So your spouse made a big decision without consulting you. What should you do?
Maybe it was time to purchase a new vehicle or piece of furniture. Or perhaps your spouse spent money you hadn’t discussed together beforehand. Regardless of the situation, you feel left out and hurt–and you wish they had spoken with you before they made the decision.
It’s normal to feel upset when your spouse makes a significant decision without you. One of the most important things we have in marriage is the ability to be included in each other’s lives. When we feel excluded or as though our spouse doesn’t respect us, it’s painful.
If this sounds like a familiar scenario, how should you handle it? Should you confront your spouse or let it go? Let’s talk about what to do if your spouse makes an important choice or purchase without consulting you.
Consider Your Spouse’s Intentions
Before you jump to conclusions, consider why your spouse made this decision without you. Their motives may have been pure, so it’s important not to assume malicious intent. For instance, if your spouse bought a new couch without you, they might have believed they were doing you a favor and checking that purchase off the to-do list.
Working to understand your spouse’s intentions can help to prevent the conflict from escalating further. Don’t accuse them of deliberate harm. Do, however, let them know that this decision was hurtful to you.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Acknowledging your feelings is incredibly important in conflict resolution. If your spouse doesn’t understand how their actions made you feel, they can’t course-correct. Focus on clearly and calmly communicating how this affected you.
The truth is, you feel left out because you weren’t consulted. When your spouse makes a major decision without you, it feels as though your opinion doesn’t matter to them. It makes you feel disrespected. It can also reveal a difference in values; good communication is vital to resolve this conflict.
Renegotiate Communication Around Decision-Making
Once you’ve discussed how you feel, it’s important for you and your spouse to negotiate how you’ll communicate about future decisions. How you choose to handle this is entirely up to you. It’s crucial to plan ahead for next time so you’re not caught off guard.
Sit down together and talk about what kinds of decisions you would each like to be consulted on. There will be some decisions that both of you can make without the other. We encourage you to clearly define your boundaries moving forward so that you can avoid this conflict in the future if possible.
Everyday problems like decision making can actually serve to strengthen your marriage. Our book, I Love You More, helps you learn how to turn the thorns in your marriage into roses. Learn more about the book and pick up your copy here.
Have you or your spouse ever made a large purchase or decision without the other? How did you resolve the conflict? Share your experiences in the comments.
My spouse purchased 3 houses as investments – not only without consulting me, but repeatedly dismissing my concerns when I discovered it, despite the fact I’m a lawyer. Power imbalances are real …. These issues are not always small-scale. I had to finally draw a firm line about what marriage required, and rebalance the power dynamic by taking some very concrete steps. Praise God that he came back, honoured his vows, apologized, made restitution, and now discusses all decisions before taking action. Trust has been re-established. It took years of pray-filled work and much grief, but we are now reaping the rewards of humility, grace, and trust.