Does your spouse have unspoken rules you can’t seem to follow?
Every person has their own silent rules they live by, whether they realize it or not. And by the same token, we expect others to follow our rules–especially our spouse! Each of us enters marriage with an imagined picture of what we think it should look like, and sometimes, those visions clash.
So let’s say your spouse seems frustrated or disappointed often, as though you’re breaking rules you’re unaware of. How do you handle this challenge? Let’s talk about it.
First, Remember Your Own Unspoken Rules
Our unspoken rules come from a variety of origins, such as childhood experiences, long-held family traditions, and the ideals we set for ourselves when we dream of the future. It’s common for individuals to enter marriage expecting to have all our boxes checked and our closely-held rules followed. Since every person has a unique experience, though, it’s not possible to meet those expectations perfectly.
Before focusing on your spouse, remember you also have unspoken rules about life and relationships. It could be helpful to reflect on your own expectations and journal about them. You may start to become aware of rules you’ve never thought about before.
Unspoken rules cover everything from splitting chores and earning income to showing affection and celebrating holidays. For instance, do you have specific expectations about the roles each of you should play in your household? Do you need certain gestures from your spouse in order to feel loved? Do you compare your marriage to another relationship that seems ideal to you, such as your parents’ or grandparents’? In the same way, your spouse has their own idea of what would make them feel most loved and cared for.
Understand That Unspoken Rules Are Deeply Felt
Think about how you feel when your spouse doesn’t live up to your expectations. The feeling can be profoundly painful. Even when you know your spouse doesn’t mean any harm, it still hurts when they don’t meet your expectations.
Now, take a walk in their shoes. You likely have no intention of “breaking” your spouse’s unspoken rules, but they still feel that disappointment. It’s crucial to empathize with your spouse so you can fully understand where they’re coming from. Empathy and understanding pave the way for successful conflict resolution.
Ask Questions–and Be Willing to Listen
Are you aware of what your spouse’s unspoken rules are already? If not, it’s time to open up a dialogue to better understand. Or maybe you know what their expectations are, but you don’t understand why they’re so important.
Either way, it’s important to have an open discussion about the things you each want. This may need to look like a series of conversations to help you better empathize with each other. From there, it will be possible to find solutions together. A fair compromise can help you soothe and protect one another’s feelings in the future.
Taking a relationship assessment together, such as Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS), is a great way to deepen your marriage and get to know one another better. If you’re struggling to define your unspoken rules, SYMBIS could help you identify ways to communicate more effectively. Learn more and take the assessment here.
How do you and your spouse navigate unspoken rules in your marriage? Share your experiences in the comments below.
