Is your spouse a different person when you visit their family?
Sometimes, when visiting family or old friends, we revert to a version of ourselves that no one else recognizes. It’s like regressing into a past role. If your spouse seems almost unrecognizable at holidays and family gatherings, they may be playing back a version of themselves that you’ve never seen.
Do gatherings with the in-laws transform your spouse into a different person? If this sounds familiar, then this article is for you. Let’s get into it.
Connect With Secret “Codes”
Sometimes, holidays at the in-laws’ can leave you feeling invisible, or like your spouse has forgotten you in favor of siblings, cousins, or other family members. In this case, think about setting up some lighthearted, playful reminders that you want to be included in your spouse’s family interactions. More than likely, your spouse doesn’t mean to leave you out.
Make plans in advance for how you’ll communicate with your spouse. Maybe you can set up a signal or code that reminds your spouse to connect with you. You might want to be “rescued” from a prolonged interaction with kids or in-laws, so come up with a way to communicate that.
These secret codes, such as a touch on the wrist or a pat on the back, can help you speak to your spouse without words. This is particularly helpful when you don’t feel comfortable saying something, like when you need help exiting an activity or conversation you’d rather not engage in.
Talk About Your Family Cultures
Understanding the family cultures each of you comes from will help you better understand who your spouse is with their family. Sometimes, our family environments are powerful, and they have clear unspoken rules about what you’re supposed to value, who you’re supposed to be, and how you’re supposed to behave. Maybe when your spouse is among family, it’s easier to float with the current than to fight it.
Oftentimes, we feel freer to be ourselves when we’re away from family. Your spouse may seem different because they’re playing the role their family expects them to fill. It’s important to talk this out with your spouse, being careful not to put them on the defensive. If you don’t discuss your feelings, the issue is likely to become divisive.
Let them see your heart, and tell them how much you love who they really are. It’s important to be authentic about your feelings, but exercise empathy and humor at the same time. You understand how difficult it is to stay true to yourself when under family pressure.
Empathize With Your Spouse
Behaving differently during family gatherings or regressing into a past role could be a sign that your spouse craves connection and love from their family. It can be challenging to achieve autonomy from family as an adult, yet still want that sense of belonging. As upsetting as the transformation might be, it’s important to understand where your spouse is coming from.
Try to be as objective as possible when you approach your spouse, and treat future family gatherings as an opportunity to observe rather than react. Avoid getting pulled into the situation emotionally if you can. The less reactive and threatened you are, the more likely your spouse will be to relax.
When an extended family is made up of challenging personalities, it can be especially difficult to navigate gatherings and celebrations without falling into expected roles or personas. Our book, High-Maintenance Relationships, may help you identify more ways to manage these relationships without creating conflict in your marriage. Learn more and get your copy here.
Do holidays transform your spouse into someone you don’t recognize–or vice versa? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
This is pretty basic information, vague so it covers many audiences. I would like to read an article about what happens when your spouse chooses their family over you at any given moment, especially at gatherings. You go to reach for a piece of pie, but he’s already there taking it for his brother. You want to catch a movie but his mom wants to play cards. You tell a joke but he joins his sister with ridiculing it. I know communication is key but all that goes out the window when we visit my in-laws. My husband LIVES to serve them and it drives me bonkers because A: he’s a 47 year old man B: we’ve been married for 23 years C: he is not like this at home and D: his family clearly takes advantage of his people pleasing abilities. I try to talk with him about it and he just gets mad at me for interfering so I’ve just stayed quiet. What do you do with THAT?
That sounds challenging. Lots of factors to consider. How often is his family getting together? If only once or twice a year he may feel especially drawn to serve them as a show of love for them. In this case you may try simply understanding and appreciating seeing your husband’s kindness in action to others. If gatherings are frequent, well, he definitely needs to consider you his wife as highly as his family. You, too, are probably having many opportunities to serve at those large family get togethers. Try mentioning your feelings to him in love, of course. As an example, if I sound whiney when discussing something with my husband he gets defensive, whereas if I am careful and loving with my words he understands. My first thought is a statement by the Apostle Paul when he talked about dying daily so as to live for Christ. Living this out for us humans without full transformation into his likeness is most challenging at times. Look at those family gatherings as opportunities to serve rather than to be served while remembering at home you both take kind, loving care of each other and your family. This all takes time. Be patient. Say what needs to be said with love. Give thanks for your servant-hearted husband, and sit back and wait on God’s transformational work in him.