Life has its ups and downs, and so does marriage. But is being married supposed to feel like an emotional roller coaster? Whether you’ve been married for over a decade or are a newlywed, it’s possible for your feelings to ebb and flow.
The marriage game can sometimes feel like the best kind of thrill ride. Other times, being married can be fraught with challenges. These ups and downs can potentially impact how you feel about your spouse from one day to the next.
So what should you do when you struggle to connect with those good feelings about your spouse? Do you throw in the towel, or assume better days are ahead? Let’s talk about it.
When Emotions Run High, Choose Love
Think back to how you felt about your spouse yesterday. Maybe you were angry or frustrated then, but today you feel at peace. You can’t guarantee that tomorrow will feel like today; maybe you’ll get frustrated with your spouse again. But you can guarantee that you’ll decide to love your spouse every day, no matter where your emotions are.
Our choice to treat one another lovingly doesn’t have to be impacted by momentary emotions. Even when we’re feeling disconnected, we can show each other kindness and empathy. Choosing to remain steady in spite of fluctuating feelings will pay dividends for your marriage.
Remember Your Spouse is Human
Your spouse has incredible strengths and weaknesses in certain areas. Depending on the day, life reveals both sides of them. The truth is, you’re married to a very real, imperfect person.
On the days when your spouse’s weaknesses are on full display, you can expect to have an emotional response. After all, we tend to idealize each other’s best qualities. So when our weaker areas show up, emotions can ebb and flow based on that.
Your spouse’s character traits and choices directly affect you. They can also affect the amount of emotional closeness or distance you feel. We tend to become more irritating to one another when we’re feeling disconnected or experiencing high stress. Maybe you’ve found yourself thinking, “I love you, but you drive me nuts!”
That’s why staying connected through empathy and love is so important. Even on the days when we don’t feel loving, it’s crucial to remember that we do love each other. When we stay connected to love, that sense of attachment has a way of smoothing our spouse’s rough edges.
Drop The Idealization
Marriage forces us to wade through the idealized perceptions we create about each other. We envision our lives working out a certain way based on imagined truths. But the truth is, love is blind, and marriage brings us into real life as a unit.
Idealized perceptions take time to fade, and sometimes reality can be a bit jarring. Once you’ve gotten to know each other more deeply in the context of real life, you might find that the real version of your spouse–and yourself–is better than the idealization. Authenticity leads to true freedom, and when you can both accept who your spouse truly is and allow them to freely be who they are, they can do the same for you.
It’s normal to grapple with your feelings in the face of everyday difficulties. That’s why we wrote I Love You More, a guidebook to help you stay connected through the everyday ups and downs. Everyday problems can help strengthen your marriage, and this book shows you how.
Do you ever struggle with your feelings toward your spouse? How do you handle those times? Share your experiences with us in the comments.
