Do marriages work well when spouses have a significant age gap?
Love knows no bounds, and that’s true regarding age. You and your dating partner, fiance, or spouse might be ten, fifteen, or twenty years apart. Regardless of your age difference, a happy and fulfilling marriage is possible.
Marriage generally has its ups and downs, without factoring in significant age differences. An age gap creates different circumstances than marrying someone around the same age. In contrast, there are some unique considerations to consider before marrying someone much older or younger than you.
Age Differences vs. Differences in Core Values
Age differences are generally less significant than differences in core values. Although you and your spouse (or dating partner) might be several years apart in age, you may share important core values that bring you closer together. In that sense, your age difference is less likely to create conflict than differences in things that matter to each of you.
Sharing values is more critical to a happy relationship than being peers in biological age. Some of the core values you might want to share with a spouse include:
- Shared activities
- Goals and dreams
- Travel aspirations
- Spiritual viewpoints
- Energy level (i.e., how active you are)
Some Potential Issues and Losses to Consider
If your spouse is significantly older or younger than you, there are some potential issues and losses you should consider before saying, “I do.” It’s essential to have open, honest conversations about these issues so they don’t surprise you later. When you’re both aware of the unique challenges you may be facing, you can make better decisions about your future together.
- Large discrepancy in life stages, energy levels, and overall health. Depending on your age gap, you may find yourselves with very different energy levels or quality of wellness in the future, if not now. How will you navigate these differences?
- Pushback or disapproval from friends and family. When you encounter naysayers, how will you respond?
- The possibility of not having biological children. If you’re much younger than your spouse, you may not have a chance to have children with them, or vice versa. Is that a possible outcome you’re both at peace with?
- Taking on stepchildren who may be close to your age, depending on how much older your spouse is. Are you both prepared to blend your families? If your partner’s children are adults, consider how you might best relate to them.
- The possibility of spending long years alone if your spouse passes away first. While any married person can lose a spouse at any age, the reality is that if your spouse is a decade or two older than you, loss may be in your future.
In the End, Love Knows No Bounds
Regardless of the potential challenges, marrying someone much older or younger than you can work out well. Love truly knows no boundaries. It’s all about the two of you, how you feel about one another, and the life you want to build together.
No matter your age difference, your marriage will only be as healthy as each of you. That’s where our book, Healthy Me, Healthy Us, comes in. It’s a guide that will help you both become healthier individuals, regardless of age or stage in life. Take a look here.
Are you in a relationship or marriage with someone much older or younger than you? How are you making it work together? Tell us your stories in the comments.
hi Dr. Les and Dr. Leslie
I am 55 and my husband is 65 and yes you are right there are energy and health situations and its hard. I want to always go out and enjoy life and my husband doesn’t want to because he always has medical ailment and on top of that has had medical ailments all his life.
I do love him and he is a great guy but there are definitely discrepancies.
My husband and I are 18 1/2 years apart. We have been married 34 years and have made it work. It has been a difficult journey. We both agree the age difference presents many challenges. Talking about the issues you mentioned is a good idea but the reality is you really don’t know what it is like until you’re in the situation. I strongly encourage anyone in a relationship with someone with a significant age difference seek counseling before getting serious or at least talk to someone who is married to someone older.
My husband and I have a 20+ age difference and all the challenges mentioned above are accurate. It was definitely an adjustment to all the nuisances of marrying someone older with older children.
However, despite the differences, the ups and downs, I would do it all over again. I’m so grateful for his love for God and how much her loves me.
How he loves his children and his family. Without God as our third cord we would have never made it. God surrounded us with amazing people to help us through each season.
We are committed to making the adjustments to building our friendship and marriage with Gods help.
My husband and I have a 19 yr age gap where I am the older one. We have teens in the home now and it’s not bad but it does comes with challenges. The oldest child is less accepting of a step dad but is still good with my husband and the younger teen actually wants him to adopt her. There are definitely things that show up that you can’t be prepared for even when you seek counseling and talk to couples in the same situation. But all your points are very valid to consider. In my case my husband looks older and prefers to hang out with men my dad’s age. lol meanwhile, I’m the oldest but am more active and younger acting. We actually balance each other out really well. He brings the calm I need and always focuses on God. To me the point about the values matching up is the strongest point because it is so valid! The way you communicate is another one. If the communication is great the marriage is too 🙂 What I also learned from couples I talked with that had the girl oldest by a major gap was they were very happy in their marriages and one of those just celebrated their 50th! And I can say I am as well very happy. And my husband is too.