, he gets a bit annoyed because each time I come along he feels he has to watch me, otherwise I would do something inappropriate.
My spouse is obsessed with video games. Works full time and that is all he talks about. He was the only child too and always relied on his mother for money and tried to bail out on our marriage twice and went to her house and called her behind my back. He has ED and hypogonadism and refuses to get anymore help. He won’t help himself or eat well at all. He eats pizza almost everyday of his life or fried food and sandwiches he think is healthy. Not obese but almost 200 but almost 6 foot. He does have high cholesterol at his young age and it had bad. He will never change. He watches animae which is different to me. He won’t do foreplay anymore just a boring guy some of the time. I have talked to him and encouraged him. I just don’t know what else to do. I have kids and I don’t want a broken home. I do love him but I do think he loves himself more. He has turned his back on me and it is hard to forget. His father is very cruel and sys many verbal things to us. He doesn’t really associate with him much but he will be mean then send cards and try to act nice. The mother has been meal as well but also can be nice when she wants and will just try to be the kids things all the time. Little do they know the bullying that goes on behind the scenes to their mother. My husband is a push over with her. He acted like he was ok my side then later says you don’t even like my Mom. I just wish for once in my life that it wasn’t like this. Just stuck and sad if I go sad to stay 😩
I have a question…. what are you doing that is so interesting that I should spend time with you?
I would be delighted to spend more time with my spouse but only if what we are doing is something we both find interesting.
Sitting in front of a TV to watch another mind numbing episode of TV is not quality time…. especially when the person wanting you there watches it with their phone in their hand anyway….
This seems more like an act of jealousy and control…. THOUGH shalt sit with me and stare at box instead of doing that thing you trully enjoy.
Maybe the truth is that you are dull.
I will follow Susan and ask the same question. To the entire group. DO any of you, have any Hobbies? This was very sad to read especially because I am a Dad, Husband, Science Teacher, Veteran, and yes a CAR GUY. I can’t vouch for hanging out with 20-year-olds, but I find these comments very troubling. I have a very beautiful daughter (ALL DAD COMMENT) and along with being attuned to 7year old, 1st-grade, fashion queen sessions, I do try to include athletics, painting, hiking, LEGOs, etc… SO that she can make HERSELF happy. SO the question is… What can you do that will make you happy? When WE (ALL MEN)lol….asked you to be OUR wife, it was because you were busy not worrying about us. It made us intrigued, WE still had hobbies, but you were first on the list. Support US, find our hobbies COOL, we will do the same for your hobbies, and guess what? We can skip down the yellow brick road together hand in hand, forever and ever amen….I’ll leave it there, Im sure you get the point. Stay Safe in 2021. God Bless.
You oversimplify this hobby obsession problem by assuming the unhappy spouses are boring and frigid. I have used every tool in my toolbox to hold on to a husband who obsessively hunts. He lies, steals and cheats to hunt year-round with multi-millionaires. We have modest means and would be ready for retirement if only hunting had not drained our resources. When we first married, over 35 years ago, hunting was something he did once or twice a year with family, usually after thanksgiving festivities. It was a relationship builder for the men in the family that created lots of good stories and campfire memories. Over the years, the hunting transitioned into a very real addiction that opened the door to lies and very damaging choices: outrageous spending, bankruptcy, secret purchases for guns, a Kowasaki mule that was explained away as a first-place hunting contest prize. Then recently he had an affair with his taxidermist who bilked him for many thousands of dollars of free guns, hunting gear and trophy hunts while he secretly took her to ranches where he lied about having no cell reception for me to call him. I figured out he was lying and physically caught him there with her. He told me and everyone that our marriage was solid. The sex was good. We were harmonious and respectful although he would shut me down when I wanted to discuss the excessive hunting. He was my rock when I cared for my dying parents for the last 3 years. So after years of lies, excessive spending, monthly hunting trips away from family, I have been digging. I just discovered that he spent my inheritance from my recently deceased parents on hunting and the other woman. I have 46 trophies of wild game in my house that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. The resale value is pitiful. But He is my home and I love him. My adult children think I am weak and irrational to even hope that he can be a better man with therapy and Gods help. He says he is filled with shame and that he will curtail hunting to one or two yearly trips. He says he is filled with shame and remorse but he doesn’t want to get rid of the trophies in our home. I don’t know how I will ever believe him when he says he loves me. Perhaps I have wasted my heart for 4 decades on this man. So don’t be like me, constantly bending and accommodating. Make sure you know where every penny of your joint marital income goes. Don’t believe that your spouse needs trips and escape weekends that don’t include you. I was stupidly trusting with a spouse that easily duped me.
My husband hikes/walks four times a week. When he returns, I ask him about his walk. He replies at great length about where he went, how far he went, and gives measurements about what he saw. His attitude when he tells me he is going is smug, like announcing he is doing something incredibly significant. I am a writer. I am not hugely successful, but I have had a good deal of things published, won a major award, and my writing has been solicited by publishers. He rarely asks me about my work, and he is certainly not prepared to listen to me go on at great length. I want more balance, and I want him to lose his smug attitude.
I’m on the other side and really struggling on what to do. I am obsessed with making art and it drives my husband crazy. He is very needy and jealous of my time. I do all the basics for him and the kids but he wants me to go above and beyond and plan things and spend lots of time together. I feel a lot of guilt doing art but it gives me such intense pleasure and joy. My family can’t compete. I know the art is an addiction and family should be #1 but I feel so unfulfilled doing family stuff. I’m not sure if this is a case where I should just suck it up and focus on family, convince myself that family is great, or if I’m not cut out to be part of a family.
I don’t think you are cut out to be with the family as per your sentence, “My family can’t compete.” Why did you even place yourself in a position to have a family?
This is ridiculous. The solution is to talk to them and if that doesn’t work try to distance from them. Abs if that doesn’t work then join them? Sounds like one big loop hope so that you just end up being stuck dealing with their obsession rather than really dealing with the issue. This isn’t necessarily good advice, not all of it is idiotic, but most of it will be a waste of these people’s time.
Met the turd i was 23 he was going on 33now he’s 62 this year.obsessive at first about money was really nice for a good few years sort of I had two boys he’s no kids. No time no effort work and money.i would understand if he was a doctor but he’s a taxi driver even worse.no sex no love or affection for well over 12years. No nights out even before covid.hes obsessive with football and old TV things spends up to 3/5 hours watching crap before bed. We sleep separately, no point in sleeping in the same bed with a creepy old fella that can’t even bear to touch you let alone look at you
My husband’s model building car obsession which now consumes him, began early in his childhood, sadly.
After the honeymoon, he began going to his workshop and spending hours upon hours there and I began feeling alone.
Fast forward about thirty years and we are still in the same situation. I have given up because I am always “second rate”
His cars are his life and I am just here to be his “room-mate.” Leah Unloved
I feel so alone in this marriage. My husband is an addict. I didn’t realise the depths of it until after marriage..the lying, manipulation, stealing from me and cheating emotionally with other women.hello, my husband cheated on me. It was a miracle when priest love helped me restored back my broken marriage in the next seven days… [Whats [App] +..234 .. 961.. ..570….504 just in case you have similar issues, capable of solving any kind of life problem etc
When we met I was a fairly successful semi-pro musician – successful enough to be on national radio and known internationally and it was seen as being attractive to my then girlfriend who said she understood all the implications of it. Then you get married and all of a sudden it’s ‘just a hobby’ ,’you prioritise it over me’ etc etc. Such selfishness! I’ve never asked her to give anything up and never would. She can do whatever she pleases. She always said she wanted to write. Has she ever written? No. She has NO idea what dedication and how much work it takes to succeed at something like that. I do. I’ve done it! This is not something you can just do here and there, pick it up drop it etc etc. Music and instruments take SERIOUS time, SERIOUS, constant practise, and if you’re not fully pro (nobody is anymore ,there’s no money), then you’re also working a full time job. So the situation is you literally have to give everything up you’ve committed serious years of your life to or have no relationships….because ‘quality time’ sat vegging for hours and hours in front of a telly that happens to be in the same room as your wife is supposed to be a good use of your time. If someone is cajolling you into give something up like that, THEY are nothing but selfish. run a country mile because after you’ve given that thing up you’ve given yourself up and for what? You’re the wrong person, you were always the wrong person, it’s been proven you’re the wrong person because all she wants to do is change you into someone you’re not.
OMG!!! My husband works a lot and when he’s not he always finds something to do. I understand chore and interests but I have to beg my husband to spend time with me and our kids. They’re all technically adults but one has special needs and can’t be left alone. We can’t do anything without taking him with us or having a sitter. I can’t do anything alone even without having someone watch him. My husband works 2 jobs (that he loves most days) so I can care for our children and I do appreciate it but he doesn’t seem to understand that this takes a toll. This is my job 24/7 so I don’t get a break from work. His jobs aren’t the type where you take your work home to do. He happened to have my birthday off in August so I thought we could go out to lunch. We could not, he said, because he made plans with his dad. He also couldn’t take me out to dinner that night. I wanted to go to one of two restaurants that are about 45 minutes away ( we live in a small town with few options other than fast food or diners). It’s February and I’m still waiting!!! He says just tell me when & we’ll go. Every time I try that he already has plans or there isn’t enough time to go. Today, for example, he had the day off and already made plans with his brother. So once again I’m home alone with our special needs child. When he is home, he’s either doing yard work, cutting wood, fixing cars or on the computer. I try to suggest movies or tv shows to watch together but he will not watch anything I suggest. There has been multiple times that a friend will suggest something, the same thing I knew he’d like, and I’ll see him watching it online instead of with me. I’d just do my own thing and sometimes I do with our son and other kids but I hate always having to ask “permission” to go somewhere alone ( in the sense that I have to ask him to watch our so) while he just informs me he’s doing something and NEVER inquires if I want to do anything with him or do I need time to do something. I’m so over this and no matter how many times I’ve tried to discuss it or we’ve fought about it, nothing changes. I just want to cry because I feel alone. Last week, within 5 days, he went to two parties and spent one day, all day, doing a car thing. Where am I? Home alone with our child. I feel like I’m not even in a relationship anymore. I didn’t get married to be constantly alone.
I’m not married to my partner. I met him through model car racing, at a local club. So knew about his hobbies of racing & I didn’t go to big events until later on, but I’ve noticed if he’s not working he’s on his phone chatting about rc & if it’s not that he’s helping out at the track. To point now, he doesn’t bother asking he just does it, it’s an addiction not a hobby anymore, if he’s not racing at regionals or nationals all over the place. Which I do mostly attend, but at first it didn’t infringe on our relationship. But over the last few months it as, if we’ve been out once a week im lucky. He’s constantly buying bits for his cars (of which he has six) new stuff comes out he’s got to buy it. I dread to think the amount of money he’s spending. But to what extent & for him to ruin a relationship for. Its getting close to breaking point, I do go out with friends, & im not saying he can’t race i think I’ve been very accommodating & supportive. But there’s a very fine line between enjoying as a hobby & addiction.
This article fantastically highlights the significance of nurturing personal pastimes inside a relationship and how they can enrich the bond between partners. It’s a clear reminder to prioritize self-care and non-public interests, whilst additionally fostering mutual guidance and grasp inside the partnership. Well-written and insightful!