Does your spouse need tough love?
Giving your spouse constructive criticism, addressing a problematic habit, or asking them to correct an upsetting behavior can be scary. You love this person more than anyone else in the world. How are you supposed to point out something you’re unhappy about?
You want to speak the truth in love, but you find yourself avoiding a direct conversation. Instead, you dance around the topic. Even worse, maybe you bury it, hoping it will go away on its own.
Rather than avoiding tough conversations, it’s important to put them on the table sooner rather than later. Your spouse loves you; and most likely, they also want to be able to correct the problems they can control. It’s time to have the tough conversation so you can focus on being happy together.
Who Is This Really About?
First, ask yourself: Is this issue more about you or your partner? Carefully consider what this discussion will achieve, and take your time determining the root of the problem:
- Is this an annoying habit or personality trait that affects you, your spouse, or your relationship negatively?
- Is this a habit or behavior that has caused problems for you and your spouse in the past?
- Has your spouse’s behavior caused damage to your wellbeing, finances, or relationships?
- Does your spouse simply have a trait that clashes with your personality, but that doesn’t cause any real harm?
- Is this a matter of differing preferences or opinions, or is your spouse’s habit, activity, or stance truly harmful from a moral standpoint?
Knowing who this issue is really about can help you decide whether or not a confrontation is necessary. For instance, if it comes down to a matter of preference, you may be able to live with the issue. But if your spouse is causing harm, it’s time to speak up.
Who Are You Protecting?
If you’re avoiding an uncomfortable confrontation, it’s important to ask who you’re protecting. Are you trying to protect your spouse, or are you protecting yourself from conflict? Do you care more about their wellbeing, or your comfort?
Avoiding difficult truths is a trap. Yes, it can help you delay conflict for a little while. But if you never confront your spouse about the issue, they never have a chance to correct the problem. If you want what’s best for them, it’s important to overcome your fear and be direct.
Consider Your Words Carefully
When you need to share criticism or bad news, carefully think through what you want to say. It’s important to care about how your spouse may receive this information. Give them a chance to receive the message in a softer way, and try not to escalate their feelings unnecessarily.
Put yourself in their shoes; this is key to communicating with empathy. Understanding their feelings and where they’re coming from will help you phrase your message in a way that helps it land more softly. Empathy helps us round off the sharp edges that can hurt feelings.
Ultimately, both of you may need to focus on your individual wellbeing in order to build a healthier marriage. Our book, Healthy Me, Healthy Us, teaches couples that your marriage is only as healthy as you are. This guidebook might just help each of you pinpoint areas of improvement–which will make your marriage better in the process. Take a look and get your copy here.
Have you ever confronted your spouse about an upsetting behavior? How did you resolve the problem together? Let us know in the comments.
