Most married couples want to know: is it possible to prevent infidelity?
This is an incredibly important question to ask yourselves. The fact you’re interested in the answer means that you’re probably already building a hedge of protection around your marriage. Most likely, you and your spouse have taken steps to set yourselves up for success.
Of course, you don’t want to spend your life feeling anxious and fearful. But it’s also true that one of the biggest myths about affairs is that you’re committed enough to be invulnerable. Even some of the strongest marriages are vulnerable to a potential affair.
So at a practical level, what can you and your spouse do to prevent an affair? Let’s talk about it.
Get Clear on Your Comfort Zones With the Opposite Sex
First, it’s important to get clear on your comfort zones with the opposite sex. Discuss each of your feelings about spending time with the opposite sex. Then, exchange feedback on one another’s viewpoints. This is essential if you want to reach a consensus.
For instance, your spouse might be comfortable taking a member of the opposite sex out to lunch one-on-one. On the other hand, you might feel uncomfortable with that, and you wouldn’t do it yourself. How can you reach an agreement that works for you both?
Remember, there’s no hard and fast rule for your comfort zones. It all depends on what works best for you as a couple. Be open and honest with each other as you decide on the dynamics that will work best.
Know When You’re Most Vulnerable
Knowing yourselves, and when you’re most vulnerable, is an invaluable tool for protecting your marriage. Maybe it’s when you’re tired, traveling, or stressed. Whatever that window of vulnerability is, create a strategy to handle it ahead of time.
How can you protect yourself from making a bad choice in a vulnerable state? For example, if you travel often for work, you might consider bringing photos of your spouse or family. It’s a symbolic way to remind yourself who’s waiting for you back at home. You might also agree to tell one another when you’re feeling particularly vulnerable.
Set Boundaries and Stick To Them
Finally, set your boundaries as a couple and stick to them. These are self-imposed, protective mechanisms that will help you to prevent infidelity. Decide ahead of time how you’ll respond to potentially compromising situations, and agree to communicate openly.
Preventing an affair takes a team effort from the two of you. It also takes lots of willingness to talk about where you are emotionally, and to tell each other where you are and who you’re spending time with. You’ll also need to be willing to honor each other’s boundaries and adjust your behaviors and interactions if a situation calls for that.
Our book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, provides a solid starting point for couples who want to safeguard their relationships. It pairs with our SYMBIS Assessment, which will help you get to know one another on a deeper level than ever before. Take a look here.
What boundaries help you and your spouse protect your marriage? Let us know in the comments.
We’ve adopted the pink & blue rule. There should be no intentional reason that either of us should be one-on-one alone with the opposite sex. If I do have to guide or counsel a woman for finances or benevolence issues the meeting is always in a space with an open door and someone else close by. We adopted this boundary because one of my spiritual mentors and our music director at the time at our church had an affair. It was devastating to our community and my relationship with this person. So from then on our church adopted this boundary for our leaders and volunteers.
My wife and I follow Dr. Harley’s “Policy of Joint Agreement” and “Policy of Radical Honesty” ( https://www.marriagebuilders.com/) which discipline us to be honest about every activity, and consider each other’s feelings in every decision. I don’t go anywhere, do anything, buy anything (above a predetermined $ amount) or befriend anyone, without my spouse’s enthusiastic agreement. The scriptural base for this is Amos 3:3 “How can two walk together unless they both agree to do so.” We share our locations with each other always on our smart phones. We do not recreate with the opposite gender either because Time = Influence, particularly when engaging in mutually-enjoyable experiences. We also date weekly, to nurture a strong positive association with each other. Finally: my explicit goal is to be able to tell my wife on either of our death beds: “I have been faithful to you.” Our joint explicit goal is to grow old liking, loving, supporting, encouraging, and enjoying each other. Being explicit (about rules & goals) enables us to be purposeful, strategic, and proactive in meeting each others’ most important emotional needs, and avoiding becoming the source of each other’s unhappiness.
Thank you Drs for sharing this information. This looks like a really good action plan I can use as an outline in counseling couples.